You are out en femme and everything is going well. No one has addressed you as “Sir” and the competition (cisgender females) smile at you in a pleasant manner as opposed to a smirk that says “I know what you are.” But your gremlin just won’t leave well enough alone.
My gremlin showed up at lunch on Halloween when it compelled me to ask my waitress about my Halloween costume. She was clueless and until my gremlin butted in, she thought I was a cisgender female. That satisfied my gremlin, but I was a little miffed that my gremlin outed me. Especially since I thought I looked spectacular in my new wig and dress.
There are a lot of passing deniers* out there (I’m one myself). But whether we admit it or not, passing is always on our minds to some degree, so it is nice to find out when we do pass to build our confidence. But to do so requires us to out ourselves and when we do that, we just blew our cover!
Unlike us, gender is not constantly on the minds of civilians we encounter. We present as female, they see us as female, accept us female and all is well unless we do something to change their minds (“Where’s the men’s room?”).
Our choices are to never know what civilians think or find out by outing yourself. I have been trying to control my gremlin all my femulating life – I succeed most of the time, but sometimes my gremlin overpowers me.
On the brighter side, I usually find out that I was passing successfully when the gremlin does its thing. This should be a lesson to me: my report card usually gets a passing grade, so I should just assume that I always pass and forget about it.
* Girls like us who reject the belief that passing is important.
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| Wearing Cynthia Rowley |
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| A mid-20th Century womanless beauty pageant. (Miss 14 gets my vote.) |
I wish I had your gremlin Stana.
ReplyDeleteLauren
Does that mean there's Passing Sceptics as well? 🙂
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear your gremlin grabbed the wheel for a moment. It's not great when that happens.
Passing, IMO, is complex and very personal. For some it's a privilege (luck of the genetic dice) or a lot of hard work. For others, it may be a safety issue and maybe there's an element of being the best you can with what you have.
I'm not sure I'd deny passing - although others are free to do so - but I do think it's a stick we often beat ourselves with.
14 is definitely not a civilian and a good pic as to being the winner, however I believe most of these ladies here have been in listed for many years and are not civilians
ReplyDeleteToo much attention to the feminine details
That gremlin is alive in all of us, if you do a search here on formulate for passing you will notice that there have been countless articles about the subject all well received an interested by the family community
ReplyDeleteTo hear the words “Thank you, Ma’am” ― isn’t that the “validation” we seek? How about being accepted, endorsed, or perceived as a woman?
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I’m seeking when my heels tap the floor as I walk thru a hotel lobby. I want people to recognize that a woman is walking by. I want them to see a woman, to recognize me for what I am deep down inside: a woman.
Yes, Ma’am, that’s it! Paula G
Yes! I can live off of a passing comment (pun intended) of "Yes ma'am" or "Pardon me, ma'am" for days.
DeleteIt is amazing how easy it is to “pass”.If the visual is correct (no need to be perfect) and the attitude is confident. The world sees and believes their eyes. I work 4-5 hours at a lingerie store 2-3 times a week and have yet to even see a double take. Confidence is the key and if you display that, you own your presentation. Natural females come in all sizes and shapes just as males. So the handicap is not the visual but walking with your head down, trying to hide, or not owing your femininity..
ReplyDeleteAfter being ma’am for the un-teenth time at our weekly lunch place, my daughter told me to stop correcting them and just” own it”. She is right. We are what the world sees us to be. No “*” needed. Banish the gremlin.
Rhonda,
DeleteWhen in boy-mode, I wear clothing that's a bit out of the ordinary. My family is from the South. The DC I grew up in had A/C some places and some places that didn't. Men wore poplin, pincord, and seersucker suits in the summer to stay cool.
Before the world went from business attire, to business casual, to "meh whatever," DC joined NYC and other cities on the east coast as the charcoal grey, navy, and black suit capitol of the US. I never succumbed either to wearing dark suits during the hot, humid weather we endure from July to early September or to slovenly attire for the office. Before I retired a few years ago, I wore light colored poplin, pincord, and seersucker suits, often with a skimmer or planter's hat.
The key, as you said is TO OWN THE LOOK. If you wear it confidently, who cares what others think? The same goes with my presentation as Rachel. I suppose I "pass," but that's less important to me than being appropriately dressed for the occasion. I'm with Stana though, if in doubt, overdress.
Wonderful perceptual comments. Was in London twice this year and was actually disappointed, nay dismayed, that no one took a blind bit of notice. I don't dress to attract attention but I am I believe I am fairly attractive. In the evening had lovely comment from mostly ladies, when was sat in bars or once at the West End theatre. Mind you, that's London, or should I say now Britain. I was walking along Princes St. (in Edinburgh) one Sunday morning early. Coming towards me was the "Naked Walker". A man whom was walking around the U.K., you've guessed it. As we passed, I just said , good morning!
ReplyDeleteCarolyn
DeleteAre you sure you want to be noticed?
The more people notice you, the closer they will look at you and read you
Lucy
The ego is stroked when we pass. Yet we must out ourselves to have that itch soothed.
ReplyDeleteAngel Amore
There's a line, sometimes fine and sometimes quite broad, between the desire to completely pass (be accepted for who we are/wish to be) and the alternately exhilarating and terrifying need to be found out for having broken a taboo. There is a kind of joy to be found in shocking others and failing to obtain the reaction can cause us to force the issue.
ReplyDeletejust don't understand why we should feel an obligation to divulge our true gender with the exception being that someone wanted us to engage as a "couple" . even there we can just say no. sometimes I become engaged in lengthy conversations and
ReplyDeletemy dragging out the gender matter would only lead to anger. I understand where others are coming from but I have had some encounters that led to subsequent meet ups. why throw that away when you could further enjoy the female experience? emily
Gremlin? I think Rhonda has nailed it for me. I’m out and about most every day – especially if there is shopping to do – and simply don’t give a thought to being read. (Admittedly I do try to look as good as I can.) Just being one of the girls – and others (especially other women) treat me that way. Whether they think I’m just another female, or a guy who is gender gifted, it works for me. But there are times when ”passing” is important– using the ladies’ room, or changing rooms in the ladies’ department. I really don’t want to make others uncomfortable.
ReplyDelete... and Paula nailed it for me too
DeleteI'm glad to see I'm not the only one with this nagging question hanging over my head. It is VERY tempting to question ladies who seem to accept me as One Of Them. I had an encounter with a man outside of Wal*Mart recently - he complimented me on my outfit, then asked if I was a cross dresser. (sigh) But he is ALSO a cross dresser, so I felt free to ask him what my "tells" were. It was helpful!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeletethe gremlin indeed. As Stana has laid out, it is a dilemma. To be noticed for one's presentation and style, not for being a "trannie". In practice it is of course both. I like to be noticed for my presentation first then, being a crossdresser is less important thereafter. Some girls once crossed the street to tell me I "looked fabulous"!