English is a complex language and it can be confusing at times. In general, I prefer male pronouns (he, him, his) when in my guy mode of dress, which is pretty much always. When dressed though, I prefer female pronouns (she, her, hers) to reflect how I’m presenting in the world. I suspect that most Femulate readers do the same. It’s essentially the same thing as adopting a nom de femme when dressed.
How do we refer to other CDs?
It is pretty much just being polite to refer to other CDs using female pronouns when they are presenting that way. When we go to group meetings we always use female names and pronouns when talking to the others in attendance. As long as they are dressed as a woman, then female pronouns are appropriate.
Out with other CDs, but not dressed
We have developed friendships with other couples through our local CD group. We sometimes go out as “regular” couples and have a good time together. In those situations, the pronouns are always the regular male/female ones. An exception would be when talking in the third person about the femme side of one of the CDs. Perhaps, we want to say that a particular outfit would look good on the CDer, we would say that’s something that would look good on her.
More points of confusion
When exchanging text messages it’s sometimes confusing as to which pronouns to use. In general, I default to the male pronouns for the CDer when texting unless I’m specifically talking about girl stuff.
It becomes even more confusing though when talking to my SO about something to do with our CD couple friends. Do I refer to them as guy name and SO’s name, such as Bob and Alice? Or as their CD name and SO’s name, such as Barbara and Alice? In my case, my SO quickly recognizes the male/female couple, but it takes her a moment to recognize them when I use the CD’s femme name. Perhaps that’s because I’ve known the CDs for a while, but she has only met them more recently. I’d be curious to hear what others do in this case.
I’ll be back
No matter what the pronoun, there will be more Stuff. As always, comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more stuff, so if there is something you would like to read about please let me know!
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| Wearing Theory |
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| William Reynolds femulating in the 1951 film No Questions Asked. |
I present in female mode with dresses and painted nails virtually all the time. For formal occasions I wear makeup and frequently, heels. Nonetheless I use my real male name of John and prefer masculine pronouns. However, if someone uses feminine pronouns in reference to me it's no big deal.
ReplyDeleteJJ here - Thanks for the very interesting response. I wouldn't have expected something like that.
DeleteMy voice is anything but feminine. I sing second bass in my church choir, down to D2, one ledger line below the bass staff.
DeleteI am my own man; I don't follow the rigid coffin sized conventions of men's clothing and grooming. I admit I have been on estrogen for over 12 years so I have a feminine appearance, including a bust.
John
For us it is easier, my mother tongue (Hungarian) does not know genders, so the words he/she is just one word: ő. Same in Finnish, they use only one word: hän, and Turkish has also just one word: o. I live in the Czech Republic, and Czech - as the other Slavic languages as well - makes a distinction between male and female conjugation. Nothing serious, just adding an extra -a in the past tense for the women, when they speak or when they refer to them. E.g. dostal jsem ("I got" - male), dostala jsem ("I got" - female).
ReplyDeleteJJ here - Very interesting lesson in language! I get confused enough by english. It makes me wonder about French where just about everything has a gender. How did our languages evolve?
DeleteThe Romance languages, French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, Catalan, et c, Al are derived from Latin, which has gender, as has Greek.
Delete.
Language is a fascinating topic in itself, and is so fluid and more evolving than people realize. I think the fact that so many languages have not just different pronouns, but use other differences in words for male and female, sort of shows how deeply rooted some of this is.
DeleteNorah
This is something I wanted to ask about, esp. as there seems to be a growing belief from lgb sorts eg the writer John Boyne (who claims to be atrans ally but went mad when people criticised his well meaning but outdated book about a trans girl) that calling trans women she and her and trans men he/him is homophobic and misogynist, using the excuse that we'll having to call cross-dressing rapists like Isla Bryson she, and no rapist should be called she/her. The thing is, the language he was criticised for that made him anti-trans out of spite, this blog would probably be criticised by trans activists for the same for using phrases and pronouns ie over the years referring to transfemmes with he/him pronouns and kind of considering cross-dressers and transsexuals to be kind of equal, which is something I know some trans friends don't like. Hence why I've called trans women cross-dressing men, which understandably has confused some, but it's probably because as I said, my introduction to transess, a primer to transness was this blog in the early days.
ReplyDeleteB*yne is also one of many including controversially myself who dislike the word 'cis', believing it to be transphobic. I do but people like him seem to be using it as an excuse to misgender people, while I consider it a word that excludes basic cross-dressers from the trans community. I prefer 'genetic' or 'civilian', but I suppose it's from reading this blog so much which has shaped my own views on transness, that have been criticised by other trans friends.
I do wonder if any trans people on here agree. I certainly know a few British trans femmes who get really angry if you call them a woman (the singer/actor/comedian Lanah Pellay, the UFOlogist Jenny Randles), the latter seems quite odd to me, despite saying this stuff and following LGB Alliance, she spent most of her life stealth, therefore presenting as a genetic woman.
JJ Here - I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I've pretty much stated my position in the post but I'll add that if somebody looks like a female (to me) then I'll use the female pronouns. Just because that's what I do doesn't mean it is right or that everybody should do it that way.
DeleteI agree with your statement, but it's just I'm fascinated by the weird groupthink of GC gays.
DeleteInteresting, I was always loath to let those who knew my female persona to experience me as a male, I found it very difficult when I spent a holiday with a friend I knew as a trans woman, who was not at that point ready to travel in her true identity. Maybe this is a reflection of why some of us need to transition while others can maintain both personas.
ReplyDeleteSame here,,Paula. I often feel weird interacting as a male with males who know my female persona.
DeleteInteresting and thought provoking topic JJ!
ReplyDeleteIf someone is presenting as female, even if they don't "pass", myself included, I feel courtesy dictates the use of female pronouns, and to do otherwise is rather rude, if done intentionally.
That said, I realize the concept of gender fluidity muddies the water a bit. If someone has a beard, but is wearing a blouse, it is not always clear where they are at, and a formal introduction does not always happen. I do make mistakes, but just hope people do not think it is intentional.
They/them/it was always the hardest for me. If you request that, so be it, but I still have a hard time calling someone "it". It always seemed depersonalizing to me.
Norah
Oh, that is a great shot of William Reynolds, btw. I highly doubt any questions are asked of him en femme while pointing a revolver at someone, lol. Perhaps a remake/sequel could come about titled "Dirty Harriet". : )
ReplyDeleteNorah