You should have been a girl

"You should have been a girl!" is a statement my mother made to me a number of times while I was growing up. Usually, she made it after complementing my shapely girlish legs. On other occasions, when she mentioned that I walked like a girl (on my tip toes).

To compound my gender confusion, whenever she took my sister and I out on her weekly shopping trips, she insisted that I use the ladies' room when nature called. I don't recall if I stood or sat to pee, but I used the ladies' room until I was 10 or 11 years old.

Then there was my introduction to makeup.

I was probably between the ages of 6 and 9 and for a day or two, I got the notion that I wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I remember I was home alone with my mother and I covered my face with my mother's cold cream to simulate a clown's white face. What a mess!

I showed my handiwork to my mother and she volunteered to do a better job. She removed the cold cream and started anew applying various cosmetics to my face.

When she was done, I looked in the mirror and was shocked. Instead of looking like a clown, I looked like a girl. I still remember the bright red lipstick on my lips.

In retrospect, I am not sure if she realized what I was trying to do. I do not recall if I was clear about trying to be a clown. She may have thought I was trying to be a girl and acted accordingly.

I suspect that later, when I began exploring femininity, she would have been very willing to assist me, but I never asked for her help or revealed my desires even when she prompted me with, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

In retrospect, I realize she knew (mothers always know) after finding my hidden stash of girly things and learning about my Halloween excursions en femme, but I was too closeted to tell her the truth that I really was a girl.

Wearing OPM Boutique

Steve Coogan femulates on British television in Pauline Calf's Wedding Video.