Acceptance by Women

By Kim

After reading your recent notes about acceptance by women, I thought you might be interested in a perspective a female friend offered some time ago. I don’t know if others will give any credence to her thoughts, but maybe they’ll have some resonance. For context, I’ve dressed all of my life, began to venture out of the house in my 40s and seem to pass very well. My experiences are similar to those of any middle-aged woman.

At the time of the conversation, I was about 50 and had frequent business trips to the city where my friend lived. When possible, we would do typical things two women might do together – have lunch, shop, visit museums. 

Because she sometimes would not be free, however, I wondered how I could meet someone else who would care to spend time with someone like me. To that end I browsed the “women seeking women” section of Match. After looking at a number of profiles, I noticed that many women described themselves as being in their 40s, recently divorced, having children in college or otherwise out of the house, who now were identifying themselves as lesbians. This puzzled me: had they simply denied their desires for most of their lives or was something else going on?

I know what follows below expresses broad generalities, but I think it gives a general spirit of why some women may not only be accepting of us, but actually looking for someone like us.

I asked my friend about these profiles and she said something I never had considered. She explained that many of those women were not lesbians, but in reality, were looking for someone with an inherent and pronounced feminine soul.  

She went on the explain her thinking: many of those women had been married to men with whom they had little to no intimacy – either physically or emotionally. The husband made all of the important decisions without asking for her input. Worse, if she expressed an opinion, he might ridicule or demean her. Their sexual relations were quick and one-sided and the leisure time that they might have spent together as a couple was used instead for the husband’s outings with the boys.

My friend continued: with the kids now out of the house, a woman with this history had the freedom to pursue a very different kind of relationship. And what would she seek in that new relationship? Sharing, genuine sharing, of ideas, feelings, activities, intimacy. A relationship where two people talked about life and supported each other. A relationship where the two partners shared common interests – fashion, cooking, gardening, whatever the case may be,  and spend time together rather than each going their own way. And rather than quick, impersonal sexual relations, she could share intimacy that was more tender and loving.

My friend continued her thoughts by saying that the problem was that many of these women weren’t aware that someone like us existed or if they had some general awareness, it hadn’t occurred to them that someone like us might be a very good match. On one hand, she would have a male “beard” for occasions where she wished to present herself as being in a traditional marriage while at other times, she would have the female partner who fulfilled many of her desires in a relationship.

I met such a woman in my 50s. She had been married twice and those marriages had many of the characteristics described in the Match profiles (we did not meet that way). Although she was not specifically seeking someone like me, she found that my femme persona provided much of what had been missing in her relationships. 

We’ve shared a very full life as two women while I’ve also preserved my male persona for work and other occasions where it is necessary. We were married as two women, we’ve gone on long holidays as two women and as opportunities permit, we have all kinds of other outings together. Our home is tranquil and loving and after nearly two decades of marriage, there’s every indication we’ll continue to live happily ever after.

I don’t know if others will agree with my friend’s perspective or how much generality it might have, but I’ve always thought her insights were worth serious thought. And there you have it.

Wearing Adrianna Papell

Piotr Gawron-Jedlikowski femulated Magdalena Narożna on Polish television’s Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo (Your Face Sounds Familiar).

Click here to view an excerpt of this femulation on YouTube.