I misunderstood Emily's question Do you ever tire of femulating? when I answered it on Saturday.
So she wrote back, "My real question was do you ever just yearn to not have these feelings that attract you to femulating? In other words, for me... sometimes after sex, sometimes after a nice time with friends and my wife, sometimes when I've obsessed about femulating, I suddenly get this feeling of 'I wish the desires would go away forever.' Have you ever felt that way?"
Yes, but in a different way than you.
I spend too much time thinking about femulating and thinking about living my life as a woman. I feel it is time wasted and negatively effects my productivity. If I am doing something I don't like doing or if I am doing something, but feeling lazy, thinking about femulating provides a distraction from what I should be doing.
I believe that if I transitioned, I would not think about femulating as much as I do now and that I would be a more productive person as a woman.
So, yes, I am very tired of femulating and should just transition and be done with it.
Comments please?
This purported femulator appears in the music video for
Tom Petty’s You Don’t Know How It Feels in 1994.
Wearing Brahmin (bag).
This may be an entirely dim question – I'm writing as a cisgender girl and so don't stand in your (metaphorical) shoes – but does femulating not offer anything that you value and that would vanish if you did transition? Would transitioning make you happy, I suppose is what I am asking. It's odd for me, because I only 'know' you through this blog – I have no idea what you look like when you are not-Stana – and I just accept you as a woman. You look like a woman, you talk like a woman, you think like a woman, I relate to you as a woman. To me, you're a woman. But I do appreciate that that is pretty cold comfort in the greater scheme of things.
ReplyDeleteGirl hugs
Been there, done it and have spent tons of time thinking about the wasted times of my life.
ReplyDeleteAll the inner turmoil, all the tension and all the frustrations I took out on others-how different could life have been. Oh well Stana, I guess indeed if we would have known then what we know now....blah blah blah BUT...
I could say "what the hell are you waiting for?" but I waited 50 years myself. We all have our reasons.
Having met you, you are a "no doubter"- a feminine soul and I think you already have already transitioned in more ways than you know.
I just hope you can find a way to complete the process complete the circle and make yourself whole.
Cyrsti
OK, my two cents, and you know what that is worth nowadays...
ReplyDeleteStana, only you know if you should transition. Some who transition think it was the best thing they ever did, some think it is the worst. Most likely if you were bored, your mind would wander to other matters ANYWAY, and you would be no more productive. You'd be thinking of what would be on TV, or a movie, or weekend plans. Productivity is not a reason. I think maybe you should try living 24/7 for a couple of weeks if you could - how is your mental state then?
Wow, I just did a bunch of research online and cannot find out ANYTHING about that girl in the Tom Petty video. Strange. If anyone finds anything, please post it.
ReplyDeleteStana,
ReplyDeleteI believe I have no compelling urge or need to transition. I have accepted that I am one who is stuck in the middle. I have male needs and female needs and I do attempt to fulfill those needs as best I can. However, I too often get tired of it all. It is time consuming as you said. It just complicates my life. It makes me an outcast in society even if no one know that I am bi-gendered since I know I am and I know how many feel about my kind. I have placed a burden on my wife that I wish I did not. All of this weighs on me and makes me tired.
Having said that, when I wish it would go away, I also wonder that if my brain wasn't part female, what kind of person would I be. Would I be the kind and loving person people tell me I am? Would I be the person who will help anyone who asks for help? I am not willing to find out even if I could.
So I sit here conflicted and tormented about a basic human trait: am I a man or a woman. Unfortunatly the answer is both. The answer never changes and never will. Do I get tired yes but I have no choice but to carry on and do the best I can.
Leann
You said that so well and mirrors many of our feelings that run similar in our world. I tire from it all sometimes too and wish I would go back to being one or the other. No matter how hard I tried to shake those feelings they come back like the sunrise everyday. So just make the best of it knowing there are others like us doing the best we can. Enjoy who you really are inside and count your blessings that we can enjoy enjoy being the best dressed we can be.
DeleteMabell,
DeleteThanks for the comments. While I do like to look my best, part of fulfilling the female needs includes the desire to just interact with women as a woman. Alas, the opportunities are few.
Leann
Stana, I agree completely with your comment that time is wasted when one is constantly pondering the what if, why, and how comes when not enfemme and really does cut down on productivities of life. As do I agree and feel similarly that had I been born female, I would have lead a much more productive life. As a young "male" the fixations on what I didn't have and the feelings of resentment for not being able to be who I believed I am with the fear of reprisal should I admit this request to anyone held me back considerably. And like many of us the life we make because of these limitations on us becomes a priority, (actually my "motherly" instincts always want to do best for my family, thus I put myself second). My feelings are that if people are no longer held to gender stereotypes, persons male or female could more fully become and express the level of opposite gender they believe they desire to be. Gone would be the loss of potential in a person as there also I believe be a level of gender equality that would hold all persons equal in value no matter their posture of gender expression.
ReplyDeleteStana,
ReplyDeleteI agree and identify whole heartedly with the waste and lack of productivity that comes from the conflict of not being who you are. I have been plagued with becoming "frozen" with the complexities of knowing I am feminine but being unable to embrace this 24/7. Lost or wasted opportunities professionally etc.I know I am much more productive "en femme" there is no clash to get in the way I am able to just get on and feel comfortable.
I agree with Crysti that I have no doubt you are a feminine soul.
It would be wonderful if Joan Elizabeth's proposal that "people are no longer held to gender stereotypes" came to fruition but I fear sadly we are some way off that being a reality.
Emily