The Big Small Thing

By Monika Kowalska

We’ve been pen pals with Stana for a while now and I absolutely love her blog. I’m always curious about the fashionable pictures she posts, knowing her fantastic style and taste. Her blog stories are also so inspiring – they help me realize more about myself and my own journey. I had the pleasure of interviewing Stana for my blog, Heroines of My Life, and she shared such eloquent insights about her life and self-discovery. After that, we thought it would be fun to flip the script – this time, I’d be the one sharing my thoughts for Stana’s blog. As we discussed what might interest you, I applied an elimination strategy to decide what to leave out.

I am a transgender woman and yes, I’ve gone through all the stages on my long road to womanhood: hormone replacement therapy, facial feminization surgery and gender-affirming surgery. But I won’t focus on those. They were challenging, expensive and impacted my social life, including losing friends, some family members and even a job. I won’t dwell on them because honestly, they’re not what I think will interest you most.

I’ll touch on one small thing, which is actually quite big that I’ve experienced living as a woman for almost 15 years. Do you know that women talk in the bathroom? You’ve probably wondered why girls always seem to go to the bathroom in groups or pairs. What exactly are we doing in there? It’s a bit of a mystery, but it might be useful for some of you who find yourselves in ladies’ restrooms when out en femme. Of course, with dark clouds looming and the risks increasing, especially for those in the USA, it might not be safe to do so anymore.

So why do we go to the bathroom in pairs? The most practical answer is that there’s almost always a line for the women’s bathroom, especially at crowded places like bars or restaurants. This was something I noticed right away. Back in my first miserable part of life in ‘man mode,’ when I had to pee, it was quick. But now, when I feel the urge, even under pressure, I have to hold it in because there are always a couple of ladies ahead of me. So to kill time, it’s always helpful to have a friend to chat with. Waiting in line alone can be boring, so bringing someone along makes it more bearable. Plus, some of my friends feel awkward waiting by themselves, so I often go with them to keep them company.

Guys are raised with a set of unspoken bathroom rules like avoiding eye contact with other guys and keeping conversations to a minimum. They’re basically discouraged from forming the same kind of camaraderie that women share in public restrooms. It's important to keep this in mind. So, is the women’s bathroom a prime spot for girl talk? I would say, “Probably yes,” but I’d have a hard time specifying the exact topics. What we actually talk about in there can vary. It could be anything from light chit-chat to more intimate conversations, like seeking or offering emotional support. I’ve always tried to be very rational about men and relationships, so my best friends rely on me to help them untangle the most complicated issues. And I must say, some of those talks definitely happened in the bathroom.

I’ve always preferred sitting to pee, even before my surgery. I never liked those bars with ‘crying walls’ where urine flows from one wall to the urine outlet. I detested them. In public restrooms, I used to avoid sitting on the toilet for hygiene reasons, but after my surgery, that wasn’t an option anymore. 

Public bathrooms can be terrifying, especially when they aren’t cleaned regularly. I’ve tried to figure out how to avoid touching the toilet seat. Women have long searched for ways to avoid sitting and now there are funnel-like devices called Personal Urination Devices or Female Urinary Devices that let us stand while peeing. But these are not always available, so I had to rely on the tips from real experts: my cis-female friends.

Following their kind support, I must say that I'm a fan of the squat/hover method. For the least messy results, I place my feet wider than hip-width apart to create a stable base. Then I lean slightly forward and hover over the seat. I also find it helpful to balance my hands or elbows on my thighs while leaning forward to avoid wobbling. I’ve been working on strengthening my thighs, too. The stronger my legs, the easier the squat becomes. It’s like going to the gym everyday, but without the membership fee!

When I use a public restroom, I always keep my outfit in mind. I try to avoid wearing trousers when I go out because some clothes are easier to manage in a dirty restroom. Ideally, I'd wear a skirt without underwear to make hovering easier, but that's not always realistic. When I wear something more complicated like a jumper, I make sure to roll down the top and gather the wide legs to keep them off the floor. Then I carefully back up into a hover position over the toilet. With shorts or pants, I only lower them as much as needed to keep them off the ground and practice balancing with them around my knees.

Is there another reason we instinctively pair up or group together? I’d say it’s because there’s safety in numbers, especially when we're in unfamiliar or crowded places. It’s just easier to navigate the crowd and look out for each other. Getting hit on or approached by a random person in public can be awkward and even scary, especially for me. While I’m reasonably passable and don’t usually get clocked unless I reveal that I’m trans, it’s still something I have to be aware of.

And finally, we hit the bathroom together to freshen up – whether it’s fixing our hair, touching up our makeup or adjusting our clothes – especially at a club where we’re dancing and sweating. We might reapply makeup, borrow each other’s lipstick or hairspray (I am not a fan of lending my lipstick – sorry to my female friends for spelling that out) or ask for opinions on our outfits or hair before heading back out. 

A lot of cis women also prefer not to discuss their periods in front of guys or people they don’t know well. When that time of the month strikes and a woman realizes she doesn’t have a tampon or pad, the solution is simple: grab a friend and head to the bathroom to borrow one. For obvious reasons, I don’t have periods (though I kind of wish I did, even though my best cis friend keeps telling me I’m lucky), but I always keep an extra tampon or pad on hand for situations like that. In fact, I’ve even been asked by my best friend, who knows I don’t need them, to share one! She was probably so desperate that she forgot I’m trans.

To wrap this up, I’ll leave you with this: The women’s bathroom is truly a magical place where we bond, share secrets, and sometimes even lend out our emergency tampons. It’s a world of its own, filled with laughter and support. So next time you find yourself in a public restroom, whether you’re queuing for a bathroom or nervously hoping you don’t spill your pee, just remember, we’ve got each other’s backs... even if we have to squat, hover and chat through the whole ordeal. 

Monika has been interviewing trans people in her blog, The Heroines of My Life, for over 12 years. Click here to see who she has interviewed lately.

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