I replied that I usually get my teeth fixed without Novocain or whatever they use these days, so pain is not an issue.. Rather, my spouse is the issue.
She is not thrilled with the fact that her husband is a woman, but she realizes that I must let my girl out for air once in awhile. I appreciate that she is OK with me being the authentic me some of the time, but I don't want to rub her nose in it.
Everyday, she sees signs that remind her that her husband is a woman.
We share a walk-in closet and as she enters it, she encounters a rack now half full of her husband's dresses, skirts, blouses, and slacks. On the floor below those pretty things are countless boxes containing her husband's high heels. Next to the shoes are storage totes containing her husband's lingerie and hosiery. Next to the totes is her husband's cosmetics box. Still other totes contain her husband's jewelry and purses. And on the shelf above her tops and jeans is a tote containing her husband's coiffures.
If I dress as a woman when my spouse is home, I avoid my spouse so that she does not see her husband as a woman because she has often said, "I don't want to see you dressed as a woman." (On occasion, curiosity gets the best of her and she wants to see how I look, but I don't show her unless she is interested.)
My body has signs that may remind her that I am a woman. My hairless arms, legs, breasts, shoulders and back are the most obvious signs.
Less obvious are my neatly maintained eyebrows (eyeglasses hide how neat and feminine they actually look).
She never mentions the stuff in our closet, nor my shaved body, nor my feminized eyebrows --- out of sight, out of mind.
But if I had my ears pierced, there would be no way to hide that from her. It would be a constant reminder that I am a woman, so I let it be.
Wearing Light in the Box.
Femulating British sailor, circa 1910
Stana, I can appreciate that you draw a line in your life for your wife. We all would love to be free to be, and hopefully as the world turns more and more of us will have that opportunity. Like you I have a wife who isn't completely enthrawled with her feminine husband. So I have to draw lines as well. I think anyone of us who wishes to remain in a relationship with a women who loves us and is herself making sacrifices, has to respect the lines.
ReplyDeleteSomeday, I am confident that feminine men will be looked at differently. We are just one step in that staircase of life. And I'm comfortable with that. I have too much to be regretful if I don't get more. Though Dee does keep saying, "just get them pierced!"
What appears to be different with Dee, is that she loves me feminine, my girly lounge wear, or outside in capris and pink crocks. As long as I still look like a guy, no wig or makeup, she's even good with me and my small breasts. It's only when I fully transform into my feminine persona that she goes to her guarded place. I guess as long as people can see me as a man. She doesn't worry about them seeing her as a lesbian. I should mention also that she does wear the pants in the family.
In retrospect, if I could do it all over again, I would have not had to put my wife through any of this because I would have begun living full-time as a woman long before I met her.
DeleteI appreciate the post, Stana, because it gets to reality for so many of us. I had to draw the line at putting everything in a separate closet (Lisa really is "in the closet" and it is not my wife's!). I get away with a hairless body, though she constantly says she wishes I didn't shave my legs. She has not seen me as Lisa in over 30 years, and would rather have her out of sight. But, she lets me be me and I must respect her boundaries. People at my office would notice pierced ears anyway, so I doubt I would do it even if I could. I usually buy leverback earrings and cut off a small amount using needlenose pliers. They stay on fine and look pierced. I have never liked clip ons, but loved your collection.
ReplyDeleteMy wife has never suggested any boundaries, but I think I know her well enough to know where to stop.
DeleteVery pertinent post and one I too am familiar with. I think your consideration for your wife is good and thoughtful of her needs.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I've been down that path and found whether I hid my feminine things or not, my desires were omnipresent anyway. Ultimately my hiding was pointless since she left me anyway. Just a cautionary tale my Sister.
Such a common issue. My wife is so loving and enjoys me being me. Never has it been a issue to dress in the home, even one of my daughters does my makeup. But the pierced ear is a defined commitment that you cannot go back on. You need to keep studs in or they close up. In my professional world it would be a shock and possibly cost me some serious business. I have lived in the closet most of my life, I can live with clip ons. My self acceptance was my life hurdle and am in a different place, a better one to say the least.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great tip on ebay, I am a winning bidder on several sets, and OI love vintage copper too.
I work in an engineering environment and not one of the 50 males I work with wears an earring. However, if there was a vote as to which guy in my workplace is most likely to get his ears pierced, I would likely get the most votes!
DeleteActually, you don't need to keep studs in to keep them open, except for the first couple of months. If you one were to keep a pair of small "fish hook" earrings in the car and wear them on the commute to and from work a couple of days a week, it would be sufficient to keep them open.
DeleteI am with you on this one Stana, life is a series of compromises: know when enough is enough.
ReplyDeleteI push the envelope a lot outside the home, so I really don't need to push it on the inside, too!
DeleteYes, I would also like to pierce my ears, but out of respect to my wife and having to explain it to my 20 year old son, I haven't. I understand once they have been pierced for a few weeks you can remove them during the day, but inserting and removing "sleepers" every night and morning would be constant reminder to my wife, so not easy - and I would imagine, a real chore.
ReplyDeleteI have tried magnetic ear rings which work rather well, except that they can be difficult to attach, the magnetic backs tend to go missing and you cannot (to my knowledge) replace them without buying a complete ear ring. I have many magnetic ear rings but only about four magnetic backs. They do give the impression of pieced ears, however.
One final point, however much we want to talk about our feminine side, it is important to remember that I usually wait for my wife to introduce it, or if I do, and if she doesn't "pick up the baton" I don't push it and drop the subject. This latter tactic, although I feel is the best one, has caused me great anguish as I tried to organise an Ascot visit this year, but more on that later.
Michelle
Michelle --- I had bad luck with magnetic earrings. Lost the backs, which resulted in losing the fronts. And last time I looked, the selection was even more limited than clip-ons.
DeleteStana, I have a collection of magnetic earrings that I have assembled myself. I find pierced earrings that I can convert. I buy small rare earth magnets online, cut off the post on the earring, file it smooth and glue the magnet on. I use either gorilla glue or superglue depending upon the geometry. I use some small clamps I got at Home Depot to hold things in place while it dries. I also glue the magnet on the earring back and place the stud in the hole so that it looks like the real thing. I occasionally loose one but you can buy pierced earrings pretty cheap at target and similar places. If someone does try this, don't go for the strongest magnets as they are too strong. For a given strength magnet, go for the largest cross sectional area on both sides of the ear remembering that the magnet can stick out a little on the front if you match the color of the magnet with the earring.
DeleteThis aspect of femulating never occurred to me; but marriage, when it's good, is a series of compromises and kindnesses and loving attention to detail and boundaries. It sounds to me like you're doing it right.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing the best that I can.
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