TDOR is an annual event honoring the memory of those lives lost in acts of anti-transgender violence, whereas T Awareness Week is intended "to help raise the visibility of transgender and gender non-conforming people, and address the issues these communities face."
Doing my part, I took a half-step when I went to work as a woman on Halloween Eve. I am thinking about completing the step next week by admitting to my co-workers that I am indeed transgender. It will come as a surprise to some my co-workers, while others may already suspect that something is up, so I will only be confirming their suspicions.
Please tell me why I should do it and/or tell me why I should not.
Note that my job is not on the line; Human Resources, my boss and her boss already stated that they fully support me, so losing my job is not an issue.
I really appreciate your thoughts on this matter.
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| Wearing BB Dakota. |
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| Landon Patterson, homecoming queen, Oak Park High School, Kansas City, MO |
Stana:
ReplyDeleteIf you come out to your entire office, do you then intend to work thereafter as a full time female employee? If so, and since you're already in a safe spot since your boss, 2d tier boss, and HR are supportive, you should go ahead and do it. You'll be much happier and true to yourself.
If however you plan to shift back and forth from Stana to Stan as the feeling hits you, I suggest that the confusion you will cause your coworkers needs to be carefully considered. Trans is becoming more accepted by certain segments of society. Cross dressing - not so much. If you are switching back and forth, it will appear to all that you are a man who likes to be a woman sometimes -- a man in a dress, if you will. That perception is more likely to be tied to the bathroom/voyeur/perversion perception and fear that the closed minded segment of the population holds. In other words, I worry that if you switch back and forth you will have a lot more trouble finding acceptance.
My advice? Go full time. I know from following your blog for a long time that full time is where you want to be and where you'll feel most comfortable. Hope this is helpful.
Best regards and a dose of envy,
Rhonda
Thank you, Rhonda!
DeleteStana you should do it because you want to and because you have been looking for excuses not to. If you go to work as a woman your wife does not have to see it and you will be that much happier for it. Life is short and so why not do it. After going to work dressed for Halloween as well as you do I don't think anyone could possibly suspect you are not trans. Go for it!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joanna. (Wife won't see me going, but can't miss me coming!)
DeleteHi Stana
ReplyDeleteI really do not see why you present as a male at all. I would certainly say you are transgender without a doubt with this blog being a very strong indicator.
I think it would be best for you to present as a woman at work, and I second the notion that you not go back and forth between boy mode and girl mode.
Stana, with as many years in a row you've gone to work dressed on Halloween, I don't think you'll surprise many people coming out as transgender. So tell them. I did find out when it became known at work I was transgender that it opened up some interesting conversations with women on my team regarding fashion and such. I didn't actually come out though as much as word spread. Of course I kept two photos of me in evening gowns from formal events I had attended on my desk so it wasn't like I was hiding anything. I even had one woman who became way too interested in me and I had to make her back off some. LOL I do have to agree with Rhonda though. You should decide on full time or keep it just for Halloween.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous!
DeleteDear Stana,
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether your work life and home life ever mix, works dinners, friends of the family who also work where you do etc etc. Unless you can keep the two completely separate then I would advise against going full time at work. I know why you do not go full time all the time for the same reasons I cannot. Life is a right ******** and some of us have to decide on either being selfish or putting our family first.
Warm regards
Jae
Thank you, Jae! There is absolutely no mixing between home and work (except when I bring home my pay!)
DeleteI learned a valuable piece of advice last night. The old adage, "life is too short" is backwards. In truth, "life is too long"-too long for you not to be yourself. So, I say go to work as a woman full time. If I could, I would.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone so far, don't tell everyone you're transgender then switch back and forth.
Live large-embrace your truth!
Thank you, Marcia!
DeleteIt depends if you wish to live out your life as a woman then I would just go to work and live as one 24/7 without a big announcement. Since your job is safe and there is no fear there, by all means dress as you wish. Those who are your real friends won't care, the ones that shun you, oh well, they may come around. You are in a prized position having mgmt and hr behind you. Either way you go, be true to oneself, life is short.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elle!
DeleteFirst, I agree with Rhonda, although I'd say "distraction" instead of "confusion."
ReplyDeleteUnless things have changed, you're not going full-time. So what will change?
Will it open up the option of wearing more feminine things openly (say a blouse instead of a shirt) and will you avail of that?
Is your new status going to get back to your wife and cause her pain? Even if home/work are separate there may be someone transphobic enough to "spill the beans."
Logistically, have you thought about how you'd spread the word (I know you have!)? You've used e-mail for the hamvention. That's more problematic at work, when people may or may not read it right away and There Will Be Gossip. (You could solve that by writing "FREE TESLA" as the subject. :)
The upside is, you eliminate what I call the "don't ask, can't tell" factor. "Hi Stan. What did you do last weekend?" Before: "not much." After: "I found this great dress and broke a heel."
If it comes up, I tell people at work "it's something I do, sometimes." It rarely does come up. At my last job a couple of women knew. If they blabbed, I didn't care. At this job, I haven't met anyone who seems to warm up to the concept ~ I do hint to see reactions though.
Another upside: even if nothing changes, Gary in accounting might come over and whisper "I thought I was the only one in the office!" and tell her story.
Would you mention your blog? Outreach? Hamvention? Didn't you do something company-related in NY as Stana? (you may want to let management know you did that first :) )
You're a writer. The people there know you well. Management and HR are cool. I'd go for it.
To my coworkers and friends,
You probably don't know this is "transgender awareness week." Friday is the Transgender Day of Remembrance" where we remember the men and women who were killed because someone decided being transgendered was a personal affront to them.
To start the week, I'd like to make you aware of the (company name)'s very own transwoman.
That would be me.
I'd guess many of you have guessed based on my singular focus on Halloween...
....
....
and so it goes.
I might be giving you the world's worst bit of advice, and remember that free advice is worth every penny.
GO FOR IT.
If not now, when?
Lots of food for thought, Meg, but I guess the bottom line is "just do it!"
DeleteDear Santa, a few years ago, I told him that you, it should go to work daily in fem, you told me you did not do it out of respect for his wife. I do not answer him, but in my mind, I was sure there would come a day when you attend Fem all days in his work. My opinion is that please, do so! In your mind is a woman, we must now be congruent between mind and his image ... is not it?
ReplyDeleteThank you, Fernanda!
DeleteHi Stana-
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that SO many of the comments here have stated to go full time or not at all, because you know it would confusing or a distraction. Interesting. So.... it is fine to come out as TS but not actually TG? Please remember people that TG covers a wide spectrum of people. Some of who that transition to the opposite gender, and many who do not. What many of you are saying is.... unless you are transitioning to full time female, then stay in the closet. Is that really what Trans awareness week is supposed to be about? Or are only some of us trans? Or should only some of us Trans folk be visible because we might upset some apple carts?
As for what to do Stana? I don't know. I have pondered it off and on for many years. While I present in a very mixed gender way, I have yet to go fully dressed as a woman. So... what the heck! Go for it!
Nadine
Thank you, Nadine.
DeleteSTANA, We started off with capitals to get your attention-sorry but if this question were a show on T.V. then we see you as the person(s) being interviewed by Joe Friday and his partner. You present all the things you can remember about what happened to you all at once with some confusion then Joe Friday says "Just the facts, "Maam". So then Joe and his partner would start asking you questions, writing down your answers and start to assemble a profile and details to help them solve the case. We believe you need to sit down, watch an episode of Dragnet and use their investigative methods to really figure out where you stand right now about living full time as a woman. Remember just the facts, ma'am and nothing else but them. Ok? Just remember our SheZow MOTTO-YOU GO GURL!!! With hugs and kisses and on behalf of all the ladies, Ms. Stacey Anne Smith. ♡♡♡
ReplyDeleteHaven't watched Dragnet in ages, but I binge on Law & Order! So I guess a little Lenny Briscoe is in order! Thank you, Stacey.
DeleteStana, We see your dilemma like the show named Dragnet where the two officers would try to question the person(s) involved only to get conflicting account(s) of what really happened so one officer would always say to them "Just The Facts" Maam/Sir, Then start writing down just the facts and by using their investigative skills like common sense, reasoning etc they would build a profile/case and after working though all the information, They would alway keep working on it until the pieces fit together and solved their case. The ladies and myself suggest that you might want to consider using this to come to a possible solution. YOU GO GURL!!! On behalf of all of the Femulating Ladies and myself, Ms.Stacey Anne Smith.
ReplyDeleteDear Stana,
ReplyDeleteYou have written that, although your wife knows of your Stana persona and has seen you dressed at home on many occasions, she does not want to “participate” (as I think you put it recently). So, would she be OK seeing you dress as Stana each work day, arrive back home as Stana, and then change to Stan for the time you spend with her at home in the evenings and weekends? How would you feel about that if she were willing to follow that plan?
If you and your wife thought going to work as Stana was OK, then I would suggest the following:
Tell HR, your boss, and your boss’s boss that you would like to announce to everyone that you are transgendered, and would like to start presenting as a woman every day at work. Ask them what they think about this.
If they feel it’s OK to do this, you and they can discuss how best to spread the word to everyone at your workplace (transgender education and sensitivity training, etc.).
If you do go ahead with the plan of presenting as Stana permanently at work, perhaps a one or two week “buffer” period between the official announcement and your first day as Stana would be advisable, to give your coworkers a chance to digest the big upcoming change.
Some of the previous commenters seemed to assume that if you “come out” as transgendered to all your coworkers, that means you would work as Stana every day. I don’t know if that is what you are thinking of. It may be that you want to share your transgender nature with them, but still work as Stan (considering your wife’s feelings).
As I’m guessing you would agree, I think your wife’s wishes in all of this is the most important deciding factor.
I wish you the very best in whatever you decide.
Love,
Sheila.
Thank you, Sheila. I've thought about it and if HR was OK with it, I would visit each co-worker personally and just introduce myself. There are only 70 people at work here and some (like the engineers in the lab) work in groups, so it would not be time-consuming and much more personal than an e-mail.
Delete