Been there, done that so often that I have absolutely no fear about going out anywhere en femme once I overcame the one big fear I had when I went out: encounters with men.
I had no trouble mixing it up with females, but I avoided males whenever possible. In general, I think females (except those who may be “family”) are more accepting of transwoman than males.
When I encounter females when I am out en femme, some may not figure me out and as a result, they just treat me like another female. Those who do figure me out seem to respect my desire to be a on their team and they also treat me like another female. I can count on one hand the negative encounters I have had with females when I am en femme.
Males are something else altogether. I worried how males would react if they figured me out when I was out en femme. I did not want to find out the hard way, so I avoided males. On the other hand, it is impossible to avoid all encounters with males and I can truly say that I cannot recall any negative encounters with the males I could not avoid, but I still continued to avoid them whenever I could.
Visiting New York City for four days en femme in June 2009, I realized that it would be difficult to avoid the millions of males that populate Manhattan. I overcame the problem the very first evening I was in the Big Apple.
I had checked into my hotel and had changed into female mode for a night out with some local acquaintances. While I was waiting to go out, I was adjusting the thermostat in my hotel room and managed to knock out the air conditioning. It was warm and I did not want to be without AC, so I called the front desk and they said they would send up a repairmen.
In the past, I would have gotten back into boy mode as quickly as I could so I would not have to face the repairman en femme, but that evening, I decided that the repairman would not be the last male I would encounter during my NYC visit, so I remained en femme.
The repairman arrived, reset the AC and was out the door in less than two minutes. He was pleasant and interacted with me as if nothing was amiss (other than the AC).
That interaction with the repairman set the tone for the rest of my stay in NYC as well as the rest of my stay on the planet Earth. I no longer fear encounters with males and I stopped avoiding them.
During my stay in NYC, I had no negative encounters with males. In fact, I had some positive encounters. Two males addressed me as “hon” (as in short for “honey”). And another male blew me a kiss while I was shopping in Sephora. And you know you’re onto something when a squad car full on NYC policemen check you out as you cross Sixth Avenue in Times Square wearing a dress and heels!
Those positive encounters convinced me that I was successfully passing as a female some of the time (and if you can make it as a female in New York City, you can make it as a female anywhere). My confidence was at an all-time high and has remained at that level ever since.
I had no trouble mixing it up with females, but I avoided males whenever possible. In general, I think females (except those who may be “family”) are more accepting of transwoman than males.
When I encounter females when I am out en femme, some may not figure me out and as a result, they just treat me like another female. Those who do figure me out seem to respect my desire to be a on their team and they also treat me like another female. I can count on one hand the negative encounters I have had with females when I am en femme.
Males are something else altogether. I worried how males would react if they figured me out when I was out en femme. I did not want to find out the hard way, so I avoided males. On the other hand, it is impossible to avoid all encounters with males and I can truly say that I cannot recall any negative encounters with the males I could not avoid, but I still continued to avoid them whenever I could.
Visiting New York City for four days en femme in June 2009, I realized that it would be difficult to avoid the millions of males that populate Manhattan. I overcame the problem the very first evening I was in the Big Apple.
I had checked into my hotel and had changed into female mode for a night out with some local acquaintances. While I was waiting to go out, I was adjusting the thermostat in my hotel room and managed to knock out the air conditioning. It was warm and I did not want to be without AC, so I called the front desk and they said they would send up a repairmen.
In the past, I would have gotten back into boy mode as quickly as I could so I would not have to face the repairman en femme, but that evening, I decided that the repairman would not be the last male I would encounter during my NYC visit, so I remained en femme.
The repairman arrived, reset the AC and was out the door in less than two minutes. He was pleasant and interacted with me as if nothing was amiss (other than the AC).
That interaction with the repairman set the tone for the rest of my stay in NYC as well as the rest of my stay on the planet Earth. I no longer fear encounters with males and I stopped avoiding them.
During my stay in NYC, I had no negative encounters with males. In fact, I had some positive encounters. Two males addressed me as “hon” (as in short for “honey”). And another male blew me a kiss while I was shopping in Sephora. And you know you’re onto something when a squad car full on NYC policemen check you out as you cross Sixth Avenue in Times Square wearing a dress and heels!
Those positive encounters convinced me that I was successfully passing as a female some of the time (and if you can make it as a female in New York City, you can make it as a female anywhere). My confidence was at an all-time high and has remained at that level ever since.
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| Wearing Chicwish |
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| Bruno Sanches and Alex Lutz femulating on French television’s La revue et presse de Catherine et Liliane. |
We want to look good enough to attract male attention even if we do not want it
ReplyDeleteLucy
My trial-by-fire was when I had a tire blow out after an afternoon outing as Meg. It was almost 100 degrees out and I did NOT want to ruin my dress with grease so I called the service the insurance company paid for. As I recall, it took a couple of hours for an, of course, man to arrive and in the meantime I was also concerned some well-meaning male would stop and offer to help and feel cheated or worse because I wasn't the woman he thought I was. That didn't happen, and I walked around near the car on-and-off to stretch my legs during that time.
ReplyDeleteOh... the tire fixed never treated me as anything but a damsel in distress. I signed the work order with an unintelligible scrawl.
Stana-- I realize from your post today that I unconsciously avoided men when going places. I'll have to take sometime and think about my interactions with men while out as a woman.
ReplyDeleteThat being said it is common for women to be homo-social generally having mostly female friends.
There is also the whole tangle of my own sexuality, which I have not totally worked out with myself.
Thanks for some insightful writing ---Paula G
I was so fortunate when initially the women who helped me into the world were mostly all (family) or lesbians and I ended up marrying one eleven years later.
ReplyDeleteFrom news reports I've read over the years it seems most negative encounters for gay men and transwomen are with groups of young adult males. It has been shown that a group of non-accepting males will do what none of them would do individually; group behavior. In our current political environment I think this negativity of group behavior extends to women when it comes to drag story time, bathroom laws and trans athletes in school. Community meetings seem to go wild with hatred. My personal observations over my seven decades + over the years is women do not see interactions with gay men or transwomen with sexual tension. Straight men seem to believe their masculinity is being. challenged with interactions with gay men or transwomen. Havinggrown up in NYC I think you have to pick and choose where and when your interactions will occur.
ReplyDeleteStana, Again you’ve hit a nail on the head. My en femme interactions with other women are much as you and others have described – I’m treated as another member of the sorority and that is so gratifying. Likewise I used to dread – and avoid if possible – interactions with males, since I really did not know how to act with them. Now that I am out and about most of the time, I’ve found that men politely treat me as a woman – helping me in the hardware store, holding the door for me, and giving the occasional compliment on my clothes. [It’s kinda nice when these things happen ;-) ] As a confirmed lesbian, if there are any sexual overtones I either don’t see them, or ignore them.
ReplyDeleteStana,
ReplyDeleteI relate to this! I always feel like avoiding men is safer. Though, I have had no negative experiences directly. I have had construction workers stare at me longer than most would. Once a guy whistled across the parking lot in what I think was sarcastic mockery. But, I have also had men try to treat me kindly. I have had one man awkwardly try to compliment my dress. Once two men walked past me on a bright sunny day. They had on sunglasses. I had on a red dress. They were talking. As they passed me, one said, "Nice dress."
As someone I appreciates says, "and so it goes..."
I suppose the best endorsement I ever had as a part-time woman occurred one day when I was having lunch with several of my running buddies. It was the first time most of them had met me as Rachel.
ReplyDeleteOne of them said, "Damn. If I met you in a bar and didn't know it was you, I'd probably hit on you."