Trans-Manners

Hi Stana!

I’m a cis-woman who started reading your blog for the fashion and stayed for your unique perspective on trying to live an authentic life. Could you write a post about what good manners are for members of the public who encounter transgender people?

Thank you,

Beth

👦 / 👧

Hi Beth,

Thank you for the compliment, that is, "I’m a cis-woman who started reading your blog for the fashion."

Regarding your question, I will always remember when I unintentionally scared the living daylights out of a transwoman. I was attending a transgender convention, arrived in boy mode and boarded the elevator at the host hotel, which was occupied by a young transwoman.

I said, "Hello" and asked her if she was enjoying the convention.

She reacted like the proverbial deer in headlights.

Oops! I immediately realized my error and added that I was also attending the convention, but had not changed to girl mode yet.

She was relieved and I learned a big lesson. Whenever I encounter someone who I think is trans, I bite my tongue and don't say anything that gives away my assumption about their gender. I might say, "Hello" and make small talk, but I would never say something like, "Your femulation is great!" 

...for two reasons...

1.  What if they are not trans? I don't think I have to explain why misidentifying a civilian as trans is a big no-no.

2.  And if they are trans, they probably don't want anyone (even another trans) telling them that their cisgender is showing. Some trans people may not care, but it is better to err on the side of caution and not say anything because many trans people do care.

So the answer is that generic small talk is OK, but don't say anything that will burst the bubble of a trans person who is trying to make their way out among civilians in their true gender.

Wearing Diane von Furstenberg (Source: DVF)

Simon Hanselmann, cartoonist

Fashionista Wednesday

Black opaque tights with black patent high heel pumps

I am very busy this week packing for my daughter's move to Hartford, but I will be going out to dinner this evening and am looking forward to dressing to the nines.

In light of my Fashionista Wednesday, I recommend reading Rhonda's must-read "your style" post.

And over at Who What Wear, Kat Collins writes about three fashion blunders that may be aging you (and me).

Meanwhile, Romney recently asked me, "What is the 'rule' for color/shade of stockings in consideration of the color/shade of skirt?"

I really don't consider the skirt or dress color when choosing a hosiery color. I am more concerned with the shoe color, for example, I would never wear a shade of hosiery that is darker than the color of my shoe.

Being a fashionista, I usually wear a nude shade of hosiery because fashionable ladies don't wear any hosiery at all and a nude shade is as close to achieving the same results (I don't think my legs are good enough to go without hosiery.)

One look I love is wearing nude hosiery with nude high heel pumps. It creates the illusion of having longer legs (as if I needed that!).

For dress-up occasions, I often wear black or off-black for a sexier look. Dressing for my company's Christmas luncheon, I wore pin dot pantyhose, which added a bit of pizzazz to an otherwise plain off-black shade of hosiery.

If I wear tights, which I often do in the winter to add a little warmth when wearing a skirted outfit, I usually wear black opaque tights, which look very fashionable when worn with black patent high heel pumps.

I hope that was helpful. If not, ask again.

Black opaque tights with black patent high heel pumps (Source: Pinterest)

Alan Manson femulates in the 1943 film This Is the Army.

Wear a Bra!

Responding to my invitation to Ask Me Anything, Jenn wrote, "My question is about wearing a bra. My wife and many close female friends are known to comment about how they can’t wait to take off their bra. Of course, as a crossdresser I can’t wait to put one on! Knowing that you dress much more often (and longer) than I do, what do you think about your bra?"

Whereas fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg once proclaimed, "Feel like a woman. Wear a dress!" I say, "Feel like a woman, Wear a bra!"

Is there any garment that defines womanhood more than a bra? Fashion forward fellows may dress like women from head to toe, but they don't wear bras. Only women and femulators wear bras.

On occasion, I have femulated without wearing a bra because I did not have the correct style bra to go with a particular dress or top I was wearing and since I am already well-endowed for a guy, going bra-less was not a deal breaker. However, I prefer to wear a bra when I femulate.

Early on, I wore some ill-fitting bras. The band was too small and/or the shoulder straps too short and like Jenn's lady friends, I could not wait to take off my bra.

After too many misfits, I decided that the only way to get a bra that fits is to get a professional bra-fitting at an intimate apparel shop or in the lingerie department of a department store.

Your mileage may vary, but I have been fitted for bras in both girl mode and boy mode in both venues and have never been turned away. In fact, the women performing the fittings were very helpful and seemed pleased to have a male join their bra-wearing sorority.

If you are unsure about which bra-selling venue to seek out for a fitting, you can always call ahead and ask. Also, during the holiday season, guys shopping for intimate apparel gifts is common, so walking into a lingerie shop in boy mode is not that unusual this time of year.

My niece worked at Victoria's Secret for awhile and the saleswomen were used to fitting both men and women, so don't be shy – go for it, girl!

And if your bra is the correct fit, you won't even know you are wearing one!

By the way, when you were growing up, did your Mom call it a "bra" or a "brassiere?"

Wearing 3.1 Phillip Lim sweater, RTA skirt and Marni bag (Source: Intermix)

Nadia Russo

Make A Wish

In response to my invitation to Ask Me Anything, Ann Onymous asked, "If you really had one wish, would you wish to be the woman you have always wanted to be, but that would erase your relationships in the past? Or would you wish you never had the desire to be a crossdressing feminine man? Thats a tough one."

Actually, the answer is simple.

I have never wished that I was not a crossdressing feminine man.

On the other hand, I have wished that I was the woman I have always wanted to be even if it erased my relationships of the past (like Jimmy Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life.)

I wish I could do it all over again and if I could, I would not have married (and put my wonderful wife through the ups and downs of being married to a crossdresser). Instead, I would have lived as a woman full-time and definitely gotten electrolysis, maybe HRT and probably not surgery.

But since I can't do it over again,  I have played with the cards I have dealt to myself.

My life has been very interesting. I have achieved some success as a writer (a goal that I had since I was a youngster) and I have also achieved some success as a femulator (another goal that I had since I was a teenager). And I achieved something that I never even considered: success as a femulating writer!

Wearing Torrid (Source: Torrid)

Aquaria femulates Melania Trump on television's RuPaul's Drag Race.

Do blondes have more fun?

In response to my Ask Me Anything post, Pricilla sent me the following e-mail:

Hi Stana,

I have wondered why you chose to change your hair color from Blonde to Brown?? Don't Blondes have more fun!!!

You continue to look great.

Hugs,

Pricilla

Thank you for the question and the kind words!

I changed my hair color because I needed a change. (Isn't it a woman's prerogative to change her hair color?)

When I began seriously dressing as a woman, that is, not for a Halloween costume, I usually wore an red wig. Although my natural hair color was brown, I wore red because my parents always claimed that I was born a redhead and remained a redhead during my early years. So when I was choosing a wig color, I figured red might work since I started here as a redhead. Turned out that I liked myself as a redhead and wore various shades of red for years.

I finally went over to the light side in 2006 after hosting a support group meeting at a wig store (Tonkin's in Waterbury). As the hostess, I brought the snacks, played mother hen and had no intention of buying a new wig.

When the proprietor, Kathy Tonkin was finished bewigging the other girls, she said to me, "Your turn."

I thought, "What the heck" and told Kathy to work her magic on me.

Minutes later, she fitted a short blond wig on my head. When I looked in the mirror, I loved what I saw and I became a blonde.

I have been a blonde for the past 12 years... different shades of blonde, different hair styles, but always blonde. But I was getting a little bored with being a blonde and decided to try something different.

And so it goes.

Wearing Tibi blazer and skirt, L'Agence Daniella cami, Lente Danse bag (Source: ShopStyle.com)

Before and After (Source: Pinterest)

Ask Me Anything

Whenever I do outreach or a workshop like the one I conducted at the True Color Conference on Friday, I begin by saying, "You can ask me anything." (You can also ask me anything by e-mail.)

My standing offer resulted in questions at my workshop and by e-mail. I have answered these questions here in the past, but these three come up so often that I am rerunning them today.

What do you recommend for developing a feminine voice?  

I highly recommend Melanie Anne Phillips' female voice course "Melanie Speaks."

Practice, practice and practice. It took three weeks of practice for 30 minutes every day before my feminine voice arrived, but it was worth the wait because it was amazing!

What do you recommend for hiding a beard?

After a close shave using a shaving gel (like Edge) and a multi-blade manual razor (like Gilette's Fusion), apply a beard cover to your muzzle. Then apply your usual foundation over the beard cover.

For beard cover, I highly recommend RCMA BC2, which is available from Alcone. It is expensive, but lasts forever because a little goes a long way.

I was looking at your photos online. How did you achieve your amazing cleavage?

Since puberty, I have had boobs. I assume I have gynecomastia, but I never sought out medical help for the "problem," so I don't know for sure.

Anyway, my breasts fill a B cup bra, so it does not take much to femulate cleavage when I wear something revealing. I just add a little padding to push my girls up and closer together and the results are fabulous!

Wearing Romwe (Source: Romwe)

Shpat Kasapi femulates Marylin Monroe on Albanian television's Your Face Sounds Familiar.

Voice

Ms. Stana,

Should I take some voice lessons or should I just speak softly or as little as possible when I femulate in public?

Thank you for your time and patience, Love ya and you go gurl!!!

Ms.Stacey Anne Smith, Ms.Trixie and Ms. Brooke

―

Hi Stana,

The issue I would most like to improve is my feminine voice. I think I follow the basics, e.g., speaking less harshly, raising the pitch (without overdoing it) and speaking more slowly. Is there a good tutorial (or alternative) that is not too expensive and to which I could get access? Or even some exercises that would improve this part of my presentation.

I’ve heard the name Melanie Phillips being mentioned, but all enquiries have met with a dead end.

Hoping you can help,

Michelle x

―

Hi Ladies,

If you are going to present as a woman, you should speak like a woman. Your femulation may look like Angelina, but if you sound like Brad, it’s not going to work.

Speaking as little as possible or not at all will work, but it will make it very difficult to interact with other people.

Depending on your natural voice, speaking softly and raising your pitch ever so slightly might work.
Voice lessons will work, but they can be expensive.

I looked for inexpensive voice lessons and discovered Melanie Ann Phillips course.

When I purchased the course, it was only available in VHS format, so I dubbed the audio to a cassette tape and played it every day on my commute to and from work.

At first, I was disappointed ― my voice still sounded the same and nothing like Melanie Ann Phillips perfect femme voice.

But one day after about three weeks in, this fabulous femme voice came from my lips. I was shocked and could not believe that voice was coming from me!

In addition to perfecting the sound of your voice, Melanie’s course also covers how to use that sound, that is, she not only teaches you how to make your voice sound like a lady, but how to enunciate like a lady and what words and phrases to use and avoid to sound ladylike.

Her course has been updated since the VHS version and is now available as MP3 files that you can download to your MP3 player or smart phone. The course only cost $19.95 US... here is the link.

I highly recommend it.

Wearing Dior dress and shoes

A happy couple

Man of the House

The following Ask Me Anything questions are about my relationship with my wife. There are a lot of questions, so I will be brief and to the point in my answers.

Emily: Are you the husband at home in a conventional role?

Yes, I am the “conventional” man of the house.

Dani: Assuming you and your wife still make love together, do you do it as a man and a woman? Or as two women?

Physically, as a man and a woman. Mentally, as a woman in my mind. I have no idea what is going on in my wife's mind.

Pat: Does your wife completely accept you as a femulator?

Rhonda: How much does your spouse accept Stana in her life?  In other words, does she go out with Stana, buy Stana gender appropriate gifts, and do you (as Stana) and she socialize with other TG/CDs?

My wife accepts the fact that I am a femulator, but she does not embrace it completely. She does not go out with Stana, does not buy Stana gender-appropriate gifts, and does not socialize with my trans acquaintances.

However, if she sees something trans-related in the newspaper or on television that she thinks might be of interest, she will call my attention to it. Also, whenever we go shopping, she encourages me to shop for Stana, too.

Rhonda: As a follow-on question, have you and she agreed on limits to Stana's activities? If so, please share.

We have not agreed to limits, but I have put my own limits on Stana's activities; instead of being en femme full-time, I am en femme much less often.

Rhonda: Also, if so, does she waiver and occasionally want less Stana in your and her relationship?

My wife would be happy if Stana was completely eliminated from our lives.   

Lisa: I am wondering if it is concern for your entire family's feelings that motivates you not to go full time.

Absolutely. My wife married a man. I am committed to her and my marriage and try to fulfill that role as a husband as best as I can.

Lisa: I always put my wife and family first, so my second question is whether you think some TG people are being self-centered for failing to take into account the needs and feelings of their loved ones.

Again, absolutely. The spouse is often forgotten and left behind in the dust.

 

A femulating boy and her girlfriend.

 

Wearing ABS by Allen Schwartz.

Mechanics Femulated

Beth sent me the photo above which she took while vacationing in Burlington, Vermont, last week. The sign was in the window of a bicycle shop.

It is a little difficult to read because of the reflection on the window, so here is the information of interest:

	WTF!
	Women - Trans – Femme
	Bike Repair Nights
	Open bike shop for non-male identified folks interested in bike mechanics...

By the way, Burlington is a very diverse city, rated one of the best places to live and Beth noticed a few transwomen during her stay in the area.

The subject of bicycle mechanics is a perfect lead-in to today's “Ask Me Anything” question, which is on the topic of femulation mechanics.

Allison asked, "What do you use for breast forms and hip and rear padding, if anything?"
I don't use anything.

Topside, I am naturally endowed. A combination of too many female hormones and/or a touch of gynecomastia has "blessed" me with a pair of breasts that nearly fill a B-cup. I usually wear a padded bra from Victoria's to fill out the rest of the cup.

Below, I use no padding. I cinch my waist with some kind of foundation garment and my narrowed cinched waist creates the appearance of having hips and a feminine figure.

Viewing my photos, I see instances that adding hip and rear padding would improve my appearance, but it is not a deal-breaker, so I have not done anything about it.

By the way, my boobs were the source of a lot of abuse growing up. Combined with my natural feminine mannerisms, my life was hell at times. Luckily, it all worked out in my favor as I grew older and realized I was a woman.

 

A young man femulating circa 1900.

 

Wearing a “Charlie Brown dress” from La Redoute.