Those were the dark ages and there was nowhere to go to find out why. Asking my parents was not an option. Our encyclopedia had one foreboding sentence defining “transvestite,” without any explanation as to its cause (I figured they didn’t know either).
Maybe I was a homosexual, but I discarded that notion because I had no interest in boys and was definitely interested in girls.
Over the years, I came up with a number of theories.
- Although I was very interested in girls, I did not know how to interact with them for the purpose of dating. Did I become my own girlfriend due to my lack of success in dating? (http://www.femulate.org/2017/10/i-am-my-own-girlfriend.html)
- I have female-like breasts. Gynecomastia is the result of a hormone imbalance between estrogen and androgen and that imbalance causes other feminine traits to occur. I have always been a feminine male in my speech, mannerisms, etc. Dressing as a woman is such a perfect fit that femulating as often as possible became an attractive pursuit. (http://www.femulate.org/2017/10/why-i-am-way-i-am-maybe.html)
- I was a woman in my past life/lives. As a young child, I had many dreams that in retrospect, indicated to me that I had at least one previous life and that I was a woman in that life. Switching to the male gender in this life was not a clean transition and many female characteristics have carried over. (http://www.femulate.org/2016/12/in-cards.html)
- All of the above (or none of the above).
Does it matter? It would be nice to know, but it does not really matter. I am what I am. It has not always been easy, but it sure has been interesting!
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| Wearing Venus |
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| Femulate reader, Gloria, formerly of Mardi Gras Hotel, Blackpool, England |
Were you (like me) a DES baby? Trans is more prevalent among DES babies.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as for the "past life" thing, when my ex suggested that, I said "maybe I'm practicing for my _next_ life!" Taken that way, I'm working hard to be ready to be the best girl I can be.
Maybe. Mom had a miscarriage before she had me, so it is possible that she was taking DES. There are no records to indicate one way or the other and she passed away long before I was aware of DES babies, so I did not ask her.
DeleteMORE ON DES
DeleteIT IS PROBABLE THAT YOU TOO INGESTED DES VIA LIVESTOCK
U.S. Food and Drug Administration banned DES as a growth stimulant for chickens after high DES levels in poultry produced side effects, such as male breast growth in humans. ... Poultry producers fought the ban until finally in 1966 it was upheld in court. It was years later until DES was banned for use in cattle.
https://desaction.org/des-timeline/
VELMA
You are so right Stana, why we are the way we are doesn't really matter. What is more important, is how we deal with it. Like you, I have embraced my inner woman and consider her an equal partner in my overall personality. Letting Sally express herself out in the world has made me happy and fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I started to have the desire to femulate at about the same age as you. Not because I was transgender (though I wondered at the time), but because I felt that life would be easier if I were a girl. Boys my age were expected to be tough, to fight, and to excel at sports, all things I could not do. Girls were not. In addition, I was rapidly becoming very interested in women's bodies, but as a nerdy middle school student, the idea of a woman allowing me to see, let alone touch her body seemed pure fantasy. I thought that if I were a girl, I would not be expected to play sports or fight, and that I could have constant access to boobies, even if they were my own. I would often fantasize about scenarios where I'd end up stuck in a female role and have no choice but to live that way. I wonder if any other femulators have had similar experiences?
ReplyDeleteWanting to know why?
ReplyDeleteI often get shouted down when asking this question in online Transgender forums.
I think it does matter, it helps us understand what we are going through, why am I different than other men and women?
As for the dating part, I was the same way. With some modesty, I’ll say that I was a handsome lad, but because I had a negative self-image, I didn’t like my male body, I lacked confidence to pursue girls. The flirtatious interaction between male-female was off, I had so many girls who were friends. I had no trouble talking with them. But looking back I never responded to the signals they were sending. Why because my natural instincts are female.
I talked about this in an article in Femulate
“I was very good at making friends with and talking with women, but I would never close the deal so to speak. This happened all the time, talking, flirting, nothing. I never would make a move, ask her out, hold her hand or kiss her. Looking back now, I believe it was due to my instinct as a female deep down inside. I just didn’t get the male-female mating ritual. I wasn’t programed like the other guys.
I could list several examples, but for sake of brevity let me tell one. I worked in a communications control center and on days off, I would head to Shenandoah National Park where I would camp and hike. I worked with Rita, a girl from upstate New York who also loved the outdoors. We hit it off well and talked about camping, hiking and kayaking in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I missed all the clues that she was sending because I was surprised to see her ride up to the campsite on her motorcycle. Long story short, dinner, a few beers by the campfire and lights out in the tent with her on one side and me, the gentlemen on the other. This is how oblivious I was! It never dawned on me she was there to hook up. A few months later, she asked why I hadn’t done anything that night. My answer “I dunno” and I really didn’t know.”
Now why my instincts are female I don’t know .
I can recall several similar 'failed encounters'.
DeleteIn my own recollections of my upbringing (after reading a lot of books on developmental psychology) was a conflicting saga of 'be nice'--from Mom, and 'be a badass'--do sports, ect..--from the OM.
Oh, YEAH, and there was the CHURCH, with its own conflicting messages on sex, aggression, peace, ect...
And then there was POVERTY, -- without any financial means to participate socially.
Basically such conflicting invocations leave Junior a depressed, confused boy-child.
For the most part- you are 'stuck' and 'f----d' in a haze of 'standing on the OUTSIDE, looking, longingly wanting to participate on the INSIDE-- socially interacting, like 'all the big kids of your own age', and you feel forbidden by all the subconscious conflicting messages from childhood to participate.
There also seems to be fine line 'aggression' and 'social assertiveness',
and most persons 'just dont get it'.
Oh, and then there are the FEMALE sufferers of THE SAME PHENOM-- just on the opposing side of the coin. There are TONS of stories about women who go their churches repressive 'PURITY PLEDGE' rituals, only to suffer dysfunction on a massive scale later in adulthood.
Dating for the 'late bloomer' leaves both sexes some 'slim and repressed' 'pickins'. Both parties often are lonely as hell, but neither knows 'when (and sometimes how) to jump'... and explore their repressed sexual and social development. Thank heaven for ALCOHOL ;-) !!
Repression of the 'progression of natural, timely developmental social and sexual behaviors is the cause a majority of societies sexual problems.
I suggest you read Dr. John Money "Lovemaps" etal...
Velma
Consider yourself lucky that you didn't make a move on her, Paula. Given the current temper of the times, she would likely have come out of the woodwork after all these years, claimed that the sex was non-consensual at the time, dragged your name through the mud, possibly tried to file criminal charges against you, and at the very least, set the rabid social media mob upon you.
DeleteWhy. That's the biggest 3 letter word I know! I used to justify my crossdressing by telling myself I only do it to satisfy my desire to see beautifully dressed women, that if more women dressed in a feminine manner (i.e. dresses, heels, hose) I wouldn't need to substitute myself as those women I admire. But it turns out the more well-dressed women I see, the more outfits I want to add to my wardrobe.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, when I'm enhomme, I'm 100% atttacted to women. But when I'm enfemme, it's like a switch flips and I find myself attracted to men and wanting to act on my desire for them. I used to think that was solely because I wanted to fully experience all aspects of life as a woman, including sexual relationships. But recently I read that perhaps crossdressing gives me the "permission" to be attracted to men that I'm unable to do as a man. Something to consider more...
Regardless of my "why", I do know that when I'm dressed enfemme, I'm better able to be present to the things around me at that moment, like the way each item of clothing feels against my skin, enjoying it fully and not thinking of the future, as I know my times enfemme are sporadic and each must be savored. It's almost like a form of meditation.
Ciao! Elise
AS LONG AS WE ARE DISCUSSING 'WHY'...
ReplyDeleteWHO WANTS 'OUT' as in discontinuing this behavior, not as in 'the OTHER 'OUT"?
Velma
I would like to see this discussion continue...
The WHY is that hormones are very powerful in what they do to our minds and bodies.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time I went to talk to a psychologist in the 90's about my crossdressing "issues". His diagnosis was along the my wanting to create my own girl friend line, but that just didn't ring true with me. Even though he was supportive and we talked about GRS, I felt that this wasn't for me. The whole concept of transitioning wasn't really discussed. It was way too scary.
ReplyDeleteI’m done being concerned about why I like to wear these delightful clothes. Why do women like to wear them? More precisely, why do some women love them, some women hate them, and the majority wear them when the circumstances demand it but are otherwise more comfortable in pants. Women are not born wanting to be pretty but socialized to feel that way with reinforcement through compliments . Why can’t men have a variety of feelings around embracing this thing we call “women’s clothes”. Really they’re just a bunch of products purchased at retail and a set of techniques for applying them.There was a time when someone went out for the first time with blue hair or visible tattoos or a lip piercing. Eventually people stopped being shocked. I refuse to comply with this arbitrary rule that men don’t wear lovely dresses because nothing makes me happier than feeling pretty, graceful and feminine in a soft delicate dress!
ReplyDeleteCONGRATULATIONS on your ranking! You deserve it! And the photo of you in that white outfit is awesome.
ReplyDelete