My Costume

By Lisa

I am wearing a costume today and I am not pretending to be my friend Kandi (the actress!) either! I am telling the truth, however, because I have been wearing a costume almost every day of my life. It is wonderful on those extended hours, days and weeks where I don’t have to put it on, but most of the time it is required for the “role” I play of being husband, father, grandfather, colleague and all around “good guy.” How about you? Are you wearing a costume today?

The problem with my costume is that it doesn’t enliven my senses. There is a reason our community has nicknamed this type of costume “drab” – compared to who we are, it is dull and boring and it robs us of choice. Even the choice to be drab is denied to us (thank you, Ralph Lauren for your attempt to be boring).

So what drab thing will you wear today: the black, brown or blue pants? What else: the blue shirt with black stripes, the blue shirt with red stripes or the blue shirt with no stripes? How about your shoes: brown loafers, gray tennis shoes or black oxfords? Will you have a tie with that order: maybe a red one with blue stripes or a blue one with red stripes or the solid red one? Are you looking for variety in your underwear today: you can change from boxers to briefs as long as they are dark colored or white and have a pouch at the front to give your mechanical gear extra room. Maybe top it all off with a dark hat and dark belt. Pretty boring stuff unless you cock your hat just right!

One of my theories is that I realized I was transgender at eight years old because that is when I understood just how boring my “whitey-tighty” world had become in terms of clothing (see drab examples above), emotions (best to have none), activities (relating to sports, technology or cars only, please), etc. I internalized a lot of my unhappiness with that box, but I also tentatively pushed back when I thought it was safe to do so by asking for more: more colors, more hand and facial expressions, more interests (including art, music and dance), more feelings and more intuition.

One way I have gotten more is to come up with some actual Halloween-style costumes (although I created them for myself just for fun and not for a specific event). In one, I decided I wanted to recreate a 1950’s “sock hop” theme; in the other, the look and feel of a flight attendant. The latter was fun because folks seemed to accept me as a recently arriving flight attendant!

Today, I push back big time. I want it all because being feminine makes me feel so gloriously and fully alive (like sunlight hitting water droplets after a rainfall and separating me into a brilliant display of color...)  

I must face certain facts, however, when it comes to wanting it all.  Even if I transitioned, I wouldn’t actually have it all. I would still need to be costumed in some ways. 

For example, I was blessed (or cursed, depending on one’s perspective) with a deep bass voice. Lisa doesn’t want that voice, so I must consciously employ my Lisa voice every time I speak as Lisa. Occasionally, I will slip up (especially when I need to shout, clear my voice or cough involuntarily); and when that happens, it feels (and sounds) ugly. There is a surgery to change one’s vocal cords, but I love to sing, and I just couldn’t bear to risk having to give that up. Doing that would make “me” a lesser me, not more.

Another example is my flat chest and built-in plumbing. I could have surgery to take care of both of those things and simulate the look that I crave, but my breasts still largely would be made of silicone – inside instead of outside (a hidden part of the costume wardrobe, but part of the costume nonetheless) and my plumbing would look, but not work like it should. Not to mention the fact that I only want to make love to one person: my wife, who doesn’t want to deal with any plumbing other than the type she is attracted to and fits with her plumbing (i.e., she is a straight cis-gender woman).

I hope I am not stepping on anyone else’s toes here or giving “too much information.” Please take the above comments as my own feelings – this stuff is pretty darn personal and many will feel differently. On the other hand, you may have some examples of your own of costumes or parts of costumes that must continue to be worn by those who have transitioned. 

I don’t want to belabor the point, however, as everyone wears some sort of mask every day, even cisgender folks. The sort of mask I am talking about is not the sort we have all been required to wear recently to keep each other safe, like the one I wore for my dress fitting...

No, I am talking about the part of themselves that every human being hides from view.

The conclusion for me is that there is no way for me to avoid being costumed for the rest of my life. Born to be an actor, I was made for this drama. At least, as Mr. Shakespeare reminds us, “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players.”

I plan to continue to revel in the smell of my stage makeup, even if I never experience total acceptance by my audience. I will be the best me I can be in whatever role I play, whether on stage or off stage. Someday the curtain will come down and my roleplaying will cease for good. At that point, the costume won’t matter to anyone, including me.

Wearing New York & Company

Curt Bois (left) femulating in the 1928 German film The Masked Mannequin.