No, they are not your clothes!
By Brenda
These days it’s harder to be considered normal as a CD with all the negativity over Drag Queens and children story time and the manipulation of teens to transition quickly with puberty blockers. I knew in High School I was a boy and would remain a boy even if I enjoyed dressing up.
My presentation today is totally different than when I had no money and I am working through understanding why I present myself as a middle aged business woman. I would enjoy my “work from hotel” as Brenda, writing reports, selling widgets and sending out emails for things to get done, and even visiting Target for pantyhose and press on nails en femme. Call these activities whatever you want but they are normal, safe and perfectly sane for those who enjoy it. Crossdressing is mentally a complicated mess of feelings and biases and fear of getting caught and widely misunderstood. Are you a crossdresser if you have a beard? Apparently so!
I am not indigenous, but I identify with the term 2S. Two-Spirit is a term used by some Indigenous North American cultures to describe a person who embodies both masculine and feminine spirits. It is not just about gender identity or sexual orientation but also carries cultural and spiritual significance. If I remove the cultural portion the rest of it makes perfect sense to me. I am comfortable in a male space and female space.
Crossdressers do not necessarily portray a specific sexual identity. Crossdressing is about clothing and personal expression rather than sexual orientation. A crossdresser can be of any sexual identity—straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual. If the man doesn’t wear an outfit from head to toe (with or without make up) then I would say he isn’t that into crossdressing.
Some crossdressers enjoy it as a hobby, a form of self-expression, or as a way to explore gender presentation, but it doesn’t automatically mean they identify as transgender or have a particular sexual preference. It’s important to separate gender expression (how someone presents themselves) from sexual orientation (who they are attracted to). This is important to understand and I am still processing what it all means as I desire and continue to be attracted to women.
I had read some articles on how to tell your wife. I had heard and witnessed similar scenarios with my friends where the husband confesses to being gay, or cheating but none with wearing a dress. I have my suspicions and maybe one day the question will be asked during coffee or maybe hinted in a joke or two.
I found an article I had written for when the time came to be open, honest, transparent and ready to save my marriage over a dress. I was hoping this would help soften the pain I am causing her. I don’t look better than her in a dress, far from it, but I can wear 5 inch heels and she can’t and I do feel passable. There are others in Femulation Nation that do a better job at presentation and have a more natural feminine body. I have to work a lot harder to camouflage my maleness.
Honey, you are not alone and neither am I!
How to Cope with a Crossdressing Husband
Discovering that your husband crossdresses can be a surprising revelation. You may never have envisioned him wearing women’s clothing or applying makeup, and it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions. However, it’s important to remember that he is still the same person you married. If you're struggling to accept this aspect of his identity, this guide will help you understand crossdressing and why some men are drawn to it.
Things You Should Know
Many men crossdress to express their femininity or simply as a hobby.
Crossdressing does not automatically mean your husband is gay or transgender; it is separate from sexual orientation and gender identity.
Have an open conversation about boundaries and how openly he intends to cross dress.
What is Crossdressing?
Crossdressing refers to men wearing women’s clothing, accessories, or makeup. Some men dress in women’s clothing daily and in public, while others do so privately or only on occasion. While this may be new to you, crossdressing is relatively common, with estimates suggesting that 2% to 10% of men in America engage in it regularly. I bet if you look around the table at the next sales meeting, knowing that your husband is not alone, there are a few in the lot that enjoy dressing up and in fact I bet one of the men is wearing a bra and panties right now.
Many men experiment with crossdressing at a young age and continue if they find enjoyment in it. While traditionally associated with men wearing women’s clothing, women can also crossdress by wearing traditionally masculine clothing in public or private settings.
For many men, revealing their crossdressing can be stressful due to societal biases. If this revelation impacts your relationship, it's normal to feel uncertain—we're here to help you navigate it and answer some questions. Many crossdressers are in it for the chance to express their femininity and not for sex with men as you will be surprised how many are attracted to women while dressed as women. They would love nothing better than to go to the mall and shop. These crossdressers identify as lesbian to put it the simplest.
Most of the time they enjoy dressing up in private, alone in their thoughts, and just enjoy expressing a side of them that brings calmness, peace and joy.
Why Some Men Crossdress
“It makes them feel more feminine.”
Many men crossdress to connect with their feminine side, breaking free from societal expectations of masculinity. Much like wearing perfume or painting nails, crossdressing can be a way to express oneself and feel more balanced.
“They like how they look.”
Just as people enjoy dressing up for themselves, some men crossdress simply because they appreciate how they look in women’s clothing.
“They do it for fun.”
For some, crossdressing is a hobby, much like fashion, makeup, or woodworking. It can be an enjoyable and creative form of self-expression.
“It’s a sexual kink for them.”
For some men, crossdressing is sexually exciting. If you are uncomfortable with it in the bedroom, you have every right to express your boundaries, just as he has the right to his preferences.
I think that many men that are exploring kink or sexual fetish use women’s clothing, hosiery and of course shoes. They are driven with a sexual desire that is focussed on the object itself as opposed to wearing the actual object. A more intense relationship with a shoe for example would be the fact of wearing them for sexual thrill as well as the object itself. I don’t really see that as crossdressing unless they wear the shoes with hosiery but then again it may be sexual.
Does Crossdressing Mean My Husband Isn’t Straight?
No. Crossdressing is independent of sexual orientation. Many heterosexual men crossdress and maintain loving relationships with their wives.
Does Crossdressing Mean My Husband is Transgender?
No. Crossdressing does not necessarily indicate a desire to transition. Your husband may simply enjoy dressing in women's clothing while identifying as a man. However, for some, crossdressing can be a step toward exploring their gender identity. Only your husband can determine that for himself.
Setting Your Own Boundaries
“Talk to your husband about what you’re comfortable with.”
It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Take your time to process and set boundaries that work for you.
“I’m okay with you crossdressing at home, but I’d really prefer if it was done in private and without me.”
“It’s fine if you crossdress, but I’d rather you not borrow my clothes or makeup.”
“Please do not create a problem leaving the house as Shirley and making the neighbours curious.”
“Crack on with the frocks, mate, but you’re still bunking in with me. And blimey, how do you not just look like a geezer in a dress?”
“Ask your husband how open he’s going to be about his crossdressing.”
Some men crossdress only in private, while others do so daily. Understanding his level of openness can help you set mutual boundaries.
“Discuss whether or not to talk to your kids (if you have any).”
If you co-parent, you may need to decide whether your husband will crossdress in front of your children and how you will explain it to them.
“Let your husband know what you’d like your sex life to look like.”
If crossdressing in the bedroom makes you uncomfortable, express your feelings openly. You are entitled to your boundaries just as much as he is.
Supporting Your Husband
“Encourage him to express himself.”
It’s okay if you need time to adjust, but showing support can strengthen your relationship.
“Look into groups or communities he could join.”
Finding supportive communities can help your husband feel accepted. Search for crossdressing groups in your area or online.
“Let him talk about women’s clothing and fashion with you.”
Your husband may have been waiting for years to share his interest in fashion with someone. If you're comfortable, engage in these discussions. However, if you ever feel overwhelmed, gently set limits.
“Honey, I love talking about shoes with you, but can we discuss what our plans are for dinner?”
Crossdressing can be a complex topic, but with open communication and mutual respect, you can navigate this journey together. Your relationship is built on love, and this new aspect of your husband’s identity doesn’t have to change that.
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| Wearing Ann Taylor |
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| Martin West, Steven Rogers and Aaron Kincaid femulating in the 1965 film The Girls On The Beach. |
Why is it OK for women to wear coats and ties, but society disapproves of men wearing dresses? For example, I have seen Melania Trump wear a 3 piece suit with a tie and nobody says anything about it. That is truly a DOUBLE STANDARD.
ReplyDeleteAs a dress wearing man, I consider myself a freestyler and not a crossdresser as I do not take on a feminine name but use my real male name.
John
There is an important, if not critical, issue that you have overlooked in your post and that is the question of trust. And that's a lesson I learned the hard way.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, for one reason or another, many of us try to bury our crossdressing proclivaties when we marry, only for them to resurface several years if not decades into the marriage. We then have to endure an emotional battle in our minds as we struggle to keep things under control and well away from the marriage. But in so doing, we dig ourselves deeper into a hole as our feminine presentation becomes more accomplished.
When, for whatever reason, we have to confront the issue with our spouse, it's easy to think that it's just a case of getting her to come to terms with our crossdressing. But what many of us fail to appreciate is that this may not be the biggest part of the issue and our wife may be far more concerned about the deceit and secrecy that has gone on - mine certainly was and, at the time, declared that she didn't know whether she'd ever be able to trust me again. That trust took a long time to rebuild.
And that does put a cloud over your point about still being the man they married. Again, as I found out, far from being reassurance, it can be interpreted as an admission that the person they married has always been deceitful, in fact so deceitful that they never realised so what else are they hiding? Again, my wife said that if she'd known prior to marriage, she would have terminated the relationship, such was the trauma that my confession caused her.
The best time to come clean about one's crossdressing is before the relationship becomes serious; granted it may finish the relationship there and then but better that than a divorce after years/decades of marriage if the wife finds the whole thing untenable (which many do). Failing that, then the next best time is as soon as it's apparent that the urges are returning; at least at that stage we're not too far down the crossdressing rabbit hole and our 'rap sheet' of crossdressing activities isn't too long.
But if we're faced with a late confession then that confession has to focus on the wife and her needs. She needs to understand the extent of the crossdressing, how it will impact the marriage (or be kept well clear of it) and where it is heading. Most important, she needs to understand why it has been kept from her for so long. The best start point for planning before a confession is to think how we'd feel if the tables were turned and we found out not only that our wife liked to bind her chest, wear a wig and false beard and stuff rolled up socks 'down below' but she'd been doing it for several years behind our back. That will enable things to be framed in a proper perspective and possibly save the marriage as a result.
Some good tidbits in there for those ready to have "the talk" with their SO.
ReplyDeleteI think the reason the woman looks so horrified is because the pink sandal in her left hand has somehow fallen apart!
I have always been of the mind that, when entering into what could be a long lasting (life long) relationship, you CANNOT start it off with keeping secrets. I have been married twice - told them both before we tied the knot. The first said she was OK with it as long as she didn't see it. That wasn't true, and after 14 years she left me. My current wife has been supportive and has gone out with Julie a number of times, currently she prefers not to participate. However, I will go to my grave saying that before marrying you NEED to tell her about it. If she loves you, she won't let you go.
ReplyDelete“A man can do what he wants, but he can’t choose what he wants.”
ReplyDeleteSchopenhauer