If people are laughing at your appearance, your appearance is not good enough.
I put a lot of time and effort into my appearance and I try to pass. My results indicate that my appearance is good enough. Either I pass or look convincing enough that civilians are not sure. The civilians who recognize me as transgender, respect that or don't care. In any case, no one makes an issue about my appearance... at least, not to my face.
There are trans folks who say passing is not important and they may not put much effort into trying to pass. Fine – that is their choice, but they should not complain when someone reacts negatively to their lackadaisical appearance.
They can't have your cake and eat it, too. If they want to go out looking like men in a dresses o skinny jeans, go ahead, but they are making themselves targets for the goons and ignoramuses out there and they should be prepared.
And don't whine about it when it happens
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| Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper) |
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| Héctor Medina femulating in the 2015 Cuban film Viva. |
The only problem with "men in dresses" is that it gives the rest of us a bad name
ReplyDeleteAnother reason to dress good enough... to counteract bad impressions.
DeleteOuch. And...lucky you. Not everyone who is female inside has the outside body configuration to pull it off so successfully before civilian scrutiny even if the time and effort is put in and the makeup and clothing are appropriately "good enough".
ReplyDeleteMy "outside body configuration" is tall big-boned average-looking male. It was not a great starting point for femulating, but I worked hard at it and became good enough.
DeleteWell said.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rhonda.
DeleteI have much the same experience as you do Stana. I put a little effort into my appearance and if anything I get compliments from women who like my sense of style. I have never had anyone make an insulting remark other than maybe looking at me a little too long but then being tall you will get that anyway. I do agree with your point although, regardless of appearance, no one deserves to be attacked or bullied for it. There are many genetic men and women out there who don't make any effort to look presentable and people leave them alone.
ReplyDeleteStana, I agree it helps to make an effort to dress and look your best. However, some transgender persons will be misgendered despite their efforts. For example, not everyone can afford ffs, and some have overly male facial features that makeup can't always help to hide.
ReplyDeleteI can't afford FFS either, but there are makeup tricks that can do the job. It takes a lot of research and practice, but it is do-able.
DeleteWhat the hell, Stana? People have literally been murdered for not 'passing'. You've been blessed with good looks, but don't sit here and feel superior to women (or men) who aren't as fortunate. Some of them fear for their safety.
ReplyDeleteBlessed with good looks? I don't think so. I am average-looking at best as a male, not to mention that I am 6'2" tall and weigh in at over 200 pounds. I worked hard with what the Goddess gave me and am "good enough." If I can do it, anyone can.
DeleteBravo...wise words for sure.
ReplyDeletePat
Thank you, Pat.
DeleteWow, what a disappointing post that just stinks of passing privilege.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure the people who are inconveniencing your news feed are not the 'men in dresses' you seem to have pigeon holed every non passing trans person into, since the 'men in dresses' who deem passing as not important will be confident enough to rebuke a petrol station worker who sniggered at her.
They are trans women who probably put in as much effort if not more than you to pass. But due to genetics/timing of transition/lack of support, etc, they will never be as lucky as you when it comes to passing. Thinking you are above them due to some fluke with how your life turned out is incredibly egotistical.
If the trans woman in the petrol station wasn't trans but looked 'lackadaisical', would he have been laughed and sniggered at? Unlikely. Why should being trans make any difference? You are helping to normalise hate against your own kind.
I have to disagree with that phrase, it is very patronizing and dismissive of those who try their hardest but are still obviously male in their features. And there are plenty of transgender women who just do what cis women do when they go out. So "passing" is not the end result, "living" is.
ReplyDeletethis is so deeply offensive. I generally brush off your more offensive (internalized) transphobic comments as something that will get better over time as you continue to explore what being trans means. Unfortunately, there seems to be little or no growth. I encourage you to read the many writings of Janet Mock, Helen Boyd, Kate Bornstein, and many others who are working tirelessly to make the world a better place for trans girls like me.
ReplyDeleteSorry to offend, but I am deeply offended by those who make no effort to look respectable, but expect to be respected just because they say they are trans.
DeleteAnette J
DeleteWell said. Why people are expecting that they will be respected if they are not respecting anything. Live is life, how much you work so much you gain. .
I agree. Passing is not about holding to a fabricated beauty standard (which Anonymous apparently does) and it isn't either being your fetish self (which we are all entitled to have), it is to be a person. Who is "ugly" or as another person pointed out: "still male in their features" is only the person who is still acting "a part" not becoming her. How many women who doesn't look "the part" are still treated as women, how many women who are far, far, far away from the concept of "feminine" or "beauty" are still treated with respect.
DeletePassing is not something you are born with, in that regard it is actually a privilege, and like many other ones, is one that is earned and kept.
Passing is about how much you respect and love yourself, how you conduct yourself in public. I am not against anyone who are free to act the way they want, not at all. Just to be clear, if your objective is Passing and Blending (which is what Stana is talking about) then the effort is not in trying to look like a VS model, but to behave, appear and live as a woman... and for the record, is not about the number of days that you live in that skin, is not about full, partial, or just this afternoon, is about how much you respect yourself.
There will always be idiots that shame women (cis or trans) being men or women themselves, there is nothing we can do about them but show that we are above that.
In the end dignity is about love, not for anybody or anything else except you. Love yourself, take care of yourself, become that proud girl that is admired not because of her "stunning" looks, but because of how she is.
If you can see that, then you got it. If you only see hate and phobias, then, you should ask yourself first if it is not your own bad experiences and fears talking.
Nobody said it was easy.
#sheprevailed
lol... It shouldn't be that surprising that someone living in the closet doesn't understand how people out there living honestly and openly experience confrontation.
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to get out of your closet and fight with the trans people living openly and honestly. You'll be surprised how much your views mature when you're actually living it.
LOL... Who's in the closet? You are the one who has to resort to an "Anonymous" comment!
DeleteStana, you are in the closet. That's why you have special "dressing up" days/events/Halloween out. You aren't living authentically and honestly and that is your choice and your right. However, when you start spreading hateful ideas against women who are actually living their life and doing everything they can to survive, your privilege and inauthenticity needs to be called out.
DeleteFeel free to give (trans)women advice when you are living openly as a (trans)woman all the time. Not when it's convenient for you to have a special dress up day.
For the record, I support your right to not come out of the closet and deal with the gender dysphoria the best way you can. We all have complicated lives/reasons behind our decisions. However, you have to understand that you are absolutely not experiencing life as a (trans)woman when it comes to how the typical (trans)woman experiences the world on a day-to-day basis.
According to you Anonymous, if a person is a cross-dresser like Stana, myself and many others, and therefore is not living full time as a woman, that means we "aren't living authentically and honestly"? And then you accuse Stana of "spreading hateful ideas"? IMO you are out to lunch on this one. I won't judge others' appearance, and I understand we all have limitations, but being a not great looking male I do put a lot of effort in my presentation and never have a problem when I go out.
DeleteThat's not at all what I'm saying. What I am saying is that dressing up like a woman for a day or two is NOT the same experience as living as a woman. Speaking from experience, the difference is night and day.
DeleteAlso, yes if you are not out as genderqueer (that's probably the more updated term) than yes you are in the closet. Again, I still support you even if you privately/secretly express your gender diversity. We all have complicated reasons for the choices we make. But someone who is in the closet (whether trans, gender queer, gay, etc) should most definitely not be passing judgements on those trying to live out their life openly and honestly.
But in general, we (the trans community) have zero tolerance/patience on being judged on our appearance...
I fully support people who identify all over the gender spectrum. I also fully support and sympathize with someone who feels they are fully trans, but not able to transition due to personal reasons. Whatever you have been dealt, I hope that you live and express your gender in whatever way feels right to you!
However, don't ever, EVER start criticizing other people who don't fit into the gender box you have created. ESPECIALLY don't criticize someone that is living an open authentic life. Because as the saying goes, you have no idea what it's like until you have actually spent more than a day or two in their heels.....
I am disappointed, but I will not waste my breath saying anything more here.
ReplyDeleteBrian, Part Time Girl, Tina - I love you all.