Episode 24
“THE BOYS GET DRESSED”
Act 1
FADE IN
Ricardo living room
RICKY sits reading a fashion magazine. There is a knock at the door. RICKY puts down the magazine, stands up, and approaches the hallway door.
RICKY Who is it?
FRED It’s Fred.
RICKY opens the door and FRED walks in with his hands in his pockets.
FRED What are you doing?
RICKY I was so bored that I was reading one of Lucy’s fashion magazines.
FRED I’m bored, too.
RICKY I miss Lucy.
FRED I can top that. (pause) I miss Ethel!
RICKY Well, the girls are going to be visiting Lucy’s mother until tomorrow. How are we going to keep busy until then?
FRED I don’t know. Do you have any ideas?
RICKY’s eyes light up.
RICKY Lucy’s fashion magazine gave me an idea!
FRED is aroused and starts rubbing his hands in anticipation.
FRED What do you have in mind, pal?
RICKY picks up the fashion magazine, opens it, and shows it to FRED.
RICKY Look at all these models dressed in beautiful clothes.
FRED (excited) You think we can land dates with a couple of models?
RICKY No! That’s not what I had in mind.
FRED (mildly annoyed) Well, what do you have in mind?
RICKY Wouldn’t you like to dress up in beautiful clothes like those models?
FRED You bet I would!
RICKY Well, tonight I am going to dress up in Lucy’s clothes and go out on the town. Are you with me, Frieda?
FRED (effeminately) That sounds dreamy, Raquel!
RICKY OK! I’ll make an appointment at Lucy’s beauty salon for the two of us. We’ll get the works done.
FRED That sounds great!
RICKY I’ll call the salon now.
RICKY walks to the telephone table, picks up the telephone directory, thumbs through its pages, and finds what he is looking for.
RICKY Here it is.
RICKY dials the telephone.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for someone to answer his call.)
RICKY Hello, is this Florence’s Beauty World?
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKY This is Mr. Ricardo. Mr. Mertz and I are planning to go out on the town tonight dressed as women and we want the works.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKY Yes, that’s right. We want our hair and nails and makeup done.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKY OK… and do you do waxing?
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKY That’s wonderful. We each want full body waxing.
(Brief pause as RICKY waits for a reply.)
RICKY OK. We’ll see you later.
RICKY hangs up the telephone.
RICKY We have appointments at 2 O’clock.
FRED Great! What are you going to wear tonight, Rick?
RICKY I’ve been dying to try on Lucy’s green evening gown… the low cut one with the slit up the side.
FRED That sounds hot!
RICKY What are you going to wear, Fred?
FRED Well, I love Ethel’s pink chiffon cocktail dress.
RICKY (effeminately) That sounds darling.
FRED (effeminately) I think so, too.
RICKY Well, I’ll meet you later. Then, we can walk to the salon for our appointments.
FRED See you then.
RICKY picks up the fashion magazine, opens it, and begins admiring its pages.
FADE OUT
Act 2
FADE IN
Ricardo living room
The room is empty. There is a knock at the door.
RICKY Who is it?
FRED (effeminately) It’s Frieda.
RICKY (effeminately) I’ll be there in a second, Frieda.
RICKY enters stage left in full drag, walks to the hallway door, and opens it. FRED enters the living room in full drag.
FRED How do I look?
RICKY You look better in that dress than Ethel’s does!
FRED This girdle is killing me, though.
RICKY (effeminately) That’s a sacrifice us girls must make to look beautiful.
FRED I guess.
RICKY How do I look?
RICKY sashays around the sofa with his hips swinging suggestively.
FRED You look fantastic!
RICKY Thank-you… and get a load of these?
RICKY bends over to show off his breasts and cleavage.
FRED How did you manage that?
RICKY I taped my breasts together. Don’t they look real?
FRED They sure do! Can I fondle them?
RICKY Maybe later.
The telephone rings. RICKY sashays to the telephone and picks up the receiver.
RICKY Hello.
Cut to MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL (nervously) Hello, Mr. Ricardo. This is Mrs. Trumbull.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY Hello, Mrs. Trumbull. What can I do for you?
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL (nervously) Well, I don’t mean to be a bother, but a few minutes ago, I saw a strange woman walking through the halls and she was headed toward your apartment.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY breaks out in laughter.
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL (annoyed) What’s so funny Mr. Ricardo?
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY (amused) That strange woman was Mr. Mertz. He and I are dressed up as women.
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL (amused) Oh, that explains it! I was so worried.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY There’s nothing to worry about!
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL Do you need any help?
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY What do you mean?
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL Well, I’m an expert at dressing up men like women. As you may remember, when Mr. Trumbull was alive, I made him dress as a woman and I also made a lovely woman out of my son.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY How could I forget your husband, Mary-Ann, and your son, Mary-Ann Junior?
Cut back to the MRS. TRUMBULL’s apartment with MRS. TRUMBULL on the telephone.
MRS. TRUMBULL Well, I’m here if you need me.
Cut back to the Ricardo apartment with RICKY on the telephone.
RICKY Thank-you, Mrs. Trumbull. Good-bye. (pause) What a nice neighbor!
FRED Yes, she’s a doll.
There is a knock at the door.
RICKY Now, who can that be?
RICKY sashays to the door, opens it, and LUCY and ETHEL walk in.
RICKY (shocked) Lucy, you’re not supposed to be home until tomorrow!
LUCY (angrily) Never mind that, buster. What’s been going on here while we were away?
RICKY (sheepishly) I can explain.
LUCY (sarcastically) This ought to be good!
RICKY (sheepishly) Well, you see, honey. Fred and I had nothing to do tonight, so we decided to get dressed up like women and go out on the town.
ETHEL (angrily) What do you have to say for yourself, Fred?
FRED (sheepishly) Raquel… I mean, Ricky’s telling the truth, honeybunch.
LUCY (sarcastically) What do you make of these two girls?
ETHEL (amused) Actually, I think they look pretty good!
LUCY (amused) I do, too. Why don’t you and I get dolled up too, then the four of us can have a girls' night out?
ETHEL What a wonderful idea, Lucy! Come on, Fred, you can help me pick out something to wear.
FRED OK, honeybunch.
FRED and ETHEL leave the apartment and LUCY stands with her hands on her hips giving RICKY the once over.
RICKY What’s the matter, Lucy?
LUCY You look gorgeous, honey, but…
RICKY But, what?
LUCY I don’t like you wearing my clothes.
RICKY I’m sorry, dear.
LUCY Next, time you get dressed up in women’s clothes, they better be your own.
RICKY But, I don’t own any women’s clothes.
LUCY Well, we can fix that. Tomorrow we can go on a shopping spree and buy all the women’s clothes that you will need.
RICKY Really!
LUCY Yes, really. I don’t want people saying that my husband wears my hand-me-downs.
RICKY Oh, honey, that’s a dream come true.
RICKY runs to LUCY and embraces her. While embraced, LUCY looks at the audience and gives the audience a knowing wink.
FADE OUT
 |
| I absolutely love this dress that Doris Day wore in the 1961 film Lover Come Back. |
 |
| Doris Day discovers a femulating Paul Lynde powdering his nose in the 1966 film The Glass Bottom Boat. |
