When we parted last, I had just stepped out into the world, the new and improved Norah, ready to fully embrace all that I am and engage in social interaction with civilians for the first time…
Dining
I had a restaurant picked out already courtesy of Stana, who recommended a place she has frequented before. This was reassuring and I was also glad to be going to a local place for a “real” experience as I know the big chains have all sorts of training on how to be friendly and what not. I did not tarry in the car too long, grabbed my purse and headed in.
The place was half restaurant, and half deli, so I strolled over to the restaurant side and said “Just one please;” my first use of my months-long practiced femme voice! To someone other than a telemarketer,or the house plants anyway, LOL. There was a genuine look of surprise on the staff’s faces. I don’t know why. I know I was not “passing” in looks, but maybe they were expecting a deeper voice? Maybe I just sounded weird or fake. Whatever the case, the waitress told me to follow her as I tried to be conversational and told her I had never been here, but this place was highly recommended by a friend.
What happened next was a little confusing. One side of the place had a lot of full tables, the other was empty and the hostess was taking me to the empty section. I was a little miffed and thought they were just trying to hide the femulator from public view. To be honest, I was also relieved as well. I was completely terrified, and sitting secluded would not have been unwelcome.
My feelings changed however, when the hostess realized this section had not been prepared to seat people and she looked back at the crowded section and then looked back at me. She had a hesitant look on her face and shyly asked if I minded sitting over there. I realized later she was just very perceptive and likely knew how terrified I was,and was trying to do me a favor. I just smiled, feigned a confused look and said, “Of course not, dear,” as though I did this everyday. Fake it ’til you make it at its finest! So back we went and I was seated right in the middle of the room, the next occupied table just two feet away. I was DYING inside!
It was not until I went to take a sip of water that I realized my hands were shaking a bit. I really was showing how nervous I was. Dining alone in a restaurant is a daily thing for me and it is always a bit awkward to some degree, but I just ordered my meal and took my phone out to text some friends like I normally would. Inspired by all the cute photos Stana takes while dining, I also tried to nonchalantly take one of myself as well.
It did nothing to boost my confidence to say the least. I looked right dreadful. I’m bloated and starting to break out. My nervousness shows. I was not in best form. In my defense, I had been up early, driven for six hours, did two meetings along the way and was utterly tired to start with before getting en femme, and I was also very hungry. The lighting was horrid, and I was also not about to start cocking my head to strike a pretty pose. I’m sort of embarrassed to show it, but for the sake of the blog here, this is it…
I just reminded myself that I am who I am, and even a GG has long hard days when she does not look her best. Perhaps a Saturday afternoon off would have been best to try this, but I was here now determined to make the best of it. I slowly began to feel more at ease though, ate my meal and chatted with the waitstaff when they did come by.
I had to go back to the deli to pay when they brought my check, and I needed change to leave a tip. I could have asked the cashier to give it to the waitress, but I walked back into the restaurant, found my waitress and handed it to her myself! I tipped her well and thanked her for a great meal.
I went out to my car, took a deep breath and was quite proud of myself. I had done it! I had survived, had a good experience actually and knew that next time would be easier. You’d better believe that there will be a next time! To be honest, a year ago, this would have been taxing on me en homme. Not nearly this much and I was not always that way, but I had gotten that part of my life over the hump and now I was getting the other part over it. I felt rather good about the whole thing.
Shopping!
I was feeling good and did not want the night to end, so I decided to do some shopping. The mall was soon closing, so I just planned to go to Target, when I spied out of the corner of my eye a Home Goods and T.J. Maxx. Bingo! I wasted no time and headed in. Not wanting to be the cliché crossdresser buying clothes I headed to Home Goods first.
I looked around awhile and my confidence was starting to rise. No one followed me or gawked. As I walked down an aisle of mirrors I suddenly noticed myself and thought I did not look that bad! I spun around and yes, being more relaxed had actually improved my look. Looking back, I wish I had done an out and about photo then.
Not finding anything in Home Goods, I walked over to T.J. Maxx. I actually needed a new wallet as my current one is a bit ragged, but I did not find what I wanted and checked out purses. I was having an absolute ball trying different ones, when suddenly nature called, so off to the bathrooms I went. I half expected the generic family bathroom I see more and more at big stores and have used in the past, but this place had only a men’s and ladies’ room, so into the ladies’ side it was!
I’ve actually used the ladies’ room many times. A few times when the men’s room was closed, and a few times, inadvertently, when I was just half asleep, but I have never actually used a proper ladies’ room en femme, so this was another first I guess. No one was in there, though I did remain seated for the duration of the ride, just in case. I did my thing and took a few minutes to fix my hair before I left. As I exited, no one awaited me with torches and pitchforks.
With nowhere left to go, it was onto clothes... This was sort of anticlimactic for me in a way as I have done this before, but en homme and it has always felt a bit awkward. It never stopped me, but awkward best describes it.
It felt different tonight. Like it just felt right, as though I belonged there. There were a few other GGs among the racks and I did not avoid them as I would have done previously. Nor did they avoid me. No warm smiles either, no one complemented my outfit or jewelry, but they did not seem to be doing that for each other as well. So we were all just doing our thing and going about our lives.
I did not take notice at the restaurant, but I suddenly felt tall! At 5’7” I’m not tall at all, even for a girl, so maybe it was just short ladies out shopping that evening? Anyway, I found a sweater I liked and went to pay for it. I tried being conversational with the cashier, but she did not seem impressed and I doubt she would have been impressed by anyone else either, so it wasn’t me.
Back to the Hotel
I walked back to my car and was truly floating on cloud nine. I made the short drive back to the hotel, humming with Laura Wilde all the way. I had accomplished everything I set out to do and more importantly, the new and improved Norah was out! I know it sounds a bit silly, nothing exciting happened, but that is all I really wanted. Just a moment of being myself, and being treated like anyone else.
I managed to find a spot in the crowded parking lot right in front of the hotel and as I walked in the main door, I gave the clerk a little smile and wave and made my way up the elevator to my room. I did encounter another guest as I was fumbling in my purse for the door card and he paid me no attention to me. I doubt he suspected anything strange about me with my head down anyway, though I did not shy away intentionally.
Confidence is Key
We say that all the time here on the blog, but pushing myself way into the deep end, truly showed me how much it matters. If you don’t believe me, take note of me in the restaurant. (or maybe not and just forget you ever saw that wretched picture). At that particular moment, I was just trying to survive. By the end of the night, despite it being the end of a tiring 16-hour day, I felt great and had regained some of the happy glow I feel en femme. I’m a bit disheveled, but I’ll also let you see what I wore and see the rest of me for a change, and not just my hair.
I know this was a rather short and mundane outing and it took me longer to write this than the actual event, so I hope you did not find it altogether boring. I know I’m not all that and a tin of biscuits and right now, I don’t even think I come close to passing. But that is precisely my point. I’m nervous in new surroundings, I never feel my makeup is good enough and I can think of scores of other things I should improve upon, but if I waited to correct them all, I probably never would and I’d never get out. So I just went ahead anyway. I was not perfect, but felt I represented our tribe well and that is what matters.
In the end, I realized I set out to femulate a Stana- and Paula-style adventure and found something else; a Norah Blucher one instead! We are all at different places in our journeys and we are all unique, but hopefully we can use our own experiences to inspire others to get out there and have their own experiences.
Stana started this blog with the intention of getting more girls like us to take a leap and get out into the world. After all these years, it is still serving that purpose and if my little story and all the others can get one more girl out into the wild, who would not have otherwise, it continues on.
So there it is, loves. Questions and comments are always welcome below or e-mail me at nblucher at-sign proton dot me. I’d very much like to hear about your own out and about adventures. I promise you though, I will be having many more and hope to see you out in the world!
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| Wearing ModCloth |
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| Stana out and about at Tonkin’s Wigs |
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