Death of a Friend

The big names in our community garner a lot of press when they die, for example, the recent deaths of Jan Morris and Monica Roberts. But the death of the lesser-knowns in our community fade away without a word.

The following piece written by Paula Gaikowski, is a eulogy for one of those lesser knowns – Marcia Alvey.

I met Marcia back in the dark ages of the 90’s. I had a site on Geocites and she saw my picture and sent me an email. We were the same age. She lived in Portland Oregon and I lived in New England. We were both married, had children and were struggling with the angst of being transgender.  

Her story is not unlike yours, mine or ours and it is these shared experiences that bonded us together. 

As a child, Marcia always wanted to be a girl. There wasn’t any doubt, however, she did her best to fit in as there wasn’t any other real choice back then. She played football in college and graduated from Willamette University and went on to earn a law degree at Lewis and Clark Law School. She was admitted to the Oregon bar in 1987 and started her own firm in 1996. She married and raised two sons. 

After her divorce a few years ago, she decided to transition. She was an active volunteer with the Oregon Trial Lawyers Association and with Basic Rights Oregon seeking to protect the rights of LGBTQ Oregonians.

Throughout my life, I noticed that the feminine part of me, like a vine always moved toward the light. The growth of our friendship was one of those searching feminine moments, a need for someone like myself, who understood, respected and loved me. She was that light.

We shared our most secret secrets, words we did not dare to whisper to another soul. We shouted to each other in a language that only we understood because we were sisters of a type. What was foreign to others was native to us.

Watching her transition was amazing. I truly envied her and was awed by her bravery and the sensitivity and intelligence of how she approached it all.

Marcia was always there for me willing to listen and respond with kind words or advice. She was a kind, generous and a gifted person. Being transgender is not easy and unless you are transgender it is difficult to understand.

I corresponded with Marcia for over 20 years supporting, comforting and advising each other as we struggled with the problem of being transgender, married and parents.

My own brother died exactly one month before, Marcia did. Because of this preoccupation, I didn’t email Marcia for awhile. Finally, a few weeks ago, I sent an email, then another and finally one with the words, “I’m worried please answer!”

Last night, I received this from Marcia’s sister,

Paula, 

This is Marcia’s sister. Marcia passed away a week ago after having gall bladder surgery. I am so sorry to tell you this way.

I was heartbroken, however, you my Femulate sisters are the only ones who can understand this relationship and the loss. I really can’t share it with my wife, family or friends.

I have not transitioned, but I know that Marcia found peace in doing so. In her last email, she expressed to me the joy and happiness she felt that she was now seen and accepted as a woman by her colleagues and friends.

Paula, 

I was thinking of you yesterday on my drive home from work. I wanted to tell you this information in the worst way; like a girlfriend would.

It is not earth-shattering. I just had the realization due to a few moments and experiences that there is hardly any remnant of maleness left. I am a woman now. I feel it very much physically. I feel it very much socially. 

I went to the paint store yesterday and bought two gallons of stain and supplies for my sons to stain my deck at my condo. The clerk put it all in a box. When it was time to go, he handed me the roller extension pole then said, “Let me help you out with this ma’am.” 

You know what? I was thankful and relieved. I also felt very much a woman…

I believe that we never really lose the people we love, even to death. Their love, thoughts and principles leave a permanent imprint in our hearts. They continue on in this way in every action, belief, and choice we make. So too will you, dear Marcia, in our community you will be with us

I’ll miss you dear girlfriend, thank you so much for always being there and listening and advising. You left us too soon.

Wearing Shoshanna

Don Edmondson femulating in the 1974 film Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes also known as Jive Turkey. You can view the film on YouTube.

Old crossdressers never die, they just fade away

Over the years, I have made friends and acquaintances with hundreds, if not thousands of trans people. Although I knew them by their trans names, I've known the birth certificate names of maybe 50 or 60.

And that’s only because I was privy to their names (and addresses) when I produced and mailed my support group’s newsletter or because they are trans radio hams and I know their government-issued call signs (which I can look up online). Take that away and I would probably know 10 or 12 by their birth certificate names (and you are probably in the same boat I am).

When one dies, you can bet the farm that their obituary will not mention their trans name or mention that they were a member of a trans support group. And unless you know their birth certificate name, you will never know that they died. As far as you know, they just stopped attending support group meetings, stopped exchanging emails with their trans friends or stopped posting to their blog and they just fade away.

Sometimes the spouse of a deceased trans person will contact a trans friend of the deceased to pass along the bad news. But in the majority of cases, spouses have no idea who or how to make that contact or could be bothered less.

It is so sad when our trans friends fade away like that. Their trans identities were probably as important or more important to them than their birth certificate identities, yet their preferred identities disappear without any acknowledgment (and often with a sigh of relief by embarrassed family members). Very sad.

And so it goes. 

Wearing Venus

Womanless beauty pageant contestant, Elizabeth City, North Carolina, 2016

Just Another Day in Pair of Wedges

Shoes

Saturday, I slipped on my wedge heels (Payless' Mink Wedge from Fioni) at 7 AM and took them off at 5 PM. By my calculations, that's ten hours in 3-1/2-inch heels and my feet never complained.

My experience is that wedge heels are very comfortable even wearing them over long periods of time. During one of my recent stints at Hamvention, I wore a pair both days that I attended the event ― most of the time standing while staffing a booth on a concrete floor and I had happy feet at the end of each day. So I swear by wedges and need to add more to my shoe collection.

RIP

After a wonderful Saturday at the Transgender Lives Conference, I saw an obituary in Sunday's newspaper that broke my heart. A 20-something transperson died. Her name was listed with a male first name, followed by a female first name in parenthesis and then her surname, e.g., Michael (Michelle) Smith.

I assumed she was a transwoman because female pronouns were used throughout the obit and her photo presented a female visage.

Her cause of death was not mentioned, so I assumed the worst.

Thought for the Day

Living as a man is highly overrated.

Wearing ML Monique Lhuillier (Source: Rent the Runway)

Professional femulator Paolo Ballesteros and family.

Grab Bag or Purse or Pocketbook

Thank-you

Thank you all who passed along your kind thoughts to ease my grieving over the death of my dear cat.

She was the friendliest cat I have ever known. If you were her friend, she would start purring as soon as she saw you and would run over to greet you.

She will be irreplaceable and it will take a long time to get used to living without her.

Thank you all again!

Miss Eng'g

Auntie Marlena informed me that the 2017 installment of the Miss Engineering (Miss Eng'g) Facebook page is up and running and full of photos (like the one on the right) and videos from the amazing womanless beauty pageant put on annually at the College of Engineering, University of Philippines-Diliman.

Payless Closing 400 Stores

Payless Shoe Stores filed for bankruptcy and will be closing 400 stores. Here is a list of the store closings. My favorite Payless stores were not on the list; I hope your favorite stores miss the list, too.

Adam/Amanda

Actor Jackson Rathbone femulated on a 2009 episode of television's Criminal Minds playing a perpetrator with a split personality (Adam/Amanda).

In the past, I have seen photos of Jackson's excellent femulation (see below). Patty just alerted me to a behind-the-scenes video of the episode including Jackson's transformation from Adam to Amanda. It is worth the watch to see Jackson's femulation in motion.

Trans Health & Law Conference Workshop Schedule

The workshop schedule for the April 29th Trans Lives Conference at the UConn Health Center has just been published here and my "Makeup Basics for Trans Females" workshop is in the 9:30 to 10:30 AM slot. I hope to see you there!

Wearing Caroline Constas top and Cinq à Sept skort.

Jackson Rathbone femulating on TV's Criminal Minds.

Short Post

My favorite cat was very sick. During the past few days, I was nursing her in between visits to the veterinarian.

Last night, I was massaging her when she died. Now she can rest in peace.

I need a break, so I will catch you later.

Like MacArthur

Michelle was one of the founders of my support group. She was very active in the group for the better part of two decades holding down a variety of elected and unelected positions in the organization including the always difficult program chairperson role.

About ten years ago, her attendance at support group meetings became became irregular and eventually she stepped back from having any active positions in the organization. The last time I saw her was at the support group's annual banquet eight or nine years ago.

She just faded away.

Then there was an announcement on the support group's e-mail list that Michelle had died. I assume that the only reason we found out about her passing is that one of our members had a professional relationship with Michelle's male side, so she knew Michelle's male name and saw the obituary in a newspaper.

Typically, that does not happen. In most cases involving transgenders who live part time as men and part time as women, we do know their male names. When they die, their obituaries never mention their female names nor the fact they were transgenders. So we never know when they pass on.

Over the years, I have met a lot of older transgenders. Most of them were just acquaintances; a few were more than that, but most of them just faded away. I assumed they became ill and or died, but I'll never know.

It is sad. Old transgenders never die, they just fade away.

Wearing Metisu.

Femulate reader, Harriet, is 67 and has been dressing as long as she can remember on and off. Married and while her wife knows, she does not approve. She does go out in public, but family responsibilities and life, in general, requires that she keep a balance. She loves going to a very traditional hairdressers' salon and tries to keep regular appointments. It is her favorite feminine time.

Blue Monday

Alexis Arquette, 1969-2016, may she rest in peace.

December Surprise

Thank you all for the condolences regarding my mother-in-law’s death that you sent me in comments and e-mails. The past ten days were very stressful and tiring; your kind words brightened some very dark days.

My mother-in-law was a kind-hearted person and made a lot of sacrifices during her life to help strangers and relatives alike. She was very fashion-conscious and had a wardrobe that rivaled my own.

She was also very old school and did not approve of Stana. I never dressed en femme in her presence, so I don’t know what she thought I was doing when I crossdressed, but I learned through another relative that her son, my brother-in-law, convinced her that I was “mentally unstable.”

As a result, my feelings for my in-laws cooled after that. For my wife’s sake, I went along and acted as if I did not know anything, but it upset me. To alleviate the hurt, I hatched a plot where I would show at my in-law’s Christmas family get-together dressed to the nines.

I never carried out my plan in deference to my wife, but it made me smile whenever I thought about it.

Wearing Ann Taylor.

Alexandre Wetter, male womenswear model

Death in the Family

My mother-in-law died this morning, so new posts for this blog will be on an irregular schedule for awhile.

Death in the Family

I watched a family member die Saturday afternoon.

Early Saturday afternoon, my wife got a call to get to the hospital as soon as possible because her sister was on her death bed.

My sister-in-law has had poor health as long as I have known her, but she is tough and has lived on despite all her health issues. However, her heart finally gave up early Saturday morning and they rushed her to the ICU where she was being kept alive by a variety of devices connected to her body.

Mid-afternoon, my sister-in-law's daughter decided to take her off life support. They disconnected her and for the next 15 minutes, we surrounded her bed watching her life end.

Nano Nano No More

I was at the computer answering e-mail last night when my sister called with the news that Robin Williams had died.

I was very saddened by that news, but not surprised; my peers have been dropping like flies lately and the loss of another is not much of a shock anymore (just another feature of being a sexagenarian).

According to my count, Robin Williams appeared in four films that included transgender bits: Mrs. Doubtfire, The Birdcage, The World According to Garp and To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, but in my opinion, his best film performance was in Good Will Hunting.

My favorite Robin Williams moments were when he riffed with Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal in Comic Relief. They were a great team. Whoopee and Billy must be taking the loss of their teammate very hard.

I will miss him a lot, too.

Death in the Family

My aunt died yesterday.

She had been very sick for a long time, but things got complicated over the weekend and she was hospitalized earlier this week. Everyone figured that she would never leave the hospital alive and they were correct. I planned to visit her tomorrow morning, but that was too late.

My aunt could have been a fashion model. She was tall and thin and had high cheekbones. People said she resembled Lauren Bacall.

She never married and never owned a car, so she had some expendable income, which she used to dress to the nines.

In the 1950s and 1960s, she was a fashion plate. In that era, I never saw her wear anything but a dress and high heels and often a hat and white gloves.

I don't know about her other nieces, but my aunt's fashion sense had a great influence on me.

Rest in peace, Aunt A.

Like MacArthur

Michelle was one of the founders of my support group. She was very active in the group for the better part of two decades holding down a variety of elected and unelected positions in the organization including the always difficult program chairperson role.

A half dozen years ago, her attendance at support group meetings became became irregular and eventually she stepped back from having any active positions in the organization. The last time I saw her was at the support group's annual banquet a three or four years ago.

She just faded away.

Last week, there was an announcement on the support group's e-mail list that Michelle had died. I assume that the only reason we found out about her passing is that one of our members had a professional relationship with Michelle's male side, so she knew Michelle's male name and saw the obituary in the newspaper.

Typically, that does not happen. In most cases involving transgenders who live part time as men and part time as women, we do notir know their male names. When they die, their obituaries never mention their female names nor the fact they were transgenders. So we never know when they pass on.

Over the years, I have met a lot of older transgenders. Most of them were just acquaintances; a few were more than that, but most of them just faded away. I assumed they became ill and or died, but I'll never know.

It is sad. Old transgenders never die, they just fade away. 

the day the music died... again

John Lennon, George Harrison, Carl Wilson, Roy Orbison, and Gene Pitney were music-makers whose deaths were very very sad for me and now Michael Jackson is gone, too.

It is hard to write about it, so I won't try especially since Bill Wyman wrote an excellent article on the matter in today's Salon. So, put some Jackson tunes on the Victrola and go read read it.

Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett died today.

As a femulator, I always have had an eye for attractive women and I remember spotting Ms. Fawcett in television commercials years before she achieved stardom in Charlie's Angels. She was such a standout that I could not help noticing her and I filed her image away in my mind as someone I might see in the future.

And see her, I did. I probably saw every episode of Charlie's Angels that she appeared in and I continued to watch the series even after her departure because I also had great appreciation for her co-star Jaclyn Smith.

Like many young males in that era, I watched Charlie's Angels to see the women who appeared on that show. The plot was secondary and usually disposable; the women were the main attraction. But unlike most of the male fans of that show, I watched Ms. Fawcett and Ms. Smith because I wanted to emulate them, not bed them.

Anyway, Ms. Fawcett's passing makes me feel sad; may she rest in peace.