This was not a one time occurrence. Rather, it occurs any time I am out en femme.
Reviewing Wednesday evening is a good example of what I do.
the smoker
As I exited the hotel to drive to the restaurant, a young man was smoking a cigarette outside the exit. As I walked out the door, he gave me the once-over and I began trying to read his mind:
Why are you checking me out? Do I look pretty to you or do I look pretty bad? Am I the first tranny you ever saw? Just in case, I will sashay to my car to try to affirm my womanhood in your eyes.
the maître d’
Entering the restaurant, I encountered a 30-something maître d’. He smiled, welcomed me, and asked to take my coat.
As I removed my coat, I began mind-reading:
Do you think I am a woman or a man in a dress? Are you treating me nicely because you don’t care what I am, as long as I have money to spend or are you treating me nicely because I am an attractive female customer?
After he took my coat, he asked me to wait a second while he checked to see what tables were available and I continued mind-reading:
Are you looking for a table in a dark corner to hide the tranny or are you just looking for a table for one?
Turned out that the table was on the veranda amidst other customers.
the busgirl
After the maître d’ showed me to my table, a pretty 20-something busgirl came to my table to remove the extra place setting. She smiled broadly as she said “Good evening.”
After I returned my “good evening,” I tried to read her mind;
Why are you smiling at me like that? Are you on the verge of laughing at the man in a dress or are you just being very cordial?
the waiter
Next, a 20-something waiter arrived to take my drink order. He also had a big smile on his face and was very cordial.
Are you on the verge of laughing at me, too? Has the word spread amongst the whole restaurant staff that a tranny customer is in their midst?
the rest of the waitstaff
It seems I had the only male waiter in the restaurant. The other two that I saw were female and were young and pretty to boot. When I caught their eye, they smiled and said, “Hello.”
Are you checking out the tranny, too, or are you just being cordial?
the two women
Two women customers sat opposite me at a table situated 90 degrees to mine. If I looked straight ahead, I looked at them. I did not want to be rude, so I tried looking out the window to my left or into the restaurant on my right, but my vision always reverted back to them and I am sure they were aware of my predicament.
Finally, the younger of the two looked my way, caught my eye, smiled and asked me, “How are you?”
That broke the ice and we three made pleasant small talk for awhile and as I wrote in my previous blog posting, they seemed to accept me as another woman, but that did not stop my mind-reading:
Was my voice too low when I last spoke? Did I give myself away? Did I put some doubts in their mind about my womanhood? Will they kick me out of the “girls’ club” now?
If they had any doubts, they did not indicate it because we continued speaking off and on until they left.
and so it goes
That’s me: always the perfectionist, never satisfied, always worried that my femulation is lacking in some way.
Mind-reading does not prevent me from enjoying my times out en femme, but I wonder if I would find more enjoyment if I did not worry.
On the other hand, maybe my concern about my femulation makes me a better femulator. I want to be the best woman I can be, so perhaps the mind-reading helps me to achieve that goal.
The questioning never stops. I am always wondering the same things.
ReplyDeleteLooking at the picture from your last posting I think it's unlikely people giving you a casual glance would have clocked you. They likely smiled because you have a great smile. You look really good, you dress your age. The only things I can't tell from the picture are your voice and mannerisms. But I think you probably pass very well.
ReplyDeleteYou commentary though terrifies me. I would love to go out and be who I feel I am on the inside. I'd love to live who I am on the inside. But unlike you I don't think I could ever pull it off and I know I would be thinking the same things as you.
Instead of living my life I haunt blogs like yours and live vicariously.
Diana --- That's what I figured!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous --- Thank you for the kind words.
Yes, I think this is a game we all play.
ReplyDeleteAnd in my case it definitely interferes with life, because I have about half of my circuits busy playing this "mind reader" game and only half of them available for whatever I should be working on.
Now the problem is, I don't know what this means: Does it mean I should stop dressing so I can be drab but concentrated, or does it mean I should (somehow!) stop caring whether I am successfully "passing."
Keep up the writing Staci - we appreciate it.
I enjoy this blog more and more each day!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure we all have similar thoughts going through our minds when we femulate in public. For myself, I'm quite new to femulation and don't imagine that I really pass - but there is always the possibility that the busgirl who smiles broadly at you isn't laughing at you, but is thinking, yeah, that's a tranny, but doesn't he/she look great, and isn't it great that he/she feels ok about coming here on her own. That's what I felt when I dined en femme (and on my own) in London recently.
I think you do a great job with your presentation. As long as you have the confidence you will not have a problem.
ReplyDeleteI find that a smile disarms most any problem. Plus it makes me feel better. It's my number one accessory.
Keep up the great job with your blog as well as your adventures.
Beverly
There doesn't seem to be any doubt to me that you are passing. If you weren't you would have known it. There's always someone in the crowd that will start pointing and staring if you're not.
ReplyDeleteKeep going out and doing it as much as you can. In a year or two you will give no thought to it all. Sometimes you might even forget what gender you're in while out! It happens :-)
As many have comments, a smile goes a long way. It conveys the fact that not only that you are happy, but also that you have a positive attitude and confidence about youself.
ReplyDeleteIf we go out in public with the "deer in the headlights" look, people will pick-up our nervousness.
Hi Staci,
ReplyDeleteI loved your post about what others might think. I agree with those who use a smile as their best accessory. This week I was shopping at a San Francisco mall when a sales associate approached me from her cosmetics stand. She wanted to show me some new products and we spent the next few minutes doing so--she showing me lipstick and mascara and me asking questions. Talk about being part of the "girls club". On my way out of Bloomingdales I approached a woman who looked at me quizzically. I smiled back at her and she smiled at me, wishing me a nice day.
Rather than worry about being read, we should express the joy we feel being out and about as a woman. When in doubt, smile.
My partner and I had a conversation about this last night, re/ when she is being "read" and when she "passes." My sense is that upon first glance, she (and you) "pass," but within a moment of interaction, you (and she) are "read." The real question is, What matters about this? Most people WILL read you, not as a "man in a dress," but rather as a "different kind of woman." Your success lies in being respected and enjoying yourself as the fabulous transwoman you are.
ReplyDeleteI must add that I agree with other posters about smiling. Remember that genetic women (like myself) are socialized from an early age o smile (and nod and even laugh) a lot. (It's as though part of the role of women in society is to ensure that everyone else feels good about themselves.) That's why smiling more than you do when presenting as a man helps you be accepted as female. Furthermore, CONFIDENCE IS EVERYTHING. If you are presenting appropriately and project warmth and self-acceptance. most people will respond accordingly. The crossdressers who stand out as "weird" to me are the ones who seem overly shy and self-conscious, as though they are transgressing and are fearful of being "caught."
ReplyDeleteI became aware of this very same thought process within myself, and just wrote something about it in my blog this morning. I equated it to a subconscious "flee or fight" mechanism that I would engage that would virtually guarantee i would freak myself and eventually leave places too quickly for fear of the "possible". And so i forced myself to cousciously NOT engage the thought. In so doing, my entire attitude changed, increasing my self-cofidence and, yes, I started to smile alot more. I have nowhere near your command of the outside world, but I know i couldn't do it at all if i allowed all those thoughts to creep into my head.
ReplyDelete