When I'm feeling down, feeling a little guilty about my trans-ness, or feeling a little depressed, I think about the following words from Hannah and Her Sisters by Woody Allen.One day, a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe I didn't want to go on living.
I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded and pressed to my forehead.
I thought, "I'm gonna kill myself."
Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows."
Then I thought, "No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing."
I remember clearly, the clock was ticking and I was sitting there frozen debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much the gun slid off my forehead and missed me.
Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused.
My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing: I had to get out of that house. I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me.
I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding. I went into a movie. Didn't know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective.
I went up to the balcony and I sat down. The movie* was one I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching the screen and I started getting hooked on the film.
And I started to feel: "How can you think of killing yourself? Isn't it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."
And I'm thinking, "I should stop ruining my life searching for answers and just enjoy it while it lasts."
And after, who knows? Maybe there is something.
I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.
* Duck Soup starring The Marx Brothers
Hey, thanks for this post...i've been feeling very low about the whole trans thing this week.
ReplyDeleteDear Staci, I also fet a little depressed about my crossdressing, basically not because of I have that feminine side, but rather becasue I still need to hide it from my family, so I can't express my feminine side as much as I wand to.
ReplyDeleteBut here is some wonderful words that I read in one of my tgirls friends website that made me so happy about being a girl (at least inside), so here it is that I share it with you honey:
As 2008 comes to a close and the Holidays are upon us, please make sure the first gift you give this season is to yourself. Give respect, to your TG self. You are very important, and expressing all of you is important!
Many times in our lives we don’t give enough credit to the part of us that makes us transgendered. I’m a crossdresser and I have to realize that the female part of me is very special; I treasure it. It’s a part of me that can never be separated from my male half. Sure, I don’t think about my male and females sides separately, but I did, until I became a single whole person with a single mind, simply because I learned to respect and not shun my feminine side.
Wherever you lie in the transgendered spectrum, whether it be as a transsexual, crossdresser, drag queen or (fill in the blank), remember to love all of yourself that makes up your being.
It’s the best present you can give to You this Holiday season!
S and Devory --- For a number of reason, the Holidays are a fragile time for trans-folks and we need all the help we can get.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great post Lana. I mean, if we aren't present how do we get a chance to be a part of the next chapter or scene? We just write ourselves out way before we are supposed to. We miss both the trials of life AND the fun of life.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite songs is "Unwritten" and the songs theme is right in synch with your post Lana. Here the linkie love @ You Tube for those who want to get a song writer's perspective - just cut and paste the link into your fav web browser:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGlvZ3uYRB0
Rebecca --- Thank you for the kind words and the YouTube link.
ReplyDeleteDunno if this is relevant but after a day spent out as Meg, I always feel down. I don't want to deal with people, I don't want to talk about my experience; if it was time shared, I don't even want to talk to the people I was with. Maybe it's the deep down realisation that I have to go back to being non-Meg that does it.
ReplyDeleteI can see how a week of Staci might do that in spades.
Or I could be completely wrong.
Thanks for staying with us, Staci. You're part of my daily routine (and I bet I'm not alone).
One of my problems with 'net friendships is, if a friend dies I'll never know if she just moved on or passed on. And that's sad.
So stay with us, OK? And thanks, too, for being a lousy shot. :)
Meg --- I don't plan on going anywhere soon. Thank you for your concern.
ReplyDelete