And most of my life, I professed that I was a "plain-vanilla crossdresser," that is, someone who crossdressed for the joy the of wearing women's fashions... not someone who crossdressed because they identified as a woman.
Heaven forbid! That wasn't me. I wasn't one of those people!
Despite a lot of evidence to the contrary, I was afraid to make the great leap that I was a woman, too. That would be a big leap and would rock the foundation of my existence.
In retrospect, I would have probably felt pretty pretty good if I had made that leap way back then, but I worried about what they would think! I always worried about what they would think and I led my life to please them, not me. So I denied all the evidence and stuck to my "plain-vanilla crossdresser" story.
Over five years ago, after months of counseling, a life coach finally helped me to make that leap. Instead of denying all the evidence, I embraced it and accepted the fact that I was a woman.
And I was proud to be a woman and not ashamed of it. I began coming out to my friends and colleagues and I began living authentically whenever the opportunity presented itself.
And it didn't hurt a bit!
Wearing Eva Franco.
Students femulating at the 2014 University of North Carolina Asheville drag ball.
Quite liberating and sad at the same time! But was the wait worth it?
ReplyDeleteYes!
The first step was recognizing that I am transgender and giving myself permission to be transgender, some call this self acceptance. Next standing up for myself and realizing that I have rights and that I am not doing anything wrong and don’t need anyone’s consent to cross-dress, shop for women’s clothes, or present publically as a woman. Finally liberating my feminine side to grow, to take pleasure in it, revel in it and be proud of it.
ReplyDeleteIt dawned on me one day and I wrote this statement a manifesto of self acceptance: I am 50 years old. I am hard working and have a successful career. I am financially successful, I am a dedicated husband and father. I give back to my community and I am active in my church. I strive to be caring, kind, and thoughtful. I don’t drink or abuse drugs. I am honest and trustworthy. This is a part of my personality that has caused me shame and anxiety for years. There are medical and biological reasons for this. It doesn’t make me an awful person, it means I’m different. I won’t feel bad about myself anymore.
Good for you, Paula. I feel the same way.
DeleteAs so often, in so many ways I feel you are speaking for all to many of us.
ReplyDeleteYes, Paula, there are a lot of similarities in our sisterhood!
DeleteDear Stana,
ReplyDeleteThank You for sharing! I'm so happy for you. You go, woman!
Love,
Sheila.
Thank you, Sheila!
DeleteIt's great that you have admitted that your holding onto a crossdressing -- a femulating -- identity was just a defence from having to acknowledge and embrace your trans nature.
ReplyDeleteLetting go of the crossdressing/femulating mentality, the assertion that it's about imitating or emulating females, lets us make it clear that we are not fake or surface anything, rather we are really, really trans.
Your femulation is dead and your womanhood is here! It's great you finally are letting femulating go to embrace your trans identity. You choices aren't about clothes, aren't about emulating others, they are about honest expression of your nature.
The move away from femulating is due; welcome to another trans woman claiming her truth in the world, not just finding an excuse to dress up!
Congratulations!
Thank you, Mara.
DeleteTher is no question, that for as long as I've been reading your blog Stana, one thing has always come across you are womanly. And I won't try to argue with how and why you feel as you do about who and what you are, as this is our personal journeys for all of us to walk as individuals and as part of a community and in society.
ReplyDeleteMy Schtick has been to always offer that not every trans person has to be their opposite sex, even though they strongly express in the opposite gender role. I feel we have lived similar trans herstories. In that I'm non op and non 24/7, but I am me, and that is many things. I have to say, most of my angst doesn't come from liking and wanting to be and look as feminine as possible, it comes from the unwillingness of society to let go of the structures men are rigorously held to. I believe in my heart that if men had the same license to express their feminine in a manner that women my express their masculinity. We would not be having as many discussions about wether we are women or just crossdressers.mmy wife Dee is very sure of her gender and her sex, even though she expresses both in opinion and in clothing that she is masculine. And society sees no issue with her. She is also an extremely successfull business person and held in very high esteem by her associates and corporations dependent on her.
My wife is the same, Holly!
DeleteI think I went from a crossdresser to a transwoman when I finally accepted who I was deep down. Quite a reckoning but now that I am past that I look back and wonder what took so long. Sound familiar. But we all march to a different tempo and better late than never. The self destruct mode seems to have vanished along with my old identity, and life seems brighter. Gals like yourself have been a help beyond measure. My daughters were not to happy at first, now one buys me wonderful things and we do makeup and talk about shoes and everything girly. Other is somewhere out there not quite sure where she is about me today. Wife loves me as I am.
ReplyDeleteWith all the attention we seem to be getting today I really think it would do us justice if the public knew about how DES has played a roll in our lives. How many of us are trans due to DES? Don't get me wrong, I would not want to be NON trans now but synthetic oestrogens have played a major role in our lives, to what extent is anyones guess.