By Paula Gaikowski paula.gaikowski@gmail.com
It's a common question among transgender women: when did you realize you were transgender? For some, the answer is clear from a young age. For others, it's a more gradual realization. For me, like many others, there were clues throughout my childhood that I now recognize as signs of my gender identity.
One such memory came flooding back to me recently. My wife and I were walking past a dance studio, and she jokingly suggested that I should take some classes. "I'll go get dinner," she said. "And yes, you can wear tights."
This seemingly innocuous comment triggered a wave of nostalgia. I remembered elementary school, specifically the days when girls with ballet lessons would leave school early. They'd be wearing leotards and tights underneath their skirts. And I remember feeling a pang of envy, a desire to be among them.
The dance studio was next to my dentist's office, and I would sometimes linger outside, listening to the classes. I’d watch my classmates pirouette and leap across the dance studio floor, their tutus shimmering under the stage lights. As a 10-year-old boy, I yearned to be part of their world. I’d imagine myself slipping into a tutu and tights, dancing alongside them. The night of the grand performance I’d imagine myself stepping in for someone who was sick. No one would know the truth. I’d dance the night away, a secret ballerina. Maybe then, they’d see me as I truly was. It was a forbidden dream, a fantasy that I dared not share in the 1960s.
Like many, I pushed down those feelings, only to have them resurface. It's a common experience, a testament to the enduring nature of our true selves.
Looking back, I realize that my childhood fascination with dance was more than just a passing interest. It reflected my deep-seated desire to express my femininity. The dance studio, with its graceful movements and beautiful costumes, represented a world I longed to be a part of.
As I continue my journey as a transgender woman, I find solace in knowing that I am not alone. Countless others have shared similar experiences, and their stories offer both inspiration and validation. It's a reminder that our identities are complex and multifaceted, shaped by both our personal histories and the broader cultural context in which we live.
Today, as I reflect on this childhood memory, I see it as a glimpse into the transgender woman I was always meant to be. It's a reminder that my journey began long before I had the words or the courage to articulate it. And it's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, our ability to overcome societal expectations and embrace our true selves.
 |
| Wearing Paige |
 |
| Michelle out and about in an art museum |
Oh yes! I can remember at primary school having ballerina fantasies and even today, one of my exercise walks takes me past a shop selling dance clothing and I always stop to look;
ReplyDeleteHowever, the real trigger moment for me was seeing in a UK weekly Picture Post, at about the date of the late queen's coronation, a long photo story about Roberta Cowell, Britain's first publicised transexual. At that moment, I realised that boys could be girls
However, despite the odd flurry of dressing in secret, it was only after the death of my wife in 1993, when I was 50 that I could, so to speak, let the woman come out. Now she is out and about regularly so can admire the femininity of dance clothes.
By the way, as well as the external look, the invisible aspects of femaleness are really important to me, so female products are always around me. I've increasingly become attracted to maternity; I did buy a maternity bra and panties and then a nursing bra and now, even at an ager where incontinence pads are more appropriate, still dream of those so female clothes and look.
I have a TG (pre op) who has "done" maternity; she said that it was one of the most intense episodes in a life of transition Lucky woman; I went out with her "pregnant" several times and it was an experience for both of us But was I jealous!
Ballet was not common where I lived. But it was the 80's, and aerobics were a thing. I so much wanted to wear an aerobics outfit. My sister eventually joined a gym and bought an outfit in order to attend a class. Her outfit was not as nice as some that I had seen on television. I don't know what the other ladies at her aerobics class were wearing... Maybe they were all of the same quality. In any case, I finally had access to one. I tried it on a time or two. I did not do any exercises in it. I just liked the fashion.
ReplyDeleteSo relatable Paula! My sisters took ballet and I would have loved to do the same. I always loved the pretty costumes and the graceful movements. Like you, I guess it was just me wanting to express my femininity back when I was in my teens.
ReplyDeleteAs I've shared here before, my first specific memory of wanting to wear girl's clothes was when my elementary school was putting on a holiday show. Some of the boys got the part of elves and had to wear green or red tights as part of the costume and I recall being so jealous. During those years I didn't wish to join in "girl activities", but when I wasn't busy doing stereotypical "boy activities" like dirt bikes and street hockey, I longed to be wearing the pretty outfits of my female classmates.
ReplyDeleteAnd today, as I participate in outdoor activities like hiking or biking or skiing, I imagine what outfit I would wear if I were doing them as a woman.
I, as a man, wear dresses when I hike, i also wear them when I go to church, shopping, doctor appointments, etc. If I can wear women's attire, so can you.
DeleteI guess when you were a child, you were subject to this form of child abuse: "Boys don't wear that". Mercifully, I was spared that abuse.
John
Click here to read about my experience going to dance school.
ReplyDeleteI just read all about your dance recital, sounds like a wonderful experience, flying very close the the flame, oh how we just longed for it all. I believe your Mom enrolled you because she wanted to expose you to the finer things in life, such was the thought at the time. Oh to be on that stage sounded wonderful--Paula G
DeleteI never had the ballet experience, but before I ever voluntarily crossdressed I had dreams in which I'd put on a pretty dress to go outside to play with my cousins. They're girls and when I opened the front door, in my dream, my mother would say, "girl's, Michael decided to wear a dress to play with you today."
DeleteMy cousins would giggle and welcome me. I felt an uneasiness, but also I was overjoyed that they appeared to accept me.
It was a wonderful reoccurring dream.
I had similar thoughts growing up, but for me it was wanting to wear a girls pleated school girl uniform instead of pants. I don't know what I had those thoughts but I was embarrassed about them.
ReplyDelete-Christina
Ever see movie or musical Billy Elliot? The life of 11-year-old Billy Elliot, a coal miner's son in Northern England, is forever changed one day when he stumbles upon a ballet class.
ReplyDeleteYep, ballet got my gender dysphoria going like nothing else when I was a kid. My sister took ballet lessons and didn't enjoy it but there was no chance of my being able to replace her. Sue x
ReplyDeletedon't forget you were all dealing with pre programmed guilt because you knew nothing about others and therefore there was something wrong with you. If you happened to be Catholic was that something to be confessed?--emily
ReplyDeleteAttending a Catholic high school, once a month, the nuns marched us to church next door to confess our sins. One time, I remember making up my mind to confess my crossdressing "sins," but when I got in the confession booth, I froze up and could not get out the words describing my sins. The priest sensed something was wrong and said he would forgive any sin I was too embarrassed to recall to him. All I had to do was admit that I had sins(s) I was too embarrassed to enumerate.
DeleteHere was my chance to get off the hook, a free pass that would enable me to start anew with a clean slate, but I blew it. I could not admit that I was hiding something from the priest! I ended up saying two Hail Mary’s and two Our Father’s and berating myself for years over that flub!
Oh my gosh, Stana I just read what you wrote here at 5:30 in the morning and I felt as if we’ve just touched on another commonality that you and I have, the same exact thing happened to me the guilt experience because of these feelings I still carry with me today, I believe I need to write about this. Hopefully, we see a post coming up in Femulate Paula G
DeleteMy Mom knew I would sneak into her lingerie drawer whrn I was 13 years old, and shr took me aside to tell me,,all young ladies need ballet lessons....if only she knew that was my dream come true......oh well,,,,,,Trina
ReplyDeleteGreat story Paula! I think we can all relate, as if it was not ballet, there was something femme we all wanted to do as children, but were not allowed to, or were too shy to.
ReplyDeleteKeep sharing with us dear. : )
Norah