My 65th birthday is just around the corner and I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I am going to live the rest of my life after that landmark birthday:
- As a frustrated woman because I will continue to pretend to be a man most of the time or
- As a woman
I have accomplished a lot in my life while pretending to be a man, but imagine what I could have accomplished if I was not a frustrated woman.
Truth be told, I suspected I was a frustrated woman most of my life, but it was less than ten years ago when I had my epiphany and realized I really was a frustrated woman. So I am kind of off the hook about all those years before my epiphany, but plead guilty to dragging my feet (pun intended) since my epiphany.
It seems that I have been closely following Scarlett O'Hara's words, "Tomorrow is another day" as I procrastinate.
The thought of living the rest of my life as a woman thrills me. Every morning when I get dressed to pretend to be a man, I pretend I am dressing to live as a woman. As I put on my briefs, I picture myself slipping on a pair of panties. As I pull a T-shirt over my head, I picture myself clasping myself into a bra. As I pull on my socks, I picture myself carefully pulling on a pair of thigh-highs. Etcetera, etcetera.
Oh, how I wish it were true! And I have the power to make it come true.
My employer would not be an issue. Human resources says I can start coming to work as a woman anytime and my boss said she is more than ok with it. And my many Halloweens at work as a woman have prepared my co-workers, so they are already used to that girl and will not be surprised if I go full-time.
Home is where there is a catch. I have not broached the subject with my spouse and I have no idea how she would react.
For what it's worth, about a month ago, her and I are eating dinner, when out of the blue, she asks, "Do you think you might be transgender?"
I blurted out, "Duh."
And that was the end of the conversation. So she knows something is up with me and has been up with me for a long time.
I have to make the next move.
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| Wearing Bergdorf Goodman. |
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| Brendan Jordan |
I think she would accept you and continue your long marriage.
ReplyDeleteStana, I've never met you but I would say make the next move. I am 66 years old...I will be 67 in July. I have my first appointment with an endocrinologist in one wee and five days. I see my urologist in 2 weeks and four days to see about getting rid of testosterone. I will actually begin my social transition (full time) in August or September, more likely September. Name change will be in that same time frame. You may not be planning the steps I'm taking but don't let the opportunity of working as yourself pass you by. But let me ask one question Stana. Some of our physical health depends on our happiness and my therapist pointed out I am not happy. Can you say working as a male, you are honestly happy? If not, what, as if we didn't know, will make you happy.
ReplyDeleteIf you had to guess, how do you think your wife will react? With my wife, I told her when we were dating in 1969. Basically she's known one way or another this day was coming for 46 years. Thankfully mine has always considered women attractive so she doesn't have a problem with the thought of having a wife who used to be her husband.
This is such a difficult subject yet one that comes to mind over and over. In today's world I think taking this step is somewhat easier yet the cost can be very high. Yet the cost of not transitioning can be just as high. I have been reading Lauren's blog and get the feel of some of the pressures and difficulties taking the final step. Yet I can see the happiness in her heart and mind as I pass month to month and year to year and know she made the right decision. I wish you luck Stana as well as Beverly as you move forward.
ReplyDeletelife is short and if going to work as a woman is going to make you happy just do it Stana. It doesn't mean you have to transition physically. Be happy...
ReplyDeleteI urge you to have the discussion, but don't pre-empt the outcome. We operated on the if we don't talk about it, it will go away policy, consequently neither of us were happy and we are now separated. Even if the discussion is difficult it is better had, you may even be surprised.
ReplyDeleteHave the discussion and perhaps make a deal. Tell her that you'd like to transition for most everyday things like work and going shopping etc, but you can be still her husband whenever she wants. Try to make it a win-win.
ReplyDeleteDear Stana,
ReplyDeletePerhaps talking with your daughter first might be productive. You have written that she and your wife have seen Stana many times. I believe I remember you saying that your daughter is understanding and accepting of you when she sees you femulating. You might consider telling your daughter how you have felt "masquerading as a man" for so many years, and that you would really like to work as a woman (and at all other times, if your wife could accept that). Although it would be a bold (and possibly risky step), perhaps you could reveal Femulate.org to your daughter. I'm assuming that neither she nor your wife are aware of it. Such a conversation with your daughter first may inform how you can approach the more difficult conversation with your wife.
In any event, I wish you the very best outcome for your happiness. You are a wonderful woman, and I hope that your wife and daughter can accept the third woman in your family unit.
Love,
Sheila.
Stana
ReplyDeleteIt is so very hard to press the envelop about our special needs and wants with someone who we have been with for so many decades. I still have trouble telling my wife that I want to get out more often. It is not that she will say no it is that she will fret and worry about all the things, mostly imaginary, that could happen while I am out and about. I respect the situation that you are in and wish you luck in finding something that works for you and for your wife.
Regards
Pat
I was married for 39 years, but in reality it came to an end shortly after I was diagnosed Asperger at the age of 51. We were members of a church that didn't allow divorce apart from exceptional circumstances so she didn't divorce me until ten years later when she found out I was cross dressing. That was sufficiently "exceptional circumstances" for the church. So when I came to make the decision to be the woman I had by now realised I am, I had already lost my marriage, family, church and friends. So all I lost when I went full time was the enormous stress of living a false life.
ReplyDeleteI would say do what you need to do for your own health and happiness. You won't keep everybody but hopefully you will keep at least some of your family. Like me you will find new and real friends.
There came a time for me when I simply could not go on without a plan to transition. Now I'm doing so much and I've come so far as the person I am meant to be. Stana, you've helped me immensely with this through this website. Only you know what's best for you. But it sounds like time for you make such a plan for yourself.
ReplyDeleteStana, you a woman so be the woman you are, and live in peace and happiness.
ReplyDeleteI came out to my wife a year ago, since that time I have started living full time as a woman (October) I run my own business and that is no issue. The most important thing that has happened is the simple fact that I don't have to lie anymore. My ex wife and I are best friends. Learning to be honest with myself and others has been crucial to my serenity. I have found serenty finally. I think I have failed to mention I am 65 years old and now I only wish I had had the courage to be honest before. It is worth it. If your wife is asking if you are transgender you should be grateful and give her the respect to discuss the truth. thanks and good luck
ReplyDelete"Duh" indeed!
ReplyDelete