Home alone, I was trying on Mom’s clothing when I heard the garage door open – Mom had returned from shopping much earlier than I expected.
I had some time to switch from girl mode to boy mode because we had a manually operated garage door, which meant that my mother had to open the garage door, walk back to the car, drive the car into the garage, get out of the car, close the garage door, then gather up whatever she had purchased and carry it upstairs (the garage was under the house).
I managed to switch modes and return Mom’s wardrobe to its original state before she climbed upstairs to our living quarters. I was pretty pleased with myself because I had dodged the bullet. But a few minutes later, after Mom entered her bedroom, she asked, “Stanley – why are my shoes out?”
Nuts! I forgot to put her high heels back in her closet!
I had to think fast. Back then, I was drawing a lot – a cartoonist in the making – so my very lame excuse was that I borrowed her shoes because I was drawing shoes and I needed a model.
She bought it and I was very relieved. But years later, I discovered that she knew about my crossdressing and I imagine that the high heel episode was just more evidence of my secret.
Mom never confronted me about my crossdressing, although on countless occasions she asked, “Is there anything you want to tell me?”
I realize now that she was reaching out to me, but I was a clueless idiot and always said, “No,” which I will regret forever.
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| Wearing Figue |
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| Crossdressing couple, circa 1910 |
I think coming out is one of the most difficult things we have to do. As a child, the balance of power, if you will, well... the stakes are such that who wouldn't worry if a parent reacted negatively. Our fears are often unfounded, but they can force us to hide.
ReplyDeleteAs a parent myself, I promised myself that if any of our children were LGBTQ+, I would love and accept them, because that's what kids need. It's what I needed when I was their age.
Your mum sounds a lovely lady. I'm sure she'd be proud of you.
I often wonder how my mother would have reacted -- but what I know of her attitudes about many subjects I don't think she would have been open and accepting.
ReplyDeleteRe: The Crossdressing Couple - I realize the photo is old and not a high quality image, but it looks like she just put on his coat and hat while he has gone all out. Isn;t that usually how this works? When my wife and I went out to a drag club, they had a "no cover charge if you're in drag" policy. Which meant she put on my coat and tie with her shirt and trousers, while I was padded, wigged, make-up'ed and wearing 5 inch pumps. Is THIS why women in men's clothes doesn't even get a blink in our society?
Stana, nothing is more relatable than crossdressing stories and almost being caught by mom. There have been many times I have had to panically put back clothing (putting it JUST the way it was) to escape being caught. I can still remember my heart beating so fast.
ReplyDeleteMy mom never caught me "in the act" but she did find a skirt I was keeping in my closet in a piece of luggage (my hiding place). I noticed one day that it was gone. She had found it. She never asked me about it. There were a couple of other incidents like that but she never put my on the spot. I would have been mortified. I have always wondered what her perspective on that was.
My mom is 85 years old and I am frequently tempted to tell her about my beloved self-expression. She knows I was an exceptionally “sensitive” boy, and it led to getting picked on by my older brother and lots of other boys at school who felt threatened by my lack of masculine convention. When I started wearing her clothes and those of my older sister, I was very careful to return things exactly the way I found them. There was never a confrontation so I think I got away with it. Like you, Stana, I credit my mother with my sense of feminine style. During my teen years she always wore stylish skirts and blouses with pantyhose and heels, which is precisely the way I love to present myself.
ReplyDeleteI decided not to tell my mom for several reasons. One, I think she would feel like there was more she could have done to make me feel like less of a freak if she had known. Two, she would worry about the danger my self-expression poses to my safety, as one never knows what kind of violent person one may encounter when out en femme. All in all, she would feel guilty and worry about me. I will spare her that.
My sister, on the other hand, is another story. She is not good at keeping secrets, particularly juicy ones like this. It would eventually leak to my mother, my wife, and my children. I’m not sure she would appreciate my admission that I enjoyed wearing her clothes, Much as I would love to reminisce with her about a few very specific blouses, skirts and dresses in her wardrobe that I loved, I don’t think she would feel so good about it. She worked as a bank teller in those days, and was required to wear skirts every day. She’d come home and I’d hear her shout “ I can’t wait to get out of this stupid skirt!” Little did she know I would have gladly put it on and played “sisters” with her!
DeleteMy parents are about the same age. I don't know if I'll spill the beans when I see them this week.
DeleteI will be seeing my Mom and Dad in two days. They've seen photographic evidence of my escapades but I don't know if they "know" about me. My Dad wouldn't remember what he sees today in the future. My Mom may have an inkling since I've joked about "us girls" when my kids and I went out.
ReplyDeleteThe big adventure might be flying from Vegas to Bradley. I'm strongly considering wearing a dress for the trip out and back.
I'll keep y'all posted!
Heather
there is more to telling Mom and that is if Dad is in the picture he is going to find out.in my case NO WAY!--emily
ReplyDeleteI remember standing in the bathroom in my sister's clothes and hearing my mother's car pull up...sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone to meet her.
ReplyDeleteI dreamed about that too. My mom and sister mixed and matched outfits from each other’s wardrobes. It was always compliments galore between them—so stylish! So pretty! So feminine! How I wanted to get in on that!
DeleteAs a teenager in the mid 1960's the only access to feminine clothes was my mother's. I did not have a sister or female cousins. I know I was found out because I had snapped one of the straps on my mother's sole black bra. Back then stretchable material had not yet been invented. I was terrified but never confronted. My parents were homophobic. They tried to catch me wearing her clothing. Except for the security chain stopping the apartment door from opening and holding against my father's attempt to break it, I would have been discovered. I had just graduated high school. Instead of going to college for the fall semester I am positive I would have been booted out of the apartment.
ReplyDeletegrowing-up in the 1950s, that there was a closely guarded family secret, that only my mom, grandma, and aunt knew, that when the Doctor told my mom, that she would probably never have another child, from her perspective, never get her daughter, that she desperately wanted, according to my aunt. her sister, she fell into a deep depression. what brought her out of it was, that I became her secret daughter. My late father was a rather rough, WW2 veteran, and would have never accepted it. This was a closely guarded family secret, that only started coming to light, through my mom, grandma, aunt, and dad's brother, before they passed. I am trying come-to-grips with that part of my life, through REAL SIMILAR STORIES, and REAL, NOT MANIPULATED PHOTOS of REAL BOYS, that were given the opportunities, to experience their feminine side, encouraged by their mom's, grandma's, etc. that was forbidden by societal norms, for boys. My loving mom, taught me most of the skills. that most moms teach their daughters. According to tests, my 70% feminine side, has always been with me, and still is. thank you,
ReplyDeleteElijan48
I would so much like to be part of, and follow-up with your group. A family secret, that was closely held between my late mom, her sister, my grandma, and trusted female relatives, was kept from me my whole life. All these females told me things during my childhood, and I had many dreams about these same occurrences, and both my Aunt, and Grandma told about Mom's severe depression, being told she would never be able to have another child, this meant, that she could never have, what she wanted most, a daughter. I was born in 1948, not her precious daughter, and that is when the depression set-in. I was tiny, blond, curly hair, so what brought mom out of her depression, finally revealed before almost all of my relatives passed-away was, I was her secret daughter, a secret kept from my dad and other male relatives, from age 4 - elementary school. My last male relative, dad's brother confirmed everything. I know there had to have been many photos taken, for somehow, all evidence disappeared. Mom taught me all the skills that mothers teach their daughters, and I will be forever grateful. Thank you for what you are doing, and I hope other loving mothers would share photos of their prescious sons