Thursday, October 3, 2024

What do they think of me?

By Paula Gaikowski (paula.gaikowski@gmail.com)

As a transgender woman, I’ve often found myself pondering the thoughts of others, particularly those of other women, when I’m out in public. The simple act of being addressed as “ma’am” or having a door held open for me can bring immense joy and validation. It’s a small gesture that can make a world of difference.

For many transgender women, like myself, the desire to be seen and perceived as a woman is deeply rooted in our identity. While it may not be a priority for everyone, it's a crucial aspect of my own journey. Presenting in a feminine way, whether through clothing, makeup, or other means, has allowed me to express my true self and alleviate the distress I've felt living in a body that didn't align with my gender identity.

As a transgender woman who hasn't transitioned, I've often wondered how others perceive me. While I may “pass” as a woman in certain situations, there are often subtle cues that can reveal my transgender identity. To better understand the thoughts and perceptions of others, I decided to conduct a small experiment. 

Inspired by JJ’s recent Stuff post, I recalled a question I posed on Reddit: What do you think of crossdressers in public? I shared several photos of myself and received a variety of responses.

I posed a question to the askwomen forum with over 40,000 subscribers asking them to share their thoughts. 

The responses to the question about crossdressers in public were largely positive and accepting, reflecting a growing shift towards greater tolerance and understanding of gender diversity. A significant number of women commented that they would have assumed the crossdresser was a cisgender woman, demonstrating a growing acceptance of gender fluidity. Some even found it refreshing or inspiring to see someone expressing their individuality.

Several comments highlighted concerns about safety, particularly in areas where crossdressing might be met with hostility. There were also a few instances where women admitted to briefly noticing or judging the crossdresser's outfit, but these were generally mild and not malicious.

While a small minority of respondents expressed discomfort or disapproval, their comments were often overshadowed by the overwhelming positivity of the rest of the forum. Many women praised the crossdresser's confidence and courage and expressed a desire for greater acceptance of gender nonconformity in society.

Just to note when posed with the question, “How would you feel if your husband was a crossdresser.” The reactions are almost all negative.

In conclusion, the responses from the women’s forum suggest that the majority of people are becoming more open-minded and tolerant of crossdressing and other forms of gender expression. While there is still work to be done to ensure the safety and well-being of transgender individuals, the overall trend is encouraging and points to a future where everyone can feel free to express their true selves without fear of judgment or discrimination.

Click here to view the question, answers and links to photos of me for respondents to use as a point of reference.



Wearing Cara Cara skirt, Alaia shoes, Khaite jacket and Yliana Yepez bag.
Wearing Cara Cara skirt, Alaia shoes, Khaite jacket and Yliana Yepez bag.



Kandi Robbins of Kandi’s Land fame
Kandi Robbins of Kandi’s Land fame

16 comments:

  1. Thank you for doing the research, Sweetie.
    This question runs through my head every time Julie ventures out -- do they see me as a man in a dress, or do these women see me as "one of them"?
    I think my desire to pass convincingly is based mostly in my desire not to get into trouble (lol). I identify as a Hetero M to F Crossdresser - I have no desire to transition full time - but I do want to honor women by presenting as one of them. Also, as a professional actor, I accept the challenge to create Julie as a believable woman.

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  2. JJ Here - Hi Paula. Thanks for another well written blog post and thanks for mentioning me in it!

    I hope your post inspires others to consider their place in the world.

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  3. "How would you feel if your husband was a crossdresser?" The reactions are almost all negative, per your poll. That's the big issue in a marital relationship. When my wife and I had "The Talk" she stated "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" Before my interests and needs progressed to fully presenting as a woman, the act of donning a pretty nightie and hosiery was thought of as "kinky" or a fetish. It's one thing for a guy to want to wear a woman's panty, and, it's another thing for full presentation of wig, makeup, breast, hip and butt padding, and pretty dress, hosiery and heels, and all the proper undergarments. Throw in the mannerism of a woman. Sometimes I wonder if my acceptance of my wife's marital position is reflective of some feminine dna influence rather than forcing my position on her as it seems to be for many men: rule the roost whether attired as a man or as a woman?

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  4. Hi Paula

    It's a question that I ask myself almost everyday that I'm out However, the more one looks like an ordinary woman, the less people look. You look lika a lady, dress like a lady and, I'm sure' behave like a lady so you are accepted as the lady you are.
    You are right, there is much more acceptance of gender fluidity than there was when I was a child, but in two generations, so there should be. However, I'm still more than cautious about using women only spaces and in dress shops, especially lingerie stores always ask whether my presence will upset the normal customers. So far, I'm always accepted.

    Lily

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  5. I've often commented to other t-girls that, if I could have one superpower, it would be to read minds of people who meet Meg, but only for, say, ten seconds.
    Now I regularly wear trans pride earrings. When I do, they get lots of compliments. And I'd like to know if the other person really likes the earrings, or is acknowledging that she (mostly shes) understands the meaning.

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  6. Paula, great post and thanks for sharing this information. Yeah it does seem that women are more accepting in general of others, but when it is their spouse, that hits close to home and they still have a hard time with it.
    Paula, I LOVE that glen plad suit skirt. It looks great on you and you look very feminine and professional.
    -Christina

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    1. That outfit the Glenn plaid skirt and the Marino wool sweater were my power outfit felt so confident, feminine ready to go forward with that. It was the offer that let me get out and about in the world. Thanks for the compliment. Paula G

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  7. I am forever reminded of 20 years ago watching a female coworker who had just received the most atrocious haircut have praised heaped upon her by the other women around that morning. Women work to build unity, whether they truly ascribe to what they say or not.

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    1. My observation has been that women cooperate men compete

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  8. A number of years ago, a coworker and I surprised our former boss on Halloween: we met her for lunch and she met Meg for the first time. (She had no idea who she was.) My coworker did my makeup and I changed at her house. I asked her "do guys who crossdress bother you?" and she said they didn't. I then asked "would it bother you if it was your guy?" and she said "absolutely." I dropped the subject.

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    1. Hi Meg, That sounds like a fun lunch! I'm curious of your former boss's rection upon meeting Meg. And I think your coworkers response to you is how the vast majority of wives/ female partners would respond. They chose to be with a man, including the typical male appearance. We as CDs may find that appearance boring or ugly (and in need of some feminizing), but most women apparently do not.

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  9. The only time my wife wanted me to wear male attire was when she went out with me. Otherwise, I was free to dress en femme, including going out by myself and around the house.
    With the passing of my wife, it's seldom that I wear male attire. I need to donate a lot of those clothes since I wear dresses almost exclusively. I have NEVER been harrased with my feminine attire.

    John

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    1. And that be-male-when-we're-out thinking is not uncommon. Many wives do not want to be publicly associated with a crossdressing spouse. It's part of the same shame we feel (and hopefully grew out of) about our love of dresses. When I would go out, it's possible someone I knew would say "hey! That's a guy!" but if I were out with my wife, it's possible someone we knew would say "hey! That's {male name}!" and embarrass the wife... "her" secret is out!

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  10. You definitely threw yourself out there on that one, dear, but thank you for doing so, and for sharing with all of us!
    I love that outfit too. You have such a great style that seems to fit you, and that confidence helps you pass so well. Wherever you are, you just look like you belong there. : )
    Norah

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    1. To help me blend in and feel confident, I dress slightly nicer than the crowd but not too much . This subtle touch can make a big difference in how you’re perceived and how you feel.Paula G

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  11. It is now some time since I transitioned, my experiences have mostly been positive. These days most of my friends appear to have forgotten that I was ever anything other than what I now appear to be. I think unless I have done something stupid I have always been treated as I have presented.
    On the other hand my very open minded and caring wife couldn't handle the thought of being married to a woman, as it turned out neither of us is a lesbian so the relationship had to change, we are now divorced but are still very good friends.

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