The following Ask Me Anything questions are about my relationship with my wife. There are a lot of questions, so I will be brief and to the point in my answers.
Emily: Are you the husband at home in a conventional role?
Yes, I am the “conventional” man of the house.
Dani: Assuming you and your wife still make love together, do you do it as a man and a woman? Or as two women?
Physically, as a man and a woman. Mentally, as a woman in my mind. I have no idea what is going on in my wife's mind.
Pat: Does your wife completely accept you as a femulator?
Rhonda: How much does your spouse accept Stana in her life? In other words, does she go out with Stana, buy Stana gender appropriate gifts, and do you (as Stana) and she socialize with other TG/CDs?
My wife accepts the fact that I am a femulator, but she does not embrace it completely. She does not go out with Stana, does not buy Stana gender-appropriate gifts, and does not socialize with my trans acquaintances.
However, if she sees something trans-related in the newspaper or on television that she thinks might be of interest, she will call my attention to it. Also, whenever we go shopping, she encourages me to shop for Stana, too.
Rhonda: As a follow-on question, have you and she agreed on limits to Stana's activities? If so, please share.
We have not agreed to limits, but I have put my own limits on Stana's activities; instead of being en femme full-time, I am en femme much less often.
Rhonda: Also, if so, does she waiver and occasionally want less Stana in your and her relationship?
My wife would be happy if Stana was completely eliminated from our lives.
Lisa: I am wondering if it is concern for your entire family's feelings that motivates you not to go full time.
Absolutely. My wife married a man. I am committed to her and my marriage and try to fulfill that role as a husband as best as I can.
Lisa: I always put my wife and family first, so my second question is whether you think some TG people are being self-centered for failing to take into account the needs and feelings of their loved ones.
Again, absolutely. The spouse is often forgotten and left behind in the dust.
A femulating boy and her girlfriend.
Wearing ABS by Allen Schwartz.
Dear Stana,
ReplyDeleteThank You for your honest answers to our questions. Some of the questions were of a rather intimate and personal nature, and you are to be commended for answering them completely.
Some transgendered girls who are married and have a family tend to be very selfish and narcissistic regarding their place in the family. These girls get so wrapped up in their own desire to transition (or live “en femme” for large portions of their lives) that they don't understand how hard it is for most cis-women to fully accept the man they married as a woman. Stana, you however, and some other married non-op transsexual friends of mine are doing the honorable thing by not transitioning, and not forcing your femme selves on your wives and family full time. Yes, it is a sacrifice for you and others like you, and I commend your feelings that your love of your wife trumps your desire to live 24/7 as a woman.
Some of my friends in my T-girl support/social groups and SCC (Southern Comfort Conference) friends understand how difficult it is for a cis-woman to fully accept her transgendered husband as a woman, especially if the transgenderism was not disclosed before the marriage. Other T-girls I know automatically take the side of the transgendered woman and think the wife and family are being selfish and/or cruel in not being happy to let the T-girl fully transition.
I remember a “Dr. Phil” episode featuring a family of a man (who wanted to fully transition to a woman) and his wife and 2 daughters. This husband continually forced his femme side on his wife and daughters despite their objections. The wife and daughters all said they would be willing to accept their husband/father “en femme” occasionally at times. He spent thousands of dollars of the family's shared funds on his femme self (clothing, makeup, jewelry, hormones,and some facial feminization), and put the entire family into great financial distress. This particular trans-person was very selfish, and the wife and daughters were willing to try to accept some appearances of him as a woman, but not able to accept full transition.
I, and some of my T-girl friends, took the side of the wife and daughters. Other of my T-girl friends automatically took the side of the transgendered person and thought the wife and daughters were being selfish by not wanting their husband and father to completely abandon his male persona permanently. Dr. Phil, I thought, was very fair and reasonable in listening to both sides, and he was very compassionate and empathetic to both sides, but he did side with the wife and daughters, and tried to point out to the trans-person the negative emotional and financial effects on her wife and daughters. I can't remember if the trans-person ever came around to finally realizing the burden she was forcing on her wife and daughters.
My, my … aren't I a “chatty Sheila”, but I just wanted to write my thoughts on this topic.
Love,
Sheila.
I love Chatty! and your sense of reality. I think to though that our sense of reality is changing. When I see the world around us become more familiar with transgender, I see more "young" women open to and enjoying a more feminine partner. I know of one such relationship personally. Two people meet in college, one female one femulator, female is overjoyed and "on" with having a boy friend who also looks like a girl friend. I very much think with our exposure, the next generation is seeing more possibilities for men, just as our generations saw more possibilities for women.
DeleteStana
ReplyDeleteThank you for providing fine answers to the questions from your readers. Both the questions and the answers were relevant to what many of us deal with on a regular basis.
Life is full of compromises. We all must face a myriad of factors and circumstances and make decisions that impact our lives and the lives of others. Our rights are limited by what may impact others.
Good questions and answers. Let us all be mindful of the sense and sensibilities of others.
Pat
Stana,
ReplyDeleteMy wife, too, would prefer that I would not femulate at all, but she is not tolerant of Tina in any way. I have had to bury my desires deep within and do not have many opportunities to femulate. I do not want to be en femme full time, but to be able to dress privately is very relaxing and allows me to shed the worries and burdens of being the "man of the house".
Thank you for answering these questions, as many of us have likely faced the same issues along our unique paths.
Tina
As always Stana it's great to hear you fill in some blanks. And I love your "absolutely" answer to family first question. For many of us, a full time transition or lifestyle of the feminine kind is interrupted by our families, as it should be (we are good moms and wives inside). I understand that many put "themselves" first and in cases of sever mental anguish, families having to deal with a different gender is better then a dead parent. I think those situations are rare, and to many take the pink pill to easily because they can and may feel want to because others are. Actually I've come to think that most of us who can give up ourselves in favor of others are just more gender fluid. I actually believe that we are feminine males, juxtaposed to the masculine female in our society. If only we were allowed to be that feminine male, I think there would be a lot less transxiety. I'm sure a woman who can wear pants and a plan shirt is expressing herself in her unconsciousness knowing that she is a woman but not a feminine woman. Feminine and masculine are expressions of self image, male and female are biological sex. We see everyday people who are male or female lean to a gender expression that is their comfort level. Add social pressures and you limit some with a discomfort about themselves.
ReplyDeleteJoan
DeleteI love the sentence "If only we were allowed to be that feminine male, I think there would be a lot les transxiety". I have not seen the word 'transxiety' before but I think it is a welcome addition to the "T" lexicon.
It seems to be a common theme with "T" people across the spectrum that we feel more relaxed and at ease with less stress if we are given the freedom/room/opportunity to dress and present in a feminine fashion. I know that dressing makes me feel good. I will now think that dressing will serve to address and easy my 'transxiety'.
Pat
Thank you very much Pat, You probably haven't heard it before because it just popped into my head and out my fingertips (finely manicured of course). I think it is a great description to use for those of us trapped by stereotypes. It seems that stress many of us feel when we can not express our true image of ourselves to the world. Especially when we just want to be feminine and not have GRS. Like many women who aren't stereotypical get to express.
DeleteI don't have to explain to anyone here how I feel when I can express my femininity outward in my style and choice of clothing. It the same for all of us I'm sure. It is my persona and it's like setting a bird free from its cage. It might have some trepidation at first but the more it flies, the more it knows it should fly.
Joanie