I am my own girlfriend

I love females. Always did, always will.

When I reached dating age, I dreamed about dating the vast number of females that I found attractive. But I was very shy with the opposite sex and not at all skilled at chatting up females in order to get a date.

My attempts usually resulted in rejection. As I accumulated rejections, I became gun-shy and more reluctant to try again. As a result, I did not date very often.

On those rare occasions that I did date, it was usually of the blind variety. And there were seldom any second dates because (1) I did not find my blind date attractive or (2) if I did find my blind date to be attractive, my shyness kicked in and turned off my blind date. I was a sad sack on the dating scene.

Lacking a female companion, did I become my own girlfriend?

I studied the art of female emulation (femulation) and after years of practice, I managed to femulate myself into a female, who could look attractive under the right lighting conditions and/or from the correct viewing angle.

As I femulated more and more, dating a female became less important, but I continued to make my feeble attempts in the dating scene and accepted blind dates whenever the opportunity arose. One blind date was "love at first sight" and we dated for over two years, married, and had a child.

While I dated my future spouse, I stopped being my own girlfriend, that is, I stopped femulating all together and did not take up the cause again until we were invited to a Halloween party a month after our wedding day.

After nearly three years of not femulating, I was out of practice and having purged all my female paraphenalia before marriage, I had to borrow clothes for that Halloween outing. As a result, my femulation was just so-so in my humble opinion. Nevertheless, my skills were still good enough to fool some of the people some of the time and a female in a cat costume asked me point blank if I was male, because she was not sure.

That outing caused me to recall how I had enjoyed femulating in the past, so I began anew, first in secret, than slowly out into the public after my spouse put two and two together and asked me if I liked to crossdress on days that weren't October 31. (Her query was prompted by the French Maid costume I wore the preceding Halloween.)

I came clean about my hobby and she was very supportive and encouraged me to join a support group, which moved my femulation out of the closet of my home into the closet of my support group's meeting hall where I learned how to take my femulation out into public places.

Did I become my own girlfriend again?

I believe that when I was dateless and desperately seeking female companionship, I truly was my own girlfriend. But now I believe that the female I emulate is really me.

When I became my own girlfriend in the past, I was really becoming me, but did not realize it at the time. Now I realize that when I femulate I am presenting myself to society in the way I feel that best expresses me.

our pretty cashier

My spouse and I went grocery shopping this afternoon.

When we were ready to check out, I maneuvered our shopping cart to the shortest line. While we waited for the customer ahead of us to ante up, I noticed that our 20-something cashier had straight shoulder-length dark brown hair parted down the middle and that he was wearing eyeliner (on both upper and lower lids) and mascara (on both upper and lower eyelashes).

I checked his name badge to confirm that he was male and when he spoke, his voice added further proof.

As we left the store, I asked my spouse if she noticed the cashier.

She responded, "Yes, I noticed her... she had such a deep voice!"

I surprised my spouse when I told her that our cashier was male.

Don't know if our cashier was trans-something or not, but he sure was pretty.

shopping for a wedding guest dress

This afternoon, I went shopping for a new dress to wear to the wedding. I went in boy mode to a Dress Barn I had never shopped at before. Good timing on my part because Dress Barn was having a clearance sale - 50% off - on summer dresses.

I perused the clearance racks and found five dresses that I liked. A salewoman asked how I was doing and I said I'd like to try on the dresses I had in hand. Without batting an eye, she found an empty dressing room for me and let me at it.

All five dresses fit (three were sized 14W and two 16W), but I did not like one at all after I tried it on, another was similar to one I already owned, and I eliminated a third dress because it was similar to the fourth dress, which I liked much better. The fifth dress was lovely and perfect for a wedding, so I bought the fourth and the fifth.

The fourth dress is a white satin sheath with large black swirls and a narrow black belt. This knee-length dress has a boat neck collar with a asymmetrical v-shaped slit on one side that reveals a little skin below the neckline. It is a beautiful dress and certainly suitable for a wedding, but the fifth dress is the one I plan to wear to the nuptials.

My wedding guest dress is a two-piece: a dress and a jacket. The dress piece is two tone. The black top looks like a jumper top: a square collar with wide straps (no sleeves). The white skirt is a lightly pleated, flared and lined with a black floral print at the hem that extends upward about four-fifths the length of the skirt. A wide black patent belt bisects the top and skirt. A black short-sleeved buttonless short jacket with white stitching completes the two-pieces. It is absolutely gorgeous and I look forward to wearing it.

The fourth dress listed for $59.99 and the fifth dress for $69.99. With the clearance sale and a 30% discount coupon I had, I paid only $54.49 for the two.

By the way, I was the only customer in boy mode in Dress Barn. All the other customers were in girl mode and paid me no mind even when I entered and exited the dressing room area with a fist full of dresses.

a tall addition

Leslie Ann e-mailed me that Hoda Kotb of the Today Show is 5’9”, so I will add her to my Famous Females of Height List.

While I was looking through some blog files of works in progress, I stumbled upon a list I compiled months ago of tall females of note that were missing from my Famous Females of Height List. Problem is that I cannot recall the source. But I will add them all to my list ASAP.

5’8”
Kirstie Alley --- US actress
Catherine Bach --- US actress
Sandra Bullock --- US actress
Cathy Lee Crosby --- US actress
Denise Crosby --- US actress
Portia De Rossi --- Australian actress
Amanda Donohoe --- UK actress
Sarah Ferguson --- UK royalty
Linda Gray --- US actress
Mariska Hargitay --- US actress
Katherine Hepburn --- US actress
Elizabeth Hurley --- UK actress and model
Lauren Hutton --- US model and actress
Martina Navratilova --- Czech tennis player
Geraldine Page --- US actress
Natasha Richardson --- UK actress
Susan Saint James --- US actress
Xenia Seeberg --- German Actress
Madeleine Stowe --- US actress
Leslie Ann Warren --- US actress

5’9”
Hoda Kotb --- US television host


5’10”
Colleen Porch --- US actress
Frederique Van Der Wal --- actress

5’11”
Nicole Steinwedell --- US actress

6’1”
Miranda Hart --- UK actress
Adriana Sklenarikova --- Slovakian model
Michelle Wie --- US golfer

6’2”
Hope Emerson --- US actress, who appears on stage in the 1930’s in the photo (above right) with 5’5” comedian Joe Laurie, Jr.

A man's work is from sun to sun, but...

Click on the image to enlarge it.

femulate a cow

Check this out. I found it during a Google search yesterday and I still cannot believe it.

she's not a man

The Femulated: image (photo right) I posted last night was an error.

My source for the image claimed that the person in the photo was a male. Elaine Armen of Elaine's T* Art Blog fame, commented that she thought that the person looked like fashion model Agyness Deyn. Later, Elaine e-mailed me with proof that the person was indeed Agyness Deyn and not a male.

Sorry about the error and thank you Elaine for the correction.

an invitation

As if I need an excuse to get dressed up, I, Staci, not my boy mode persona, received a wedding invitation today. I was very surprised to receive it. It is the first wedding invitation that I have ever received en femme and I intend to attend.

What to wear to a wedding?

I've never faced that problem before from the feminine side of my closet, but it is a very nice problem for a fashionista like me to have.

It will still be summer on the wedding day, so I have a few summer outfits to consider. Or maybe I should buy something new; with summer winding down, there should be some good deals on summer dresses in the stores.

And, I can't think of a better place than to wear my new hairdo for the first time.

technical difficulty

Regular readers here may have noticed that my posts have been haphazard lately. In the past, I would compose a post before I went to bed and publish it in the morning. Or I would compose and publish during my lunch hour at work.

I dunno what's going on, but during the last month or so, I have had a difficult time logging into Blogger from work. I can view my blog and other Blogger blogs without difficulty, but logging in is another matter. My browser opens a new tab and attempts to access the log-in page, but the page never appears. The situation has gotten worse everyday and has reached a point that today I was unable to log in at all from work.

The problem is not browser-related because I have tried three different browsers and they all failed to let me access the Blogger log-in page. I don't believe that the boss is intentionally blocking access because when the boss does blocks a Web site, a message appears indicating that the block is intentional. Also, I have not experienced this problem with any other Web sites, just Blogger, but not the Blogger blogs themselves.

The Internet Explorer connection diagnosis tool suggests that network congestion might be the cause. But for what it's worth, I have no problem logging in from home day or night, weekday or weekend.

Until this problem goes away, I will publish my blog posts in the evening from hereon.

tall television viewing

While watching television recently, Petra of Voyages en Rose fame, noted the tall competition in the women's track and field events. After researching the matter, she came up with the following Famous Females of Height of the track and field variety and e-mailed the following stats to me:

6'4" Blanka Vlašić of Croatia

6'2" Amy Acuff, who also graced the cover of Playboy in September 2004

5'11" Anna Chicherova of Russia

5'10" Ariane Friedrich of Germany

5'9" Chaunte Howard Lowe of the USA

While watching television recently, I noted a tall spokesperson wearing a beautiful blue dress in a Mercury automobile commercial. After researching the matter, I found that the Mercury spokesperson is Jill Wagner (photo right) and that she is 5'8".

I added the six ladies to my Famous Females of Height List.

By the way, does anyone know the height of Holly Mordini, the beautiful Smashbox cosmetics spokesperson? I have seen her on QVC a few times and she dwarfs the other women who appear with her, but I have been unable to determine her exact height. One writer guessed 6 feet, but that was just a guess. Does anybody have a more reliable figure?

new hair on my mind

I have been considering getting a new hairdo in a medium auburn shade with dark roots. And I have narrowed down the styles to the four above.

What do you think?

(You can click on the image to enlarge it.)

on my mind on Friday

On weekdays, I am up at 5:45 AM to get ready to go to work. I am the first one up and it is very quiet in the house with no distractions, so my mind wanders and wonders.

After a shave and a shower, I get dressed and as I pull up my briefs, I fantasize that I am pulling up a panty girdle and as I pull up my socks, I fantasize that I am pulling up pantyhose.

I have this same fantasy nearly everyday that I get dressed to go to work. I think it helps me maintain my Staci identity on those days I know I won't be en femme.

***

I often say that I am "trans-something" because I am not sure what I am. I don't feel comfortable identifying as transsexual, transgender, transvestite, transgenderist, crossdresser, etc. because none of those labels fit me like a T.

Parts of me scream "crossdresser," just as parts of me scream "transsexual," but there are other parts that whisper "crossdresser... not" and "transsexual... not." Even the label I invented, femulator, does not say it all for me.

I think part of it is I don't want to be pigeon-holed or rather I don't want to pigeon-hole myself. Like Groucho Marx said, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

I think more of it has to do with the fact that we are all unique and we do not fit perfectly in any pigeon hole. I know I certainly don't feel that I fit perfectly in any of the trans pigeon holes because I see parts of me in the other trans pigeon holes.

So, I have concluded that I am not trans-something, rather I am Staci.

Erin Andrews, 5'10"

Erin Andrews is an American sportscaster, who currently works for ESPN as a sideline reporter at sporting events.

Andrews has become an Internet sensation, as she is popular among male sports fans for her physical appearance and knowledge of sports. In 2007 and 2008, she was voted "America's Sexiest Sportscaster" by Playboy Magazine. (Source: Wikipedia)

Ms. Andrews is 5'10", so I added her to the Famous Females of Height List.

Newcomers to this blog may wonder why I maintain the list. You can read all about it here, but in a nutshell...

I became interested in tall women because they affirmed my existence as a tall woman, i.e., I was not the only tall woman out and about in society. Few were as tall as me, but maybe there were enough out there so that I could blend in more easily as just another tall woman.

The list is my attempt to show tall femulators that there are tall women out there including famous ones and that tall femulators should be out there too, strutting their stuff just like tall women do.

first commemorative stamp en femme... almost

The US Postal Service recently issued a pane of stamps commemorating early TV (television, not transvestite) memories. The first stamp in the pane honors Texaco Star Theater and depicts the star of the show, Milton Berle.

According to the back of the stamp, "Comedian Milton Berle worked successfully in radio and film before moving to TV, where he became the new medium's first superstar. His show was known for his clowning, often in outlandish costume..." and often in drag.

The stamp depicts Uncle Miltie en homme, but he does appear en femme in the header above the stamps. I feel that the USPS should have used the en femme image on the stamp, but that's just my opinion.

a dream come true

Click on the image to enlarge it.

ENDA vs. health care reform

In case you missed it...

ENDA introduced in Senate
Supporters optimistic about swift passage in Congress
By Lisa Keen

An inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act is now on the move in the U.S. Senate. Long-time sponsor Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) introduced the bill on Aug. 5 along with Sens. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.) and Susan Collins (R-Maine).

The Human Rights Campaign launched a lobby effort today to muster support for the legislation, asking supporters to send e-mails to their senators urging their support. (www.passendanow.org) The e-mail notes that in 29 states, there is no law to prevent an employer from firing someone because he or she is gay and, in 38 states, no law to prohibit an employer from firing someone for being transgender.

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, the first national gay political organization to push for a federal law to prohibit job discrimination against gays, in 1974, said it hopes the stated support of President Obama will "play a role in assisting with (the bill's) swift passage in both the House and the Senate."

Read all about it here.

I'm just worried that ENDA is going to end up on the back burner and forgotten in light of all the attention that health care reform is receiving. To avoid that, contact your people in Washington and ask them to support ENDA.

do the dont's

The September issue of Harper's Bazaar arrived in today's mail. It is the "Fall Fashion Issue" and contains 484 pages.

I flipped threw the magazine as I walked from the curbside mailbox to my home and as I did, I spotted an advertisement from Juicy Couture (above) with a male (left) semi-femulating with long hair, pink tulle skirt, leopard skin cropped jacket, and pocketbook.

The caption of the advertisement reads "Do the Dont's" and seems to be encouraging the fashions that the ad displays.

only 78 days left!!!

I was grocery shopping this afternoon and I was taken aback by the displays of Halloween candy throughout the store. Only then did I realize that there are only 78 days left to do my Halloween/National Crossdressers' Day shopping!

As panic set in, I loaded my shopping cart with products from Mars and when I arrived home, I got on the Internet and started browsing the costume web sites to decide what to wear for the big night out.

Next, I will start working on my Christmas wish list.

peace, love, and crossdressing

I attended the Woodstock Music & Art Fair in 1969. I was deep in the closet back then and I had not even made my first appearance on Halloween en femme. Needless to say, I went to Woodstock in boy mode.

Taking Woodstock is a new film about the event that comes out later this month. In the film, Liev Schreiber plays a crossdresser named Vilma (photo left).

Back in 1994, Mr. Schreiber played a crossdresser named Chris in the film Mixed Nuts (photo right).

Talking about his feminine film roles in a New York magazine article, Mr. Schreiber made the following interesting comment, "Putting on women's clothing and acting like a woman is something that comes naturally to men. All men do it, whether publicly or privately. I personally believe that all men enjoy it."

I agree.

just one of the girls

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what I will be wearing this fall... maybe

I am starting to see some fall fashions that interest me!

Above left is a dress that appeared in the Kmart flyer that came with Sunday's newspaper. It is a Jaclyn Smith style and the price is right, but I am not going to Kmart to buy it because I hate the local Kmart! It is a pigsty and I refuse to shop there. Also, I have problems with Kmart clothing fitting me properly, so it probably looks a lot better on Jaclyn than it would look on me.

The other two dresses are now appearing in the Metrostyle catalogs. The sheath in the center might look fabulous on me, whereas I have my doubts about the peasant top dress.

Despite its appearance, the peasant top "outfit" is a one-piece dress, not a separate top and a skirt. I love the way it looks on the model. However, in my opinion, the peasant top adds width to the upper body, while the pencil skirt subtracts width from the lower body, which is just the opposite of what I need.

I will add the two Metrostyle dresses to my wish list and forget about the Kmart dress.

his crowning glory

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scent of a woman

As usual, click on the image to see it better.

yet another dream

I remembered five dreams during the past five days and four contained trans bits. So, I'm beginning to think that most of my dreams contain trans bits, which makes a lot of sense because during my waking hours, there are a lot of trans bits in my life.

Last night's was another with trans bits. I dreamed I was on a cruise with my immediate family and I am en femme the whole time. No one mentioned that I was en femme, no one had any issues that I was en femme; t'was as if being en femme was the most natural thing in the world.

The cruise ends as we dock in New York City. As we leave the ship, I realize I am wearing a dress (a dark green ankle-length peasant dress, a style which is so unlike me) and I panic because the relatives who are picking us up to drive us home do not know about my transness. I awake just as I begin searching through my luggage for something more boy-like to wear.

I hope I am not boring your with my dreams, but I am very surprised that I am remembering dreams night-after-night after years of seldom remembering dreams.

dreaming and Cousin Serena

I am on a roll when it comes to remembering dreams this week.

Overnight, I dreamed I was back in college. I was good friends with a girl I greatly admired and I finally asked her out on a date. While she was accepting my invitation, she mentioned that she was OK with my trans thing. There were other bits of the dream that I remembered, but nothing else was trans-related.

Last night, I watched The Twilight Zone episode from 1961 titled "Two" featuring Elizabeth Montgomery and Charles Bronson. While watching the show, I noticed that the future Mrs. Darren Stephens stacked up favorably with Mr. Bronson height-wise, so I looked her up and discovered that she was 5'8.5" tall, which rounds out nicely to 5'9" on the Famous Females of Height list.

In my youth, I watched Bewitched a lot until it jumped the shark. I dunno about you, but I preferred cousin Serena over Samantha. Serena was sexier and sassier and I preferred her wardrobe over Sammy's Donna Reed housewife drag. If I had to choose which witch to be, Serena would be my choice.

Wednesday's wash

Femulate This (Not):

As a counterpoint to this blog's "Femulate This:" feature (on the left), the devil often prods me to feature females not to femulate. And after seeing Orly Taitz's act, the devil almost pushed me over the brink.

Fall Fashions

The fall fashions are turning up here and there in dribs and drabs and so far, I have seen nothing to die for!

Transhibernation: Month Two

Speaking of fall, Month Two of my annual transhibernation is underway and I am so looking forward to the cooler months when I can go out en femme again especially since I feel so confident now. It is like I had a complete makeover and I am anxious to go out to strut my stuff.

Just What The World Needs...

Sometimes I think about writing a book about all this.

transdreaming again

(updated below)

As I wrote yesterday, "I seldom remember my dreams, but when I do, it is usually a trans-related dream."

Also, I remember dreams in batches, i.e., if I remembered a dream last night, I am more likely to remember a dream tonight and maybe tomorrow night.

And so I remembered a dream from last night after remembering a dream the previous night, and last night's remembered dream was trans-related.

In last night's remembered dream, I went to work en femme. Nobody in the office seemed surprised by my office girl drag appearance. Everyone acted as if there was nothing unusual about what I was wearing. I do remember having a minor wardrobe malfunction that needed adjustment, but that is all I remember.

I am anxious to find out what is in store for me in dreamland tonight!

UPDATE:

I did remember a dream from last night and it was very weird, but was completely unrelated to my trans-ness.

transdreaming

I've mentioned this here in the past: I seldom remember my dreams, but when I do, it is usually a trans-related dream.

I have had a few trans-related dreams lately, but nothing unusual. (The plot of most of them lately is that I am getting dressed en femme somewhere and my dream ends before I finish dressing because I misplaced some of my wardrobe.)

Last night's trans-related dream was completely different.

I dreamed I was watching a film starring Will Ferrell.

Why Will Ferrell? He is not one of my favorite actors, so maybe he turned up in my dream because I just finished reading a book about Saturday Night Live.

For whatever reason, Mr. Ferrell was the star of the film in my dream. The film was a comedy in which he is married and has two pre-teenaged daughters.

I don't recall what happened in the film until the last scene, which occurs outside the front door of the Ferrell's suburban home. In that last scene, the door opens and Ferrell's film wife comes out in her Sunday best. Next, his two film daughters come out, also in their Sunday best.

The two girls line up next to their mother along the front walk and they all look toward the front door with a lot of anticipation.

The door opens and Ferrell comes out in wig, full makeup, heels, and ankle-length silver dress. His wife and daughters are so happy for him.

And so it goes.

more additional height

The lovely Miss Petra of Voyages en Rose fame wrote, "The other night on Colbert, I fell in love with Kathryn Bigelow, the director of The Hurt Locker. IMDB.com has her at an impressive 5'11.5" and god bless the girl, she had at least 4 inches of strappy joy on her gorgeous legs."

I had a similar experience last night watching The Graham Norton Show on BBC. Actress Jessica Biel was a guest and wore ultra high heels, at least 4 inches high, probably higher.

I looked her up and there is some dispute regarding her height, but at some time she admitted to being 5'8" tall, so I have added her (above right) and Ms. Bigelow (above left) to my world Famous Females of Height list.