Did My IQ Drop or Did I Just Become a Woman?

By Monika Kowalska

When I transitioned into a woman, I knew there would be challenges. I braced myself for the awkward stares, the whispered gossip and the occasional invasive question from co-workers who thought HR policies were more like suggestions. But what I didn’t expect? That my transition would apparently cause a sudden and catastrophic drop in my intelligence or at least, that’s how my workplace started treating me.

Before transition, I was considered sharp, competent and maybe even a little intimidating. My opinions were valued, my decisions trusted. But the moment I returned as Monika, something strange happened. Suddenly I was getting interrupted in meetings. Emails explaining basic concepts flooded my inbox. And in the biggest plot twist of all, some of the very same men who used to ask for my advice on complex problems were now explaining my own job to me.

At first, I thought maybe I was imagining things. Maybe I was just being sensitive. But then I came across stories from other women from my department and I realized this is just standard operating procedure for a woman at work.

Take the story of a specialist, who walked into a meeting only to be assumed as the "note taker" because, obviously, the only reason a woman would be in a room full of specialists is to transcribe their brilliance. Or the one where a female specialist made a suggestion, got ignored and then watched in horror as a male colleague repeated her idea five minutes later to thunderous applause.

The funniest part? My actual skills hadn’t changed. I was still the same professional with the same experience making the same solid decisions. But now that I had the audacity to be a woman, my competence was suddenly up for debate.

Luckily, not everything turned sour. My female co-workers have been an incredible source of support. They were the first to welcome me with open arms, the first to whisper, “Yeah, that guy explains everything to us, too,” and the first to share their survival tips for navigating a workplace that often underestimates us. It turns out there’s a sisterhood in the struggle and if there’s one silver lining, it’s the camaraderie of women looking out for each other.

Then, of course, there’s the ongoing workplace scandal: my skirt. One inch shorter than usual and suddenly I’m a walking HR violation. If I show a little confidence and dress more boldly, it’s like I set off an emergency alarm. “Is that appropriate for work?” whispers someone who has never once commented on a man’s golf shorts in the summer. I mean, I’ve seen men wear flip-flops to the office, but sure, let’s talk about my skirt.

And then, there’s the cherry on top: entertaining clients. Normally, company dinners are just that, dinners. But throw in a few drinks and suddenly some customers mistake me for part of the entertainment. The first time it happened, I froze. I worried about upsetting the client, hurting business, making waves. But after talking to my female colleagues, I realized something: if a customer thinks their inappropriate behavior is acceptable, maybe we don’t need their business. Now, I handle these situations with a polite, but firm reminder that I’m here for business, not to be their after-dinner amusement.

Do I let this get me down? Absolutely not. Do I wish I could wear a little red button labeled “STOP MANSPLAINING?” Maybe. But here’s the thing, I would transition all over again, workplace discrimination be damned. Because being treated unfairly for being a woman is still a thousand times better than living a life where I wasn’t me. And if I have to fight for my seat at the table, then so be it. I’ll just make sure to sit in the best chair with the best view, while sipping the coffee that someone else had to fetch for a change.

Since 2013, Monika has been interviewing trans people in her blog, The Heroines of My Life. Click here to see who she has interviewed lately.

Wearing Ann Taylor

Tia