Someday Funnies

Wearing Venus

A friend of Barbra

Housekeeping

Just doing some blog housekeeping.

•   I recently rejected a Comment because it contained the N-word. Please do not use the N-word in your Comments – I will just reject it if you do. Also, I would appreciate it if you not use gutter talk, for example, the F-word, etc., in your Comments. Thank-you.

•   Wednesday's Femulator photo of Dávid Hartl femulating Ariana Grande was not Dávid Hartl! It was a photo of Marek Kaliszuk femulating Ariana Grande on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo. I have since replaced Wednesday's photo with one of Dávid Hartl's femulation of Miss Grande and moved the Marek Kaliszuk Ariana Grande femulation into today's Femulator slot with the appropriate YouTube link. (Thank you, Roxanne, for alerting me.)

•   I am always willing to listen to and act on suggestions regarding the blog. Also, I am willing to answer your questions regarding femulating and other girly matters. So, don't be shy – click on the “send me e-mail” link in the blog sidebar and write away. 

Wearing Venus

Marek Kaliszuk femulating Ariana Grande on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo.
You can view this femulation on YouTube.

“In My Room” Again

Performing “In My Room’

Diane commented on my In My Room post, “I saw you perform “In My Room” live at that ball. You were great.”

The “ball” Diane was referring to was my support groups' annual banquet in March 2012.

After dinner, there were awards and the annual Follies. I usually lipsynced a song or two during the Follies, but that year,  instead of lipsyncing I decided to sing The Beach Boys’ song “In My Room.”

I own The Beach Boys’ Stack-O-Tracks album, which contains the instrumental tracks (no vocals) to 15 of their hits including In My Room, so I had the perfect musical accompaniment to my not-so-perfect singing voice.

I copied the song onto my iPod and began practicing during my daily commute. After a few days of that, I concluded that singing that song with my inadequate voice would bore the audience, so I decided to change the lyrics to make it more interesting.

After a few writing attempts, I came up with new lyrics and I practiced every day even during my drive to the banquet that night. But as I sat waiting for my turn to perform, I began to get stage fright. Going over the lyrics in my head, they suddenly did not sound right. I was close to breaking out in a cold sweat when I was called me up to the front of the dance floor to perform.

I pulled myself together and was ready to give it a go, but then there was a malfunction with the DJ's equipment. She could not get audio from the track I had given her and suggested using the karaoke version of the song, which she had on hand.

I was unsure about using the karaoke version, but I had no other choice, so being a trooper, I said, “On with the show.” But then she discovered the error of her ways and got my track to work. I was relieved and sang my heart out with the following lyrics:

    There’s a place where I can go and try on women’s clothes,
    In my room,
    In my room.

    In this world I wear a bra and fishnet pantyhose,
    In my room,
    In my room.

    Do my nails, wear high heels, even shave my back,
    Do my hair up and my makeup, I’ll wear basic black.

    Now it’s dark and I can sneak out dressed just like my Mom,
    From my room,
    From my room.

I got laughs from the audience after singing the very first line. That knocked the stage fright out of me and I received a nice applause at the end.

Wearing JustFab boots

Dávid Hartl femulates Kylie Minogue on Slovakian television's Tvoja Tvar Anie Povedome
You can view this femulation on YouTube.

Call Me “Sissy”

According to my recollection, the first negative word ever hurled at me was “sissy.”

“Sissy,” according to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition, is “a boy or man regarded as effeminate.”

To illuminate that definition, the dictionary defines “effeminate” as “having qualities or characteristics more often associated with women than men; characterized by weakness and excessive refinement.”

Yes – that’s me. The dictionary could print an image of me next to the printed words to illustrate the definition.

The thing is that the first time I was called a sissy, I had no idea that I was one. All I knew was that I was “me” and I was not intentionally emulating females. I did not go out of my way to be a sissy, rather I was just acting naturally. My personality directed me to do things a certain way. The problem was that that way often did not meet the expectations of how a “man” would do things.

When I realized that something was amiss (yeah, me), I began forcing myself to do things the way a “man” does things in order to be accepted in society and not be shunned for being effeminate.

Often, I felt uncomfortable when I forced myself to be a “man.” As time passed, I learned that being accepted in society as a “man” was not worth the effort. So as I grew older and wiser, I forced myself less often and let my personality act naturally more often.

I also began crossdressing more publicly at that time in my life* and my open crossdressing went hand-in-hand with my decision to stop forcing myself to act like a “man.”

I enjoyed dressing as a woman and my normal personality did not conflict with the way I dressed, i.e., I was not a “man in a dress.” Again, this is not an assumption on my part; I have been told more than once that when I crossdress, my personality is a natural fit for the way I am dressed.

I realized that the natural way for me was often the the feminine way, but so what? Why was I forcing myself to be something that I was not? So, I stopped acting like a “man” and instead, acted like “me,” picking and choosing what I liked from the masculine and feminine aisles in that big department store called “Life.”

But the name-calling continued. But I eventually ignored the taunting, learned to embrace my self, and became my own man or should I say “woman.”

Actually, I am somewhere in between. Circumstances prevent me from being a woman all the time. Some of the time, I am a feminine man and some of the time, I am a feminine woman, so you can call me “sissy” – it’s a good fit.

* FYI, I began crossdressing regularly in my early teens, but I had a keen interest in crossdressing much earlier and probably crossdressed for the first time when I was about 8 years old. I crossdressed in public (Halloween) for the first time in my late teens and I crossdressed in public (not Halloween) for the first time in my mid-30s.

Wearing JustFab dress and boots

Vo Tan Phat femulated Blackpink on Vietnamese television's Guong Mat Than Quen.
You can view this femulation on YouTube.
And thank you again, Cheryl, for finding it.

In My Room

I was a Beach Boys fan (still am). Their Beach Boys Concert was the first LP I ever bought. Eventually, I bought every LP and 45 that they released during their first 15 years of operation.

I liked most of their songs; I knew most of the lyrics by heart, but I was very self-conscious about one song — one of their big hits — In My Room.

If ever there was a song about teen transgender angst, In My Room was it. I doubt that Brian Wilson had  crossdressers in mind when he wrote the song, but almost any youth with gender issues could identify with the lyrics of that song.

There's a world where I can go
and tell my secrets to
In my room
In my room

In this world I lock out
all my worries and my fears
In my room
In my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing laugh at yesterday

Now it's dark and I'm alone
but I won't be afraid
In my room
In my room

In addition to being self-conscious about the song, hearing Brian Wilson singing those lyrics back in the mid-1960s was kind of embarrassing. It was such a “girly” song that you had to wonder what was going on with Brian Wilson (plenty, as it turned out, but nothing gender-related). This was the same guy who sang Surfin' Safari, Little Deuce Coupe, Shut Down, Fun, Fun, Fun, etcetera, etcetera, and now he was singing a song that you would expect a female recording artist to sing!

And his voice was girly, too! It was almost too much for a transgender kid to take.

Wearing Cato (Source: Velma)

Dávid Hartl femulating Ariana Grande on Slovakian tv's Tvoja Tvar Anie Povedome.
You can view this femulation on YouTube.

Good Cup of Coffee

By Sally Stone

As social as I tend to be, I have a lot of experience interacting with businesses. Most of my experiences have been positive, but there is one retailer that always exceeds my expectations. It is Starbucks.  

Today, I experienced another example of customer service that went above and way beyond what is normally expected. My experience has less to do with the service or the products, but focuses instead on the organization’s inclusiveness and acceptance.   

Today, I stopped for coffee at the Denville, New Jersey Starbucks on Route 10 and when I walked into the store, one of the baristas took time from her busy duties to acknowledge me and to make a lovely comment about the skirt I was wearing. She made me feel wonderful, like a superstar; in short, she made my day.  

And perhaps a single incident like this could be the result of a single employee in tune with the current gender landscape, but for Starbucks, it has to be more than that. Today was just one example of the numerous experiences I’ve had at many other Starbucks locations. In the past, so many of their employees have taken the time to acknowledge me and celebrate my transness. I know enough about how corporations work to know that this is no accident. 

I thought it important to make sure my experiences with Starbucks are shared with our community. I only wish more corporations made inclusiveness and acceptance a business imperative the way Starbucks does. 

Kudos to you Starbucks and much love to every employee who has gone the extra mile to make me feel special. 

Wearing Cynthia Rowley

Maxim Galkin femulated Maria Callas on Russian television's Exactly.
You can view this femulation on YouTube.

Revue-ing the Situation

By Gina

As a boy with some musical ability, I was sent for classical piano lessons by my parents. But once puberty kicked in, the only interest I had in Beethoven was the Chuck Berry tune. So I started experimenting with boogie woogie and pseudo-jazz of my own creation instead. This led to playing in “originals” bands in my early 20’s, where I would lurk at the back of the stage hunched over my keyboard, which probably suited my introverted male nature at the time.

However, along the way I discovered not only did I have a strong and clear singing voice, but also a three-octave vocal range. Which meant, unlike many men (Sinatra, for example), I could sing along with the majority of female singers without effort. 

Whenever the opportunity arose, I would make use of that ability by doing backing and harmony vocals. Then in my early 30’s, while playing bass in a semi-professional group, I had a bash at singing the lead in public for the first time. And perhaps not entirely by chance, the song in question was “Dreams” as originally sung by Stevie Nicks (without changing the gender references – ha ha).

Fed up with being a “weekend warrior,”, in my mid 30’s, I elected to drop out of the rat race in order to study music formally. I went to the university as a mature student, where I had to commit to one-to-one tuition on my “primary” instrument. As a Jack of all trades, (I once even did a pro gig as a drummer!), I had “been there, done that” and was now more interested in the bigger picture. Merely to satisfy the criteria. I had a go at mastering jazz piano. And wasted my time accordingly, as my heart wasn’t in it. (Dave Brubeck et al could once again sleep at night!)

It so happened that I had come out the closet at the time I started at the university and after a year of finding my feet on the local scene, realized I had the ideal opportunity to finally indulge my inner diva. I ditched the piano lessons to learn how to sing properly for the first time. 

I was also now focusing on arrangement as one of my main academic modules, so I killed two birds with one stone by knocking out a disco-style backing track of Barbra Streisand’s “Evergreen” for my drag debut to take place at a weekly lunchtime event held in the Student Union bar.

The only other person aware of my plan was the lecturer who organized said event. When the time came, I got changed into an outfit Shirley Bassey might have envied before coming on stage to perform over the backing track. And then promptly disappeared again like Cinderella, leaving most of a stunned audience thinking, “Who/what the hell was that?” Afterwards, I went to a lecture as if nothing had happened. However, one or two of my fellow students realized it was me under the wig and make p. And thus, the cat was out of the bag.

I decided to make the most of my newfound celebrity status and put together a revue featuring several re-arranged versions of popular songs for another Student Union gig. I also invited a talented, but scatty woman from my course to play my “boyfriend” as part of the show. She agreed, as long as she could do a spot as herself beforehand.

I came on and performed the grand opening number of my act while she changed nearby (already dressed in required shirt and trousers). I announced her character was joining me on stage and waited for “him” to do so accordingly. And waited. And waited. While hoping the ground would swallow me up, standing there like a lemon making feeble improvised attempts to explain “his” tardiness! 

After what seemed like ages, she finally turned up in man mode and the show went on. But ,afterwards, I thought, “Exactly how long does it take to put on a jacket, tie and false mustache?” Seemingly far longer for a woman to do so than a man!

Although I still cringe at the memory of that debacle, I learned my lesson and made sure the next revue (billed as “An Xmas Xtravaganza”, complete with MC and male dance troupe) went without incident. While basking in the acclaim of a receptive crowd afterwards (including one of my lecturers, who couldn’t help but tell me how pretty I looked as a woman), a member of the staff asked if I was interested in having the act recorded for transmission on the university television station (that was broadcast to a potential audience of several million). I saw that as the big break I had long been waiting for and so readily agreed. However, there was one snag: I wasn’t allowed to do any covers as they didn’t have a catch-all PRS license (the British version of ASCAP, BMI, etc.). So could I do original material instead? I pointed out that the whole point of the revue was to do familiar songs in my own customized arrangements, so I felt obliged to decline the offer. And thus (like Fagin in Oliver!), I’d better think it out again!

After I left the university, I made a brief attempt to break into the professional drag circuit. But after a couple of salutary experiences getting changed in cramped and dingy toilets in order to entertain a handful of semi-interested punters was enough to convince me it was more trouble than it was worth. I decided to put such aspirations on hold until such time I found a collaborator truly on my own wavelength, which finally happened 15 years later, but that’s another story.

Wearing JustFab

Vesna Prague

Someday Funnies

Wearing Paige

Ashton Kutcher femulating in a 2002 episode of television's That '70s Show

The Secrets of “Your Great Shape”

Rica asked, “Do you have tips on fat and sugar gram intake and exercise on keeping your great shape?”

I successfully diet without counting fat and sugar intake. 

After years of trying to maintain a girlish figure, I know what I have to do if I want to lose weight. Whether I want to lose 5 pounds or 50 pounds, I follow my regimen and as long as I stick to it, the pounds will come off.

Basically, I forgo two things to lose weight: bread and sweets (cookies, candies, pastries, etc.). I don't “drink” much, so forgoing beer, wine and liquor is not part of my regimen.

One of my part-time jobs during high school was as a cook at Kentucky Fried Chicken. The store policy was that you could eat all you wanted and I did. One year on the job and I gained 40 pounds!

The following summer, Pop got me a union job at the comic book factory. Near the end of each shift, I had to lift 50-pound printing plates off of a skid and into a furnace to be melted and reused. 

Unhappy with my KFC weight gain, I figured that the daily printing plate routine would help me lose weight, so I cut out bread and sweets, had a cup of yogurt for lunch and lost 50 pounds that summer.  

For the next 45 years, I maintained my weight, give or take 10 pounds.

About three years ago, I got tired of shopping on the Women’s side of Dress Barn, Macy’s, JCPenney, etc. and decided to lose some weight. So I gave up bread and sweets and walked a mile or more every day. 

Eventually, I lost 25 pounds and began shopping on the Misses side of my favorite boutiques – down from sizes 16W and 18W to sizes 16, 14 and occasionally, a size 12.

My diet regimen could not be simpler and I could not be happier with my girlish figure.

Wearing CULPOS X INC

Maxwell Jameson

From My Oldies Collection

Martha and the Vandellas Dept.

Sorry about the lack of posts this week, but we have been dancing in the streets around Femulate Headquarters the last few days.

The Knickerbockers Dept.

In his Inaugural Address, the new President tried something different: leveling with the American people.

Edwin Starr Dept.

Watching the Inaugural Committee's “Celebrating America” last night, I noticed a number of trans people performing during some of the musical performances. Another sign that Trump's “War on Transgenders” is over!

Toni Basil Dept.

Similarly, Mikki mentioned it and I noticed it, too: the “fashionista” (photo above) in a new Lexus commercial seems to be either “trans or a very good femulator.” (Isn't that the same thing?).

Wearing Rachel Zoe

A femulator get-together