Miss-Representing Ourselves

By Sally Stone, Contributing Editor

There was a time when concerns about what people were thinking of me made my forays into the outside world terrifying and often, debilitatingly stressful. My concerns were based primarily upon the fear that I couldn't pass. I’ve long since overcome that fear and I no longer care that my birth gender is usually obvious. Still I wonder sometimes what the people I meet are thinking.

Generally my interactions with others when I am presenting in my feminine persona are extremely positive. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I had an ugly encounter. People appear to accept my presentation and quite often, they actually reinforce that acceptance with verbal approval.

Take a recent shopping trip as an example. I was in a downtown department store searching for a skirt when a sales associate approached to ask if she could assist me. I told her I was looking for a very specific style of denim skirt. She was only too happy to assist me in my search and then, while we were together, she told me I was beautiful and that she loved my hair. Who wouldn’t be flattered?

What was she thinking though, as she made small talk with me? Obviously, she recognized right away that I wasn't a genetic female, but did she think of me as a man dressed in woman’s clothing or did she consider me a transwoman? Was it actually possible that she recognized me the way I think of myself, a part-time woman?

I can’t know for certain, but I sense that most people who interact with me just assume I have transitioned or am in the process of transitioning. I believe that most cis people have been conditioned by current events to assume anyone who dresses like a woman wants to be a woman full-time. I suspect most don't realize there are girls like me, girls who are decidedly different.

Of course, in the grand scheme of life, it really doesn’t matter what people think about my feminine appearance, but somehow, I have always felt I’m being deceptive by not mentioning that I am different from the transwomen in the public spotlight and that my reason for presenting feminine is not the same as theirs.

Would they think of me differently if they knew I was only a part-time woman? Would their acceptance of me change? When it comes to a casual acquaintance like the sales associate I mentioned above, it would be awkward to broach the subject of my presentation motives. Still, I wonder if I’m misrepresenting myself and passing up an opportunity for additional trans outreach.

Perhaps the cis community should know that not all transwoman are like those in the public eye. Maybe I should make it known that there are many of us who consider our gender to be fluid, so we choose to express our feminine persona occasionally.

I dare say that introducing the gender fluid concept to many cis people would certainly complicate the trans narrative they have grown accustomed to understanding. Maybe I’m so well received because people assume I am a “typical” transwoman and they are comfortable with that familiar concept. I can’t help but wonder if people knew my true trans nature would it change their opinion of my feminine persona.

So, I have to ask myself, am I enjoying such broad acceptance because those I meet are assuming they understand my “trans-ness," which somehow makes them okay with it? Ultimately, I probably won’t know how much of this is true unless I ask someone, but that doesn’t seems like a very likely conversation for a casual encounter. Perhaps the opportunity to have this conversation will arise in the future, but for now I will continue to happily accept the fact that I’m accepted as a transwoman no matter the reason.

Wearing JustFab

Amanda Winters

It's the Little Things

By Sally Stone

Last week when I was out as Sally, I stopped by a local coffee shop to satisfy my caffeine craving. I ordered a cappuccino and the young girl who waited on me asked my name for the order. She was extremely pleasant and I could tell by her demeanor that she liked my presentation. It’s always nice to be acknowledged for my efforts, even when the acknowledgement is as simple as a smile and a nod.

Anyway, flash forward to last night, when I stopped at the same coffee shop after a dinner outing. This time a young man took my drink order; the girl that had waited on me the last time was working drive-through. Yet despite her being quite busy, she took the time to walk over and say, “Hi, Sally.”

It was a little thing, I know, but sometimes it’s those little things that leave the most lasting impressions. I was flattered by her making the effort to come say hello to me and it was even more meaningful that she remembered my name. Up to that point, I’d had a wonderful day expressing my femininity, but her simple act of seeking me out and calling me by my feminine name was the absolute best part of it.

Wearing Venus

Femulators Annica Springmann and Patricia Wester

Close Call

By Sally Stone

My wife and I were planning to meet friends for drinks at a favorite watering hole in a town about 50 miles away from where we live. The location was ideal because it was equidistant from us and our friends and it afforded my wife and I a certain level of anonymity or so we thought.

When it comes to my feminine persona, I kind of lead a double life. I’m very social on one hand; on the other, our family and most of our friends don’t know anything about Sally. And while I know it is always a possible to encounter someone who knows my male persona, I feel fairly confident that mitigating such an encounter wouldn’t be too difficult. My confidence stems from the fact that when I’m presenting as Sally, I look significantly different than when I’m in male mode. I think even close acquaintances would have to get up close and personal to recognize the male me.

That’s me though. As for my poor wife, she is never in disguise, making her obviously recognizable. I think it’s the primary reason she’s not as comfortable as I when we are out as girlfriends. Such was the case on a recent Saturday outing when our plan was to rendezvous with friends who know Sally.,

We parked after paying the lot attendant, got out of the car and began to make our way across the street towards the restaurant. From the parking lot we had to climb steps up to street level and just as I reached the top of the steps two of our close friends, who don’t know anything about Sally, were walking down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. Jane, the wife, actually looked in our direction and I panicked a bit at the thought of her seeing my wife, who was just behind me still coming up the steps.

For several seconds I was certain that my wife’s biggest fear was about to be realized, that she’d be recognized and because we were together, I’d be outed. I have played scenarios like this over and over in my head, wondering how I would deal with such an eventuality and I have thought the best answer would be frank honesty. Certainly, there would have been shock on the acquaintance’s part and I would probably feel a little embarrassed, but my poor wife’s embarrassment would certainly be much worse than mine.

Fortunately, there was no recognition of either of us and our friends passed by continuing down the sidewalk. I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing I had dodged a bullet. For my wife’s part, she had no idea the close encounter had just taken place. I thought about telling her, but knowing how the revelation would have rattled her, I chose not to.

And to be honest, my decision was for the most part, a selfish one. Had I told her, I’m certain the gravity of the near incident would have damaged her already fragile resolve making here even more apprehensive about accompanying me out in public.

Even with such a close call, I kept telling myself that a repeat occurrence was quite unlikely. But that really isn’t true. I can no more control situations like this than I can the weather and being honest with myself, I know I can’t fully protect my wife no matter how carefully I plan our outings.

So, I ask myself, “Is it just a matter of time before the inevitable happens? Is it a forgone conclusion that at some point, I'll have to face reality and reveal my feminine persona to a circle of friends that have no idea Sally exists?” I know I could weather the turbulence that would certainly follow, but I worry it won't be so easy for my wife. The selfless thing to do would be to put Sally back in the closet, but no matter how noble such a decision might be, I would be subjecting myself to eternal pain and misery. I can't and  I won't do that. I need my feminine self-expression to stay sane.

A compromise, the best I can hope for, is to minimize my wife's exposure to such threats. To do that we need to limit our girlfriend outings. That's sad and I'll miss her company, but it is a sacrifice that works to achieve two important objectives. The first is I retain the trans balance in my life that gives me my joy and my sanity and the second is I don't expose my wife to situations where her presence would serve to out me and ultimately embarrass her.

Wearing Venus (Stana likes this dress so much that she ordered it for herself.)

Kazik Mazur femulates Zdzisława Sośnicka on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo.

A Quest for Perfect Hair

By Sally Stone

I remember so vividly the first time I wore a wig. It was one I "borrowed" from my Mom, a style that really didn't flatter me much. Still, it was a feminine hairstyle and I just couldn’t get over much it changed my appearance.

Way back then, my funds were minimal, so my access to wigs was limited making my acquisitions mostly opportunistic. Usually they were well-worn and often discarded by the original owner. In short, I was wearing wigs that were not particularly suited to my facial structure and skin tone. Of course, at the time, I knew little about the art of personalizing a hairstyle or about how to select the right wig.

Later, when I could afford to spend more, I made purchases mostly via mail order catalogs to avoid outing myself. When the Internet came along, ordering wigs got even easier, but like mail order, I was still making a wig purchase based on how it looked on the model in the catalog. Unfortunately, the wigs I ordered didn’t look nearly as good on me as they did on the model and in many cases, the wig I received bore little resemblance to the picture in the catalog. Obviously, it would have been much smarter to buy a wig in person from a salon where I could try it on and be fitted properly. At the time, however, I simply didn’t possess the courage or the confidence.

Eventually, I worked my way out of the closet and at some point, I forced myself to go to a salon for a wig fitting and purchase. And while it was clearly a much better method of purchase, the downside was the extra cost. On that first visit, the specialist fitted me with a beautiful blonde wig that really looked great, but it cost me well over $200. Because it was such a huge hit to my “girl” budget, I was forced to wear the wig for nearly four years, even though after only two years, it was already beginning to show its age. This is a typical failing of even the most well-made synthetic wigs, a fact that adds even more to the cost of maintaining a well-coiffed appearance.

Human hair wigs are an alternative to synthetic, but they are extremely expensive and require the same high-level of care and preparation as real hair. I did give thoughts to trying one, but the cost deterred me. The best solution, something I have always dreamed of, was to grow out my own hair. Unfortunately, that isn't currently a realistic option for me, so, synthetic wigs have always been my solution for maintaining a feminine hairstyle.

Since a hairstyle is such a powerful form of camouflage, choosing the right wig is critical. A wig can counter or at least soften masculine facial features, helping to feminize the appearance. I have discovered through trial and error that sometimes it is subtle wig characteristics that can make the most difference. The sweep or length of the bangs, the location of the part, the fall of the wig can each help to feminize a face. The trick is to find the characteristics that work best for individual facial features.

Whether online or in salons, I have spent a tremendous amount of money on wigs over the years and finding that perfect wig has always been elusive. However, five years ago, while searching online, I found a style called "Glow Girl” by Forever Young. Like Internet and mail order purchases from my past, I held out little hope the wig would end up being my go-to style. Additionally, the wig was priced at $29 and certainly, a wig this inexpensive couldn't possibly look as nice on me as it did in the online photo. Still, there was something about it that pushed me to buy it anyway.

Honestly, I was fully expecting to be disappointed when the wig arrived in the mail, but surprisingly Glow Girl proved to be the most flattering wig I'd ever owned. In fact, I was so happy with the way it looked on me that I ordered two more in slightly different shades. This particular purchased taught me that,while a challenge, it is possible to find a very nice wig without spending a fortune. Unfortunately, this discovery was mostly luck since I purchased it based on how it looked on the model instead of getting it fitted on me first.

Today, I own five Glow Girl wigs. The last two I purchased cost $39 and $49 respectively, but I still consider them bargains. All of my wigs are color variations of either blonde or red shades as they tend to flatter me best.

I learned something else interesting after acquiring my collection of Glow Girl wigs: each of them was slightly different. The differences were subtle, which didn't change the overall style, but the subtleties; how much curl, texture and fullness and the fall and length of the bangs gave each wig its own unique personality. I don't know if this is a quality control issue associated with this particular manufacturer or if the nature of wig construction generates slight variations in all wigs of the same style.

Owning multiple wigs allows me to rotate them, which significantly increases the amount of time it takes for any one of them to wear out. And these five wigs actually cost me less than a single high-priced salon wig would have making Glow Girl even more of a bargain. Rotation also allows me to vary my color choices from day to day, something I believe keeps my hairstyle looking fresh and new.

Finally, after so many years, I have satisfied my personal quest to find the perfect hairstyle at least for now. I must assume that as I age, the hairstyle I wear today may not suit an older me in the future. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now I'm extremely happy with this style as it accentuates the feminine characteristics I possess very effectively.

I’m not trying to advocate for the style or the manufacturer of the wig I currently wear. That wouldn’t make sense, because a hairstyle that works for me may not be a good match for someone else. In fact, choosing a wig is an intensely personal choice and each of us has to pick a style and cut that best suits our feminine and dare I say it, our masculine characteristics.

Ultimately, I can't guarantee that someone else will be as lucky as me finding a go-to hairstyle. After all, it only took me 25 years, but there are beautiful, well-made wigs out there and they don’t need to break the bank.

Wearing Rachel Zoe (Source: Rachel Zoe)

Professional femulator Mr. Gene Chandler, circa 1965