After outreach on Monday, I read the student's reactions to our presentation. Commenting on the student's reactions, I wrote here yesterday, "A number of people commented that they felt sad for me because of my lack of support at home regarding my transgenderism. A couple even wrote that I was sad…"
Soshanna commented, "Why are you sad, whenever I dress up, I am always very happy..."
Despite all my blog postings that usually talk about the upsides of going out en femme, going out en femme has its downsides.
My wife is not supportive. When she initially learned about my transness over 20 years ago, she was very supportive. She encouraged me to seek out a support group; she gave me female clothing and accessories for various occasions (Christmas, birthdays, etc.); she critiqued my makeup and wardrobe to improve my female presentation; she did not disapprove in the least.
Over the years, her support diminished and she barely tolerates my transness today. I don't know why she changed. When I broach the subject, she does not explain her change in attitude; she simply says that she does not want to see her husband dressed as a woman. She is ill and I don't want to upset her, so I do not crossdress as often as I would like to crossdress… not even close.
When I do outreach, marital issues always come up and I discuss those issues honestly. I guess that brings me down, thus my apparent sadness, and some of the students sympathize with my situation.
So, now you know.
Interestingly enough, my wife was more supportive at the start as well. She helped me buy a few outfits (as long as I left tags on and returned them after "trying them out") and did my makeup and even bought me a wig. She did NOT know I did this before; she thought the first time I dressed in her clothes it was her idea! Once I was dressed, she'd retire to a different part of the house and want nothing to do with me though.
ReplyDeleteShe'd buy me panties on gift occasions as well.
Then she started buying a couple of small things on gift occasions that had the virtue of being cheap. It didn't matter if the size was wildly wrong or it wasn't my style (or any style); it was like she was discharging an obligation.
Now that stopped as well. I've been going out a few times a year, and I've asked her to look at some pictures and the answer is always "yes, but not now" but "now" never arrives.
Yes, it's sad, but it seems you're experience is not unique.