Stolen Car

By Paula Gaikowski

I’m from New Jersey, and of course a big Bruce Springsteen fan. I remember friends coming home from trips “down the shore” and playing the 8-track tape “Greetings from Asbury Park.” I was hooked and continued to be to this day. 

The other night alone with my earbuds, a bottle of Chablis, and about 100 Bruce songs I sat out on the deck and listened alone with my thoughts.

Back in 2008 as many of you know from reading my posts, I came out of my shell and started going out in public as Paula. Business trips took me all over the country and world. I was able to experience so many of my dreams as a woman. I attended dinners, classes, concerts, I shopped and socialized. I was able to spend 3-day weekends living as a woman. I began therapy and was able to talk about and come to terms with my transgender nature.  A bad back in 2018 grounded me and then the pandemic grounded us all.

A little know Springsteen song “Stolen Car” resonated with me the other night. It’s about someone who’s stuck in life with an unsolvable problem.  If you’re brave enough, pour yourself a cold one, grab your earbuds, and I’ll let you peek inside my head. Click the title for a video to the song.

“Stolen Car”

I met a little girl and I settled down
In a little house out on the edge of town
We got married, and swore we'd never part
Then little by little we drifted from each other's hearts

(Getting married will make this all go away, it will cure me.)

At first I thought it was just restlessness
That would fade as time went by and our love grew deep
In the end it was something more I guess
That tore us apart and made us weep

(In the end it was something more, my being transgender that caused us pain)

And I'm driving a stolen car
Down on Eldridge Avenue
Each night I wait to get caught
But I never do

(I go out as a woman, everywhere, and I become purposely careless, I’m waiting to get caught, for drastic and seismic change, but it doesn’t happen)

And I'm driving a stolen car
On a pitch black night

(I’m stealing away as a woman, taking something, I want but they say I can’t have, I am isolated with my secret, in the pitch-black night.)

And I'm telling myself I'm gonna be alright

(Someday, I’ll be a woman I’ll be alright I tell myself)

But I ride by night and I travel in fear

(I do this all-in secret, metaphorically at night, and I live everyday fearing it’s going to come crashing down.)

That in this darkness I will disappear.

(“I” being Paula my true self will be lost)

Wearing Bebe

James Brown, Nigerian femulator