This post is to bookend Stana’s recent piece on getting out in public. I have only my own experiences to share, which span decades! Getting out is an adventure if you are ready. To understand my definition of ready, first look at my past post on ambiguity. (Just search my name on this blog). Along with your presentation, you need to be mentally ready as well.
Presentation
You don’t have to be super model perfect, however you must dress to blend in and measure yourself against other women and how they are dressed. This is common sense. I have always believed that dressing with care, appropriately, shows sincerity in who you are and that you wish to be seen as female. That makes you relatable. I certainly made mistakes decades ago by wearing what I wanted rather than what was appropriate. That allowed others to make broad negative judgments about me, (which I deserved!). The more refined my presentation became, the more acceptance was easy and eventually welcomed.
Location
Stana is correct, the mall has been an easy choice for getting out. However, it can be where (sometimes), rude teens might embarrass you. The retailers will be glad to help you, and they have seen ambiguity before. Other safe spots that are fun are museums, art galleries, lectures, large events with adults focused on a historical event or one of your other interests. Airports, busy downtowns (in the daytime), theaters, wine tastings and nice restaurants are easy as well. I can’t begin to list all the fun interactions I have had with fellow diners at nice establishments. However, after hours is when women want to be safe. I was out with a girlfriend at the Temple of Arts in Arizona, and after this bad play ended, we agreed that we would both walk a good distance to her car together, and she would drive me over to mine. Just in case, always be smart!
I have dined alone or with a friend more times than I can count. I have had such fun with the wait staff, the people at the table next to me, or the couple sitting at the bar. I have never ever, gone anywhere that might in any way spell trouble; or any place my mother wouldn’t go.
Mental Preparation
Early in my getting out, I found I was just nervous enough, that I was not focused on what was going on around me. I missed things in this fog. Worried about who might be looking at me, I couldn’t enjoy the place I worked so hard to get to. My driving was also distracted, and I often made dumb mistakes,wrong turns, or parking errors and didn’t watch my speed. I earned a speeding ticket once.
This fog went away with practice but took time. You too may not be at your best on your early ventures out. So, anticipate this. In time, with care, sincerity, and practice at the right venues, you can begin to enjoy seeing the world through a relaxed feminine lens, make friends, enjoy life.
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| Wearing ModCloth |
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| Another Modern Couple |
Just wanted to thank Tami Knight for today's column. The part about dressing to blend in is so important for those of us who want to venture outside the closet.
ReplyDeleteHugs, JJ
Well written common sense post! Thanks for sharing your truths!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments, as well as Stana's and other guests, but the biggest hurdle is overcoming decades of rejection and negativity. The political climate is not encouraging, more so with the new Speaker of The House of Representatives. It seems the forces of oppression are ever more present and ready to pounce. Look at the plight of Jews and Muslims. When I venture outside the mental safety of the four walls of my home I do meet the criteria of Presentation and Location; evening walks in a safe neighborhood attired in dress and heels, but the interaction with fellow humans? That's a struggle.
ReplyDeleteGreat Column Tami --When I'm out in public, I follow the "one up" rule—dressing a bit nicer than the venue requires. For casual places like supermarkets, where many wear sweatpants, I opt for nice slacks or jeans paired with a stylish top, light makeup, and modest jewelry. For places like museums, lectures, or the mall, I elevate my attire with a skirt or tailored slacks and a nice blouse. If it's a professional setting, like the bank, a skirt suit tends to command respect. It's about projecting an image that fosters respect. Maintaining a degree of ambiguity in appearance allows others to naturally categorize and proceed to understand who you are and what you want in their social context. Paula G
ReplyDeletePaula, I absolutely agree. If we are perceived as competent and capable women going about our days, i.e. the bank, the grocery store, the MVA, post office, we become less threatening and less “other.”
DeleteI try to be the best version of myself and try to be a good ambassador for the sisterhood of TG women and femulators more generally.
When gay and lesbian people began to come out in large numbers, it became harder to hate and fear them; your sister,
your attorney, your accountant,
and your auto mechanic might all be homosexual.
Great post - especially about the fog and related to driving. No issues here, but you have to be prepared for it. I've come to notice that not only do most people ignore you outside your vehicle, they also tend not to look at you when you are in it. One interesting story about the car: New Jersey will pump your gas and the attendant was very kind and sweet to me and calling me ma'am, etc. Then he asked to see my license to verify my credit card and the smile and friendliness was switched off like a light. But that was his problem, not mine!!!
ReplyDeleteI love reading all these stories about going out enfemme in the real world...especially the discussions on what to wear! Unfortunately today I'm having the opposite dilemma: I'm working from home and alone, so I'm enjoying my at-home office attire of cashmere sweater, pencil skirt, hose & heels. Tonight is my office holiday party and instead of deciding what festive feminine outfit to wear, I've got to change out of these pretty clothes into boring drab wear😕 But the thought of what I would wear if I could has been a wonderful Friday distraction🥰
ReplyDeleteThank you so so so much for Another Modern Couple.
ReplyDelete𝓥𝓮𝓻𝓪 𝓠