It's Just a Phase

By Paula Gaikowski (paula.gaikowski@gmail.com)

"It's just a phase." An expression that has been uttered with dismissive familiarity in countless households, echoing through the lives of countless transgender individuals. The reality is that gender identity is a complex and deeply personal aspect of who we are. It is a journey, not a phase.

Over the years, as I've tried to solve this puzzle, I've observed various stages or phases that many of us experience. These stages are not linear, and some of us may skip or linger in certain ones. However, there seems to be common threads that connects us all.

In this article, I'll delve into these stages and share my own personal experiences. My hope is that by understanding these common experiences, we can support and uplift one another on our unique journey.

The Initial Spark

The journey of feminine expression often begins with a spark ignited in childhood, the teen years and sometimes adulthood. For many, this initial spark is a subtle yet profound curiosity or fascination with the feminine. In my case, this spark was ignited at a remarkably young age. I had this burning curiosity of what it might feel like to wear tights and a dress. A quiet envy of the girls in my class.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was just a little kid, maybe second grade, and I sneaked into my sister's room. Her closet was a whole new world to me, filled with clothes that were unique and beautiful I was particularly drawn to her fishnet stockings. I'd seen the other girls at school wearing them, and they looked so cool.

With a mixture of excitement and fear, I slipped on a pair of panties, the stockings and then a dress. It felt weird at first, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this was right. This was the beginning, my desire to be feminine to be a girl would bloom like a flower after a summer rain. It was a secret I kept hidden for a long time, but it was the beginning of a journey that would shape my life.

Secret Experimentation

As the initial spark ignited in childhood, the desire to explore femininity grew into a more conscious and deliberate experimentation. During this phase, I begin to actively seek out opportunities to express my feminine side in secret.

As I got older, my fascination with feminine things grew stronger. I'd spend hours alone in my sisters' and mom's rooms after school, trying on their clothes and makeup. The basement was my secret playground, filled with forgotten gowns, dresses and shoes I could use to transform myself.

The more I experimented, the more I craved the experience. The thrill of dressing in feminine clothing, the joy of applying makeup, and the desire to wake up as a girl became an all-consuming passion. However, the societal stigma surrounding this behavior cast a shadow over my experiences. Guilt and shame became constant companions, reminding me of the taboo nature of my desires.

I'd pray at night to wake up as a girl. I became so jealous of the girls in my class, but I knew this was something I had to keep secret. The guilt and shame were always there, but the joy and excitement I felt when I was dressed as a girl were even stronger.

Denial and Purging

As I entered adulthood, the pressures of societal expectations and dating began to weigh heavily on me. The desire to conform to traditional gender roles pushed me to suppress my feminine side, believing I could simply "push it down" and move on.

The military seemed like the perfect environment to bury my feminine desires. The masculine culture and rigorous training promised a cure for what I believed was just a childhood phase. But despite my efforts, the desire to express my femininity persisted. The sight of centerfolds hanging in my locker would ignite feelings of envy and longing, reminding me of the part of myself that I was trying to hide.

As the years moved on fear of rejection and the potential consequences of coming out often led to periods of purging. Whenever my femulating became too prominent or caused conflict in my marriage and family, I would resort to drastic measures, discarding my feminine clothing and accessories. This was a form of self punishment, self flagellation that was meant as penance or a cure. The initial relief from the guilt and shame was temporary, however. The desire to express my femininity would inevitably resurface, leading to a cycle of denial and purging.

Over time, I realized that I could no longer ignore this essential part of myself. The weight of this charade was becoming unbearable. The constant battle between who I was and who others expected me to be was exhausting, a relentless storm raging within. The constant struggle between my true desires and the expectations of others was exhausting and unsustainable. It was time to do something.

Self-Acceptance

After years of internal conflict and external pressures, I finally reached a turning point: self-acceptance. This was a transformative phase where I embraced my true self, acknowledging and celebrating my gender identity and expression.

Around the age of 50, I was at a low point, filled with self-loathing and dissatisfaction with my life. To cope with the anxiety caused by the conflict of identity, I had turned to excessive drinking and overeating as a form of self-medication.

Seeking the guidance of a therapist, I found relief and began to address the underlying issues. I found myself confiding in Dr. D about my need to express my femininity. Just to speak out loud and share the way I was feeling, was amazing I remember that first session where I told him my life story as it related to being transgender.

Talking to a knowledgeable and understanding professional was a profound relief. The weight of years of guilt and shame began to lift as I realized that my feminine side was not a flaw or a burden, but an integral part of who I was.

Through therapy, I came to understand that my femulating was not a selfish or malicious act. It was simply a way of expressing my true self, a part of me that had been hidden for so long. I realized that my feminine side made me a more compassionate, empathetic, and loving person.

Self-acceptance also meant accepting that my wife would never understand or support this part of me. It was a difficult realization, but an essential one. I had to acknowledge that our relationship was built on different foundations, and that she was not capable of understanding my experience.

Accepting this reality was painful, but it was also liberating. It allowed me to focus on my own well-being and pursue my happiness without seeking validation from others. As I continued to heal and grow, I was able to reduce my reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Out and About

One of the most significant milestones in my journey of feminine expression was the decision to go out in public. This step represented a profound shift in my self-perception, as I embraced my femininity in a public setting.

For me, the desire to be seen and validated as a woman was a powerful driving force. The simple act of being addressed as "ma'am" or "Miss" was an incredibly uplifting experience, reinforcing my sense of self-acceptance and belonging.

The initial steps out the door were filled with anxiety and uncertainty. However, once I overcame the fear, the experience was incredibly liberating and empowering. It was a very real demonstration of the internal journey of self-discovery and feminine expression. I was putting all those years of effort into something real.

For me, this phase began over 15 years ago, during my business travels. The anonymity of being away from home provided an opportunity to experiment with public visibility. By carefully building a wardrobe of conservative business attire, I was able to step into the role of "Paula," a confident and stylish woman.

My business trips provided a cloak of anonymity. Checking into hotels as a man, I would go to my room, discreetly opening my carefully packed luggage. Hidden beneath the surface lay a secret world of transformation: a collection of skirts, blouses, dresses, wigs, makeup, lingerie, and shoes, each piece chosen with meticulous care.

With a sense of anticipation, I would begin my transformation. In the early days, fear held me back. I would slip out of the hotel through side entrances, avoiding the main lobby. But as time passed, my courage grew. I ventured out more frequently, taking the elevator, chatting with the hotel staff, and exploring the city. It was a time of exciting freedom, a chance to embrace a side of myself that had long been hidden.

In the hotels, shops, and restaurants near corporate parks across America, Paula flourished. The experience was amazing, affirming my sense of being a woman and allowing me to connect with other people on a deeper level.

Self-Actualization

For many individuals engaged in Femulating, a significant milestone occurs when they achieve a level of comfort and confidence in their feminine presentation. Through the artful application of makeup, the cultivation of refined mannerisms, the careful selection of clothing, and the styling of their hair, these individuals begin to embody a sense of femininity that extends beyond mere appearance.

This phase often marks a turning point, as many femulators decide to publicly embrace their feminine identity. Some may choose to transition and live as women full-time, undergoing medical procedures and legal changes to align their physical appearance and legal status with their inner sense of self. Others may opt for a part-time approach, living and working as women while maintaining certain aspects of their male identity.

Many femulators find fulfillment and a sense of belonging through involvement in community organizations and events. Volunteering at museums, participating in local initiatives, and interacting with others as a woman can provide valuable opportunities for social connection and personal growth.

At this stage, the femulator has achieved a significant level of self-actualization. They have come out to friends and family, asserting their true identity and building supportive relationships. Their comfort and confidence in their feminine presentation allow them to navigate the world with greater ease and authenticity.

Peace and Repose

For many individuals who have engaged in Femulating, a time of peace and tranquility may eventually arrive. After years of exploring their identity and navigating the challenges associated with expressing their true selves, they may reach a point of acceptance and contentment.

This period of repose might be characterized by a reduced desire to actively dress up or present as female. While the memories of past adventures and the joy of living as a woman may remain cherished, other factors such as age, retirement, or health concerns may influence a shift in priorities.

Ultimately, the goal is to achieve a sense of peace and agreement with oneself regarding gender identity. Whether or not one continues to engage in Femulating, the decisions made along the way should be viewed with a sense of contentment and satisfaction.

This phase of life offers an opportunity for reflection and appreciation of the journey taken. It is a time to embrace the lessons learned, the relationships formed, and the personal growth achieved. As individuals look back on their experiences, they may find solace in the knowledge that they have lived authentically and pursued their own path to happiness.

The journey of feminine expression for transgender persons and femulators is a complex and multifaceted one, marked by unique experiences and triumphs. From the initial spark of curiosity to the ultimate goal of self-acceptance and peace, this journey is a testament to the resilience and determination of those who embrace their true selves. By understanding the various phases of this journey and the common experiences faced, we can foster greater empathy, support, and acceptance for individuals navigating their gender identities.

Wearing Elágia

Renato Pozzetto femulating in the 1977 Italian film Gran Bollito (Black Journal).